things

[etagirl]

With my cousin passing away this week I find myself in so many moods I get drained twice as fast as normal. I start the day depressed and I cry a little before I decide that crying won't do anything. I get up and go through the motions of getting ready. Then I think about going to my aunt and uncle's house but than I get a sense of dread from seeing them, but I do it anyways because I know that they are far worse than I can imagine. When I am there I try very hard to keep all of our minds off her, but we all know were thinking the same thing. Than I leave and whenever I do have like a smile on my face or I feel a little happy I feel guilty for even thinking about happiness right now. I know she would want to see all of us happy, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like that. So at the end of the day I collapse into bed and cry myself to sleep, knowing that I will start this whole thing all over again.

My aunt has asked me to speak at her funeral. I couldn't say no to her, but I'm terrified to say something. I know I'm going to start crying and I just want to be strong for my family. I don't know exactly what I'm going to talk about. God help me to find the right words.