gah!
fuck. anna's not home. alright, journal, you're my buddy now.
twenty years have passed and i guess the summation of the experiences and epiphanies shine through in this moment. does it? because i think i'm more messed up now than ever before. maybe it's because i'm losing potential. doors closing. brain getting more dull.
I can't remember! my life. So what, right? I'm in the 'now.' Well, the me in the 'now' is the product of years and years passed and this me sort of sucks. boring boring boring. ARGH!!! lack of inspiration it makes me want to cry. why am i incapable of attachment and feeling? or, why don't i just finally let myself go. GO!! what have i done, because i'm not even happy.
the summary of this semester is me falling into a relationship with someone because they like me so we try it out and then we fucked. then i said, 'no, this isn't right because you like me more than i like you.' well, then what? my co-fac tells me he likes me and persists to kiss me when i said that we shouldn't do that. so i break his heart. okay. then there's my student who's going to be gone by the end of the academic year. i need to break off this fuck buddy relationship now because i can't see people in a non-sexual way as a result. it takes up too much time and it seems like he's getting too comfortable with this dynamic. and there's the person i wanted to be friends with but also projected a lot of images on and the shrooms messed up the possibility of us being friends. there's one who i can be friends with but he's good friends with the projection screen. then, surprise, like a deux ex machina comes this amazingly compatible person who i can see being very close friends with, only that he's leaving at the end of the semester.
i miss being understood by someone else. i need that affirmation that i'm not crazy. so bloody co-dependent.
what has this life amounted to? fuck. no, that's it. fucking.
::rolls eyes::
i'm not going to let this happen. i'm going to get my life together. i will. will. let me convince myself and it will happen. will will will
twenty years have passed and i guess the summation of the experiences and epiphanies shine through in this moment. does it? because i think i'm more messed up now than ever before. maybe it's because i'm losing potential. doors closing. brain getting more dull.
I can't remember! my life. So what, right? I'm in the 'now.' Well, the me in the 'now' is the product of years and years passed and this me sort of sucks. boring boring boring. ARGH!!! lack of inspiration it makes me want to cry. why am i incapable of attachment and feeling? or, why don't i just finally let myself go. GO!! what have i done, because i'm not even happy.
the summary of this semester is me falling into a relationship with someone because they like me so we try it out and then we fucked. then i said, 'no, this isn't right because you like me more than i like you.' well, then what? my co-fac tells me he likes me and persists to kiss me when i said that we shouldn't do that. so i break his heart. okay. then there's my student who's going to be gone by the end of the academic year. i need to break off this fuck buddy relationship now because i can't see people in a non-sexual way as a result. it takes up too much time and it seems like he's getting too comfortable with this dynamic. and there's the person i wanted to be friends with but also projected a lot of images on and the shrooms messed up the possibility of us being friends. there's one who i can be friends with but he's good friends with the projection screen. then, surprise, like a deux ex machina comes this amazingly compatible person who i can see being very close friends with, only that he's leaving at the end of the semester.
i miss being understood by someone else. i need that affirmation that i'm not crazy. so bloody co-dependent.
what has this life amounted to? fuck. no, that's it. fucking.
::rolls eyes::
i'm not going to let this happen. i'm going to get my life together. i will. will. let me convince myself and it will happen. will will will