at the crossroads once again
"You know, art is the reason i get up in the morning, but my definition ends there, it doesn't seem fair that im living for something i can't even define, and there you are right there in the mean time."
ok, i came back from the 10 day meditation course, and suddenly my home was a place of beautiful light. Everything was shining because i reached a new level of clarity and attention through the course, and i had a hard time when that ignorance started piling on a little bit. No sooner than an hour of my parents treating me with love and compassion did they fall into their usual habits of misery and i guess i took my sadness at that point too seriously. With little food and little companionship i had a rough time setting back in and i've thought how it is for the best if i leave soon.
That's when an opportunity for affordable housing came up in northern rhode island, i checked out the appartment today, and the people that live there are mad cool. what a perfect act of kindness the universe layed with me so now i'm waiting for my employer to let me know that i am in fact employed.
So the quote from ani difranco i started with is really my focal point. I am lost between my life getting ready to pick itself up off the ground, i'm at that changing point, but i can see acceleration coming, i think everyone is waiting to find out if i'm real or not. The situation is such that i have seen the way music affects people and stirs joy into their hearts and gets them singing and dancing, and this infection spreads creating more artists and i'm wondering what great inspiration fuels me to continue in this path. It's a question of giving up even music to an identity that i've created for myself, but in the meantime i have all these questions of well, what should i do and why should i do it. So i sit back and think i should create music for the benefits, the one time it sparks me and the more i do it, the better i'll be at that. Another is just like, hey its there to try, why not give it a fair one? So i break down this pressure to be a musician, artist, poet and all the ego that is involved calling oneself these things. Its not a title its an action that i've been too damn focused on starting that i haven't given some breathing room to my creation. So i'm starting to do things like intuitive exercises but i'm still addicted to this need to find one occupation to define myself. i'm working on that. I'm left giving gratitude for wisdom, and thinking a person who develops all aspects of their lives with great focus on each one will grow faster than someone who is only determined to do one thing. I actually got better at tenor when i didn't play it because i got better at artwork and poetry and 'seeing' in general. fascinating
the directions i'm looking towards:
songwriting, solo performance and waiting for the perfect bandmates to fall in line
practicing art, gaining some acceptance and spots at galleries, getting some money from this?
writing another book of poetry, the more i do it, the better i get, the more rewarding
joining a band to tour all over the place, leaving a lot of this behind.
creating my own band and writing a lot to start from scratch and gain a following
become a monk and work towards peace at a faster pace?
ok, i came back from the 10 day meditation course, and suddenly my home was a place of beautiful light. Everything was shining because i reached a new level of clarity and attention through the course, and i had a hard time when that ignorance started piling on a little bit. No sooner than an hour of my parents treating me with love and compassion did they fall into their usual habits of misery and i guess i took my sadness at that point too seriously. With little food and little companionship i had a rough time setting back in and i've thought how it is for the best if i leave soon.
That's when an opportunity for affordable housing came up in northern rhode island, i checked out the appartment today, and the people that live there are mad cool. what a perfect act of kindness the universe layed with me so now i'm waiting for my employer to let me know that i am in fact employed.
So the quote from ani difranco i started with is really my focal point. I am lost between my life getting ready to pick itself up off the ground, i'm at that changing point, but i can see acceleration coming, i think everyone is waiting to find out if i'm real or not. The situation is such that i have seen the way music affects people and stirs joy into their hearts and gets them singing and dancing, and this infection spreads creating more artists and i'm wondering what great inspiration fuels me to continue in this path. It's a question of giving up even music to an identity that i've created for myself, but in the meantime i have all these questions of well, what should i do and why should i do it. So i sit back and think i should create music for the benefits, the one time it sparks me and the more i do it, the better i'll be at that. Another is just like, hey its there to try, why not give it a fair one? So i break down this pressure to be a musician, artist, poet and all the ego that is involved calling oneself these things. Its not a title its an action that i've been too damn focused on starting that i haven't given some breathing room to my creation. So i'm starting to do things like intuitive exercises but i'm still addicted to this need to find one occupation to define myself. i'm working on that. I'm left giving gratitude for wisdom, and thinking a person who develops all aspects of their lives with great focus on each one will grow faster than someone who is only determined to do one thing. I actually got better at tenor when i didn't play it because i got better at artwork and poetry and 'seeing' in general. fascinating
the directions i'm looking towards:
songwriting, solo performance and waiting for the perfect bandmates to fall in line
practicing art, gaining some acceptance and spots at galleries, getting some money from this?
writing another book of poetry, the more i do it, the better i get, the more rewarding
joining a band to tour all over the place, leaving a lot of this behind.
creating my own band and writing a lot to start from scratch and gain a following
become a monk and work towards peace at a faster pace?