Some thoughts on sobriety and being present.
I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. It’s an identity I often refer to in an almost-facetious way but I need to sometimes be vulnerable and upfront: Growing up with a parent with a significant drinking problem has affected me deeply in a number of ways. One way is that being around ‘drinking is normal’ for me, I tend to be paranoid about the reasons why, and the ways that I choose to drink.
I am not sober all the time. I choose to drink. I sometimes choose it to relax or blow off steam, to enter into a slightly altered state to enjoy a night out or smooth social anxiety. I don’t always do it for the healthiest of reasons, but I am experienced enough to know myself and deal with consequences.
I often choose not to drink, though. There are a lot of complicated reasons but one of the most joyful and affirming reasons is this: I like to be present.
Being sober helps me to be present. I have had a lot of experiences where I have chosen to escape - into my own head, into a book, into a video game, into drugs or drink, into sleep-deprivation or lust or a combination of all of these. There’s a lot of stuff in my life I didn’t want to live through. But I did.
I did live through everything. And I am still alive. I want to stay that way, which means engaging with my life. I want to know when I’m sad. I want to let myself feel it, so I can heal my own wounds and learn from this ache. I want to know when I’m angry - what threatened me and why, and if I need to do anything to be safe again. I want to know when I’m bored or frustrated, so I can find what to change. I’m still practicing this awareness, still figuring out my needs, but I get better all the time and life gets better for it.
I am alive and in a place where I like being alive. Life isn’t easy but I’ve figured out ways of being safe and strong and happy. I want to experience that. I want to experience laughing with my friends, delicious food and the challenge of making something. I want to appreciate the sun on my skin, the smell of my lovers, my comfortable warm bed. I want to notice all the details of the precious moments where I feel awake, aware and full of joy. I want to notice how and why they happen - and make them happen again and again. I am often sober because I choose to be as alive as I know how to be.
I’m not writing this to say you’re wrong in your choices. I’m not writing this because my reasons are better or worse than anyone else’s. I’m writing this because I enjoy the clarity of where I am and where I strive to be - and I want to share that with others.
I am not sober all the time. I choose to drink. I sometimes choose it to relax or blow off steam, to enter into a slightly altered state to enjoy a night out or smooth social anxiety. I don’t always do it for the healthiest of reasons, but I am experienced enough to know myself and deal with consequences.
I often choose not to drink, though. There are a lot of complicated reasons but one of the most joyful and affirming reasons is this: I like to be present.
Being sober helps me to be present. I have had a lot of experiences where I have chosen to escape - into my own head, into a book, into a video game, into drugs or drink, into sleep-deprivation or lust or a combination of all of these. There’s a lot of stuff in my life I didn’t want to live through. But I did.
I did live through everything. And I am still alive. I want to stay that way, which means engaging with my life. I want to know when I’m sad. I want to let myself feel it, so I can heal my own wounds and learn from this ache. I want to know when I’m angry - what threatened me and why, and if I need to do anything to be safe again. I want to know when I’m bored or frustrated, so I can find what to change. I’m still practicing this awareness, still figuring out my needs, but I get better all the time and life gets better for it.
I am alive and in a place where I like being alive. Life isn’t easy but I’ve figured out ways of being safe and strong and happy. I want to experience that. I want to experience laughing with my friends, delicious food and the challenge of making something. I want to appreciate the sun on my skin, the smell of my lovers, my comfortable warm bed. I want to notice all the details of the precious moments where I feel awake, aware and full of joy. I want to notice how and why they happen - and make them happen again and again. I am often sober because I choose to be as alive as I know how to be.
I’m not writing this to say you’re wrong in your choices. I’m not writing this because my reasons are better or worse than anyone else’s. I’m writing this because I enjoy the clarity of where I am and where I strive to be - and I want to share that with others.