Security
I'm not used to feeling safe. I'm usually feeling some sort of insecurity - or lack of safety - in one area of my life or another.
So, as a strategy, I've learned various strategies of dishonesty (usually really surreptitious, even to myself), guardedness, hypervigilance to deal with the situation. I tend to have a low but constant level of anxiety about one or many areas of my life at once.
This means I'm not necessarily attuned to seeking situations and people who are fundamentally safe for me. Because my inner experience is always that of insecurity, my measures of safety are broken. An acceptable situation is usually one where I've evaluated the risks as acceptable - not that there is no risk.
I am currently experiencing some security. I'm doing a job where I am not experiencing imposter syndrome, and I'm getting good feedback on my work. In fact, I successfully took over a fun but unwanted job today. (Designing and compiling the quarterly newsletter - not much, but I like it.)
My roommate and I are working out well. We take turns slacking and cleaning, we commisserate and share stuff but I feel like there's good boundaries.
My lovelife is good - R & I have been together almost 2 years with only a couple bumps/hitches, and I'm starting to realise that this is just how it's going to be between her and I. And I like it. My dating K is feeling fun and safe and sweet - I'm not sure how much potential there is, but that's what dating is all about, the finding out.
I'm starting to have more energy to do things like keep up on emails, do projects, host things - without feeling desperate or scared or not good enough.
I think my project next year is to make sure I behave within a capacity that cultivates and reflects security.
So, as a strategy, I've learned various strategies of dishonesty (usually really surreptitious, even to myself), guardedness, hypervigilance to deal with the situation. I tend to have a low but constant level of anxiety about one or many areas of my life at once.
This means I'm not necessarily attuned to seeking situations and people who are fundamentally safe for me. Because my inner experience is always that of insecurity, my measures of safety are broken. An acceptable situation is usually one where I've evaluated the risks as acceptable - not that there is no risk.
I am currently experiencing some security. I'm doing a job where I am not experiencing imposter syndrome, and I'm getting good feedback on my work. In fact, I successfully took over a fun but unwanted job today. (Designing and compiling the quarterly newsletter - not much, but I like it.)
My roommate and I are working out well. We take turns slacking and cleaning, we commisserate and share stuff but I feel like there's good boundaries.
My lovelife is good - R & I have been together almost 2 years with only a couple bumps/hitches, and I'm starting to realise that this is just how it's going to be between her and I. And I like it. My dating K is feeling fun and safe and sweet - I'm not sure how much potential there is, but that's what dating is all about, the finding out.
I'm starting to have more energy to do things like keep up on emails, do projects, host things - without feeling desperate or scared or not good enough.
I think my project next year is to make sure I behave within a capacity that cultivates and reflects security.