ever feel like your world is crashing down?
I guess mine really is.
Last night I couldn't focus. I went to the beach and sat on the swings. There's something soothing about swinging on the beach at night. Puts life into focus. There's nothing but you and the air... the crashing waves and the stars mirrored in the clear water.
Never has life been less fair then it is right now. I love this guy unconditionally and want nothing more than to marry him. 3 years of fighting for us to be together and I'm finally starting to think that this might be the end. I can't keep doing this. This not living because who knows when or if I might hear something from the Embassy. And I have been not living. I didn't go to Oregon because we thought the visa would come through this fall. I've spent more money than I would care to admit traveling there... living there for months, sending packages, calling the embassy, hiring lawyers. 3 years later we are seconds away from a visa and I learn that in order to obtain one, we should have filed for an extension 2 months ago. Back to square one...
Which leaves me questioning... can I go back to square one? Or have I just been holding on for the past few months because I'm terrified of letting go. My whole life is Haiti... is him. I don't know who I am without him. I don't know if I want to know. Losing him means losing everything that I have cherished and fought for... loved and become impassioned about for the past 3 years. I don't make sense without him. Without his family. Without Haiti. Which begs the question... am I hiding behind Haiti?
All I know is that I have cried harder in the past few weeks than I have in the past few years. And while my friends and family might tell me that it's normal and ok for me to flirt, date, to tell Gabidson that I need time, that I need to live.... I feel so guilty. But wait. I feel guilty for living my life? For being young? There is no question in my mind that I want to marry him. None at all. But I don't know if I will get that chance.
And it makes me furious. I've been engaged for a year... I've been planning my wedding. It's not fair that I might not get the chance to have that wedding. Today is the first day in over a year that I have not worn my ring. I did today to see how I would feel. I feel naked. Empty.
At the same time, my life has taken on so many changes lately. I have this incredible job. Self-contained High School setting is where I dreamed of being, and I have been blessed with 9 challenging students whom I adore and 5 ed techs who I get along famously with. My school has become my life. I can't share that with him. As good as his English is... even if Sped ideas did translate, without him here...he can't understand my life on a daily basis.
On top of the job, I've turned into an adult overnight. New people are coming into my life who present challenges and offers. I find it easier lately to leave out the details of my life than try to explain them to him. I shouldn't be feeling that way.
There is no easy answer... and I feel like any way I jump I'll get hurt.
Last night I couldn't focus. I went to the beach and sat on the swings. There's something soothing about swinging on the beach at night. Puts life into focus. There's nothing but you and the air... the crashing waves and the stars mirrored in the clear water.
Never has life been less fair then it is right now. I love this guy unconditionally and want nothing more than to marry him. 3 years of fighting for us to be together and I'm finally starting to think that this might be the end. I can't keep doing this. This not living because who knows when or if I might hear something from the Embassy. And I have been not living. I didn't go to Oregon because we thought the visa would come through this fall. I've spent more money than I would care to admit traveling there... living there for months, sending packages, calling the embassy, hiring lawyers. 3 years later we are seconds away from a visa and I learn that in order to obtain one, we should have filed for an extension 2 months ago. Back to square one...
Which leaves me questioning... can I go back to square one? Or have I just been holding on for the past few months because I'm terrified of letting go. My whole life is Haiti... is him. I don't know who I am without him. I don't know if I want to know. Losing him means losing everything that I have cherished and fought for... loved and become impassioned about for the past 3 years. I don't make sense without him. Without his family. Without Haiti. Which begs the question... am I hiding behind Haiti?
All I know is that I have cried harder in the past few weeks than I have in the past few years. And while my friends and family might tell me that it's normal and ok for me to flirt, date, to tell Gabidson that I need time, that I need to live.... I feel so guilty. But wait. I feel guilty for living my life? For being young? There is no question in my mind that I want to marry him. None at all. But I don't know if I will get that chance.
And it makes me furious. I've been engaged for a year... I've been planning my wedding. It's not fair that I might not get the chance to have that wedding. Today is the first day in over a year that I have not worn my ring. I did today to see how I would feel. I feel naked. Empty.
At the same time, my life has taken on so many changes lately. I have this incredible job. Self-contained High School setting is where I dreamed of being, and I have been blessed with 9 challenging students whom I adore and 5 ed techs who I get along famously with. My school has become my life. I can't share that with him. As good as his English is... even if Sped ideas did translate, without him here...he can't understand my life on a daily basis.
On top of the job, I've turned into an adult overnight. New people are coming into my life who present challenges and offers. I find it easier lately to leave out the details of my life than try to explain them to him. I shouldn't be feeling that way.
There is no easy answer... and I feel like any way I jump I'll get hurt.