A reason for the random thoughts...
So, it seems that I have ADHD. The DSM-IV-TR says: "It is characterized by developmentally inappropriate levels of inattention and/or hyperactive-impulsive behavior, with significant impairment occurring in at least two settings." I'm not sure where I fit into all of this, but it may explain a lot of things about me, like me forgetting EVERYTHING, being super spacey, and the fact that I can't ever really stop thinking. Honestly, I was amused by all of my little quirks caused by the disorder, like never sitting still or having the attention span of a 4 year old, but since college, they've become seriously annoying. A lot of people think ADHD is a load of bull and i was inclined to agree with them, but then someone explained it to me as not being attention deficient, which implies that you have the inability to give attention to anything, including a singular object or idea, but as being overly attentive. That instead of focusing your attention on the most important thing at that moment, everything is of equal importance, from what my physics professor is saying to my pinky-finger nailbeds being uneven. So consequencially, I have a coherant thought about everything that's present and related to it. If you think about how many stimuli are in any given environment and how many experiences and past thoughts may be associated with the given stimuli, that's a lot of thoughts at once. I always thought it was cool that I thought all the time...at one time I thought I could be a philosopher since I thought about everything so much and made tons of theories on behavior. Of course I was 17 at the time, so really what did I know, but I did spend a great deal of time thinking. I still do. I still prefer to live in my own world of thoughts and randomness that make sense to me and only me because if I try to explain my logic, no one ever gets it or I interrupt myself with an entirely different thought before I finish the point I was trying to make. Kind of like now...when I just ramble on about things that don't matter.
I just can't wait until I get a medication that works because seriously, it would be nice to have a blank mind for once. People don't know how great it is just to have complete silence in their brain until it's impossible to get. Even when I'm exhausted and lying in bed, my brain doesn't shut up. Whenever it gets really bad, I imagine I'm dressed in white, sitting in a white chair in a white room with no door and no shadows, not even my own. So everything is just white and blank and if thoughts come in, I just let them come and go. I don't hang on to any one thought or explore the thoughts further. In the room, there is just silence. If I think about it long enough and really put myself in that room, I can fall asleep within minutes. If I could have this whenever I wanted and not have to try so hard to get it, I will be relieved.
I'm on Strattera starting tomorrow, so hopefully this will be the last night of all this stuff. Good night.
I just can't wait until I get a medication that works because seriously, it would be nice to have a blank mind for once. People don't know how great it is just to have complete silence in their brain until it's impossible to get. Even when I'm exhausted and lying in bed, my brain doesn't shut up. Whenever it gets really bad, I imagine I'm dressed in white, sitting in a white chair in a white room with no door and no shadows, not even my own. So everything is just white and blank and if thoughts come in, I just let them come and go. I don't hang on to any one thought or explore the thoughts further. In the room, there is just silence. If I think about it long enough and really put myself in that room, I can fall asleep within minutes. If I could have this whenever I wanted and not have to try so hard to get it, I will be relieved.
I'm on Strattera starting tomorrow, so hopefully this will be the last night of all this stuff. Good night.