Glass, Smooth and Jagged
Yesterday my nephew Tanner was born.
After 16 hours of labor - of waiting, of anticipation, of hoping, and great struggle on my sister's part - little Tanner arrived into the world at 6:09 p.m, at 8 pounds 4 ounces, 20 inches. He's a sweet, chubby thing, with little pale palms and tiny fussy feet. A full head of dark hair, and a quiet gentle presence - he didn't cry, not even once, the first four hours of his life. The nurses kept remarking at how stunned they were at that. And once he did finally cry, it was very brief, and he went right back to lazily blinking at his new overwhelming world in peaceful silence. Another heartbeat to add to our world's beautiful song.
When I first saw him and stroked his soft cheek with my finger, I started tearing up. Just wishing he'd always feel loved and like he belongs, and that he'd grow into a person who would make others feel the same. Thinking of future birthdays. Thinking of doing for him what my favorite aunt has done for me - like encouraging me to be myself, never making me feel strange or lesser for my interests or quirks, or driving me to a bookstore at 3 a.m. at night so I could get in line early to meet and get an autographed book from my favorite celebrity (and staying in that line with me for 9 hours). I hope I can be a good aunt. I don't know if I'll ever have kids of my own, or even marry, but I want Tanner to know he'll always be safe and taken care of under my roof - I wouldn't turn him away, no matter what. I know not all families are like that. Just because you're blood, doesn't mean you're loved by that person. Respected by them. That they care or consider you at all. Some families are really broken, and the jagged glass edges make them hurt each other again and again. I hope my glass will be smooth, and warm, and whole. My door always open.
I wrote last week that I was afraid of holding him. I've never held a baby before. But last night I did hold Tanner, when it was just Megan and Mom and me left in the hospital room. I was nervous, but I did it, and I didn't hurt him or drop him or accidentally let his neck fall back like I feared. It went fine, and I'm glad and relieved. =)
Dad also drove up from New Mexico, to be here for the birth and for Megan. The tension between him and Mom is so palpable I swear the hate and discomfort was practically a neon aura around them. Dad is cheerful and boisterous and obliviously hurtful in some of the things he says, like he's trying to get people on his side at her expense, and I can just see how it bothers and cuts Mom, every time. I wonder if it'll ever get easier, for them. Or, rather, for her. Dad acts totally fine with his new life - new girlfriend, new job, new house, new perhaps-soon-to-be-daughter, new everything. Mom is the one who cries, and tries to be strong. In the middle of it, emotionally I feel stretched thin. I know neither is blameless. I just try to keep on loving them both....the reality that divorce is so commonplace makes me feel worse. That tons of people are going through this, same as me...it's really heartbreaking. Even if I realize, in some cases, it really is for the better.
(I would have written about all this last night, but after being at the hospital from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m., I pretty much just passed out on the bed once I got home. ^^')
As for other things this week that made me happy beyond Megan and Tanner both getting through the pregnancy perfectly healthy; Chris and Will are adorable and make me squee!! =D They're so sweet, holding hands walking through Paris, I'm so happy that Chris seems so in love and content. <3 I also started watching the anime Attack on Titan and it is awesome. I marathoned all of it's available episodes on Crunchyroll last Sunday, and I'm definitely hooked.
But neither of those compare to the scream-into-my-pillow-in-excitement joy I had when Square-Enix revealed trailers for Kingdom Hearts 3 and Final Fantasy XV at this year's E3 this past week!!!!! =D I've been a proud gamer girl since I was ten-years-old, and the Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts series are ones I've been following for many many years. I'm so happy and excited for these two new games!!! I've waited 6 years or more for both of them and I'm so pleased the wait is almost over, when they come out I will retreat into my gamer cave and not return until I have emerged victorious and the end credit screen is playing...^^'
After 16 hours of labor - of waiting, of anticipation, of hoping, and great struggle on my sister's part - little Tanner arrived into the world at 6:09 p.m, at 8 pounds 4 ounces, 20 inches. He's a sweet, chubby thing, with little pale palms and tiny fussy feet. A full head of dark hair, and a quiet gentle presence - he didn't cry, not even once, the first four hours of his life. The nurses kept remarking at how stunned they were at that. And once he did finally cry, it was very brief, and he went right back to lazily blinking at his new overwhelming world in peaceful silence. Another heartbeat to add to our world's beautiful song.
When I first saw him and stroked his soft cheek with my finger, I started tearing up. Just wishing he'd always feel loved and like he belongs, and that he'd grow into a person who would make others feel the same. Thinking of future birthdays. Thinking of doing for him what my favorite aunt has done for me - like encouraging me to be myself, never making me feel strange or lesser for my interests or quirks, or driving me to a bookstore at 3 a.m. at night so I could get in line early to meet and get an autographed book from my favorite celebrity (and staying in that line with me for 9 hours). I hope I can be a good aunt. I don't know if I'll ever have kids of my own, or even marry, but I want Tanner to know he'll always be safe and taken care of under my roof - I wouldn't turn him away, no matter what. I know not all families are like that. Just because you're blood, doesn't mean you're loved by that person. Respected by them. That they care or consider you at all. Some families are really broken, and the jagged glass edges make them hurt each other again and again. I hope my glass will be smooth, and warm, and whole. My door always open.
I wrote last week that I was afraid of holding him. I've never held a baby before. But last night I did hold Tanner, when it was just Megan and Mom and me left in the hospital room. I was nervous, but I did it, and I didn't hurt him or drop him or accidentally let his neck fall back like I feared. It went fine, and I'm glad and relieved. =)
Dad also drove up from New Mexico, to be here for the birth and for Megan. The tension between him and Mom is so palpable I swear the hate and discomfort was practically a neon aura around them. Dad is cheerful and boisterous and obliviously hurtful in some of the things he says, like he's trying to get people on his side at her expense, and I can just see how it bothers and cuts Mom, every time. I wonder if it'll ever get easier, for them. Or, rather, for her. Dad acts totally fine with his new life - new girlfriend, new job, new house, new perhaps-soon-to-be-daughter, new everything. Mom is the one who cries, and tries to be strong. In the middle of it, emotionally I feel stretched thin. I know neither is blameless. I just try to keep on loving them both....the reality that divorce is so commonplace makes me feel worse. That tons of people are going through this, same as me...it's really heartbreaking. Even if I realize, in some cases, it really is for the better.
(I would have written about all this last night, but after being at the hospital from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m., I pretty much just passed out on the bed once I got home. ^^')
As for other things this week that made me happy beyond Megan and Tanner both getting through the pregnancy perfectly healthy; Chris and Will are adorable and make me squee!! =D They're so sweet, holding hands walking through Paris, I'm so happy that Chris seems so in love and content. <3 I also started watching the anime Attack on Titan and it is awesome. I marathoned all of it's available episodes on Crunchyroll last Sunday, and I'm definitely hooked.
But neither of those compare to the scream-into-my-pillow-in-excitement joy I had when Square-Enix revealed trailers for Kingdom Hearts 3 and Final Fantasy XV at this year's E3 this past week!!!!! =D I've been a proud gamer girl since I was ten-years-old, and the Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts series are ones I've been following for many many years. I'm so happy and excited for these two new games!!! I've waited 6 years or more for both of them and I'm so pleased the wait is almost over, when they come out I will retreat into my gamer cave and not return until I have emerged victorious and the end credit screen is playing...^^'