(no subject)
fuck. and i was moving on so nicely, don't you think? and suddenly i find out he hates me.. he doesn't want to talk to me.. just.. fuck. i find out i was too attached. well i knew that. thanks a fuckin lot for letting me know. just fuck. goddamn, i.............
he fucking signed on and the alert box popped up and i just.. stopped.
i stopped what i was doing, i froze up, my heart started doing this weird beating thing like i'm not even sure.. my hands shook a little bit and my brain started racking through everything trying to think of something i could say to him.
then he signed off.
and i was instantly disappointed, instantly thinking of ways to punish myself for not just saying "hi" , instantly on the verge of tears..
and then he came back and i took it into my own hands to start a conersation with him because it was obvious that he wouldn't and the only things he said back to me were "calm down." "i don't know." "i told you..." i wasn't worked up, he had never told me anything.. and who was supposed to know if he didn't??
i made him angry and suddenlyi hate myself for that.. i scared him away and i hate that.. because i liked him. i didnt have a crush on him. i LIKED him. a LOT. i had never felt like that before and as scary as it was i didn't want it to go away i didnt want to lose that because it was nice, it was beautiful it made me happy like i could never remember..
and then he told me i got to attached and he didn't even know how and now suddenly my hands are shaking and its taking too long to type this because of all the mistakes i have to go back and fix...
fuck.
i dont even know what to do.. it makes me sick i want to go barf myself i want to slit my writsts my throat i want to go lay down in traffic i want to cry i want to suffocate i want to be lost i want to go AWAY i want to be happy
there's no such thing as happiness. i've figured that out. there's always something that will bring you down there's always a reason youre wearing a mask to hide it there's always a smile you'll put on to pretend youre not wearing a frown underneath..
and suddenly i'm glued to my seat and i can't even move because i'm afraid that if i get up and try to walk i'll fall.. i'm afraid that if i get up and try to find something else to do, it will be something i would end up regretting.. fuck you. fuck emotions. fuck feeling. fuck my heart. fuck my well being. fuck my high cholesterol. fuck it all. fuck life. i dont even care anymore. someone pick me up and take me away for the weekend so i can drink and party and smoke and fuck up my lungs fuck up my liver fuck up my body fuck up my life because at this point there's no reason for me to stay sober anymore.... i dont care.
he fucking signed on and the alert box popped up and i just.. stopped.
i stopped what i was doing, i froze up, my heart started doing this weird beating thing like i'm not even sure.. my hands shook a little bit and my brain started racking through everything trying to think of something i could say to him.
then he signed off.
and i was instantly disappointed, instantly thinking of ways to punish myself for not just saying "hi" , instantly on the verge of tears..
and then he came back and i took it into my own hands to start a conersation with him because it was obvious that he wouldn't and the only things he said back to me were "calm down." "i don't know." "i told you..." i wasn't worked up, he had never told me anything.. and who was supposed to know if he didn't??
i made him angry and suddenlyi hate myself for that.. i scared him away and i hate that.. because i liked him. i didnt have a crush on him. i LIKED him. a LOT. i had never felt like that before and as scary as it was i didn't want it to go away i didnt want to lose that because it was nice, it was beautiful it made me happy like i could never remember..
and then he told me i got to attached and he didn't even know how and now suddenly my hands are shaking and its taking too long to type this because of all the mistakes i have to go back and fix...
fuck.
i dont even know what to do.. it makes me sick i want to go barf myself i want to slit my writsts my throat i want to go lay down in traffic i want to cry i want to suffocate i want to be lost i want to go AWAY i want to be happy
there's no such thing as happiness. i've figured that out. there's always something that will bring you down there's always a reason youre wearing a mask to hide it there's always a smile you'll put on to pretend youre not wearing a frown underneath..
and suddenly i'm glued to my seat and i can't even move because i'm afraid that if i get up and try to walk i'll fall.. i'm afraid that if i get up and try to find something else to do, it will be something i would end up regretting.. fuck you. fuck emotions. fuck feeling. fuck my heart. fuck my well being. fuck my high cholesterol. fuck it all. fuck life. i dont even care anymore. someone pick me up and take me away for the weekend so i can drink and party and smoke and fuck up my lungs fuck up my liver fuck up my body fuck up my life because at this point there's no reason for me to stay sober anymore.... i dont care.