it takes too much out of me to pretend
Jan. 25
Orlando is crowded, the weather is stupid, and the school is ridiculous. It's "fake school." I'm just so uncomfortable. I rarely make friends from school so I haven't met anybody. There are always a couple people I work with when we are forced to work in groups in each class but I never talk to them outside of class and rarely do we talk about anything else other than whatever it is we're supposed to be working on. I don't operate that way. I just hope my roommates aren't too horrible. I'm just trying to kill some time before I, hopefully, transfer. Job hunting is okay...no callbacks but I did schmooze with the manager at Victoria's Secret (I'm desperate :-( ) and I meet with the store manager on Friday for the part-time keyholder position they're looking for. It's mostly luck...I just happen to be available during the times they need. Luckily they don't have a beauty store attached so it doesn't hurt my head and face. I don't want the job but I really need the money...and thanks for your offer. I know you need it and I just can't accept it, no matter how poor I am.
I called Fletcher again and the registrar swore up and down that the computer systems were messed up and that I didn't have a graduation date on my transcripts. What? I don't get but she said she's going to send them again. I'd go get them myself and pay a visit to my family if I could but I can't. :-( I'm missing basketball practices and I'm going to miss the first game. I owe Will so much money already, I'll probably hand him most of my checks and make him take it when I finally start working. I wish I could get some financial aid. I'm just rambling now so I'm going to go watch some tv for a bit and wait for my shows to come on.
Feb. 6
It's pretty nice here, I suppose. We've had a series of Florida Winter Days...it's cold in the morning and fairly nice during the day (low 70s) but the sun is shining a little bit too much without any cloud cover so I sweat my ass off anyway. I never know what to wear anymore.
I bombed my history test today but that was expected. I'll do better next time now that I know what to expect. Not much to say on why life isn't going so well. I'm out of money and practically jobless. I'm supposed to hear back from a guy that I talked to today, but so far, no word. Maybe once Will gets home from class we can just head up there. I'm a little weary of driving my car right now because I have a gazillion pound storage tub in the backseat. It's excellent for my gas mileage...not.
I moved into my apartment Friday. By moving in I mean Mom brought my stuff from Jacksonville and I put it in the room. All of my clothes and such are still here at Will's and it's where I'm sleeping. I'm just taking it one day at a time. We put together my bookcase and put all of my books on it only to find out I need another one. I thought the 5 shelf case would be enough but it's not. One of my roommates I never see, one of them is a big clubwhore and has been nothing but a bitch to me since I walked in the door, and I'm not sure what to think about the third. She's nice though her myspace is scary. She's less of a clubwhore than bitchface (aren't I nice?) and at least she's nice to me. I can't see us becoming friends but we might be able to cross each other in the kitchen. Mom already said she's buying me a minifridge because of this, haha. Which is good because I'm really not keen on interacting with them. We're so completely incompatible. I'm glad I like Will's roommates and I'm here most of the time anyway so it doesn't matter too much. We were actually talking about making this apartment coed once his three roommates leave this summer anyway...me paying the 200 bucks to move into one of the empty rooms here and letting the office choose the other two. We have a lot of time to discuss something like that so it hasn't really been talked through but it was an idea that we tossed around for a few minutes.
I think I'm getting sick and I don't have a doctor here. That reminded me that I need to go call Tricare and fix that. :-)
Feb. 23
I'm still thinking about your email and I just want you to know itmeant a lot to me to read that. Again, I wish I had something to say about it but really, I just want to give you a hug. Mom had mentioned to me that sometimes she thinks I'm seeing my grandmother all over again. When I was little, we lived with her and at times (keep in mind I was really young, no older than 6) I felt I loved her more than my mom. I was my grandmother's "baby's baby." She worked at Wal-Mart and brought me home something every night from work...little things like a book or a candy bar. I had an older cousin but it just wasn't the same with my grandmother. She taught me how to play gin and we'd stay up late into the night when my mom wasn't home playing and eating popcorn shrimp. She also taught me how to make cocktail sauce with ketchup and horseradish. It was hard to move to Virginia, away from her. Mom tried to convince her to come live with us but Grandma didn't want to leave her house. I was only seven when I lost her. Mom has told me I tried to climb in her casket at the viewing. We had Christmas pretty late that year because we had to go to New York for the funeral. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if she was alive or hadn't died so early on in my life...but it would have been extremely different. I don't think I'm looking at Mary that way, but if I am, it's definitely not a conscious thing. I try not to think about it because it makes me cry. I don't want to lose her but I feel like it's unavoidable. I wish I could come over and watch movies and bring her napkins but I can't.
In happier news, I totally am getting a job at Target. When I went to return a lot of the things I bought on Tuesday (boy is that another sad story), I figured I'd fill out an application. There was a hiring sign on the door but when I went to the kiosk, the stickers indicated they were only looking for overnight people. I filled it out anyway, thinking about how I could pull off an overnight schedule if I needed it. At Target you fill out the computer application then pick up the phone and tell the associate you did it. They send a manager over apparently. I didn't know that so I wasn't dressed for an interview. One of the managers came over, said she forgot to print out my information, and disappeared in the back to get it. I sat there for what felt like forever when some other woman walked up and told me the printer was broken. She took me into the office and basically mini-interviewed me for the job. Unfortunately it's only $6.50 but it's at least 18 hours a week so I can somehow supplement or keep looking. I can't not accept it just because it only pays $6.50. The printer was printing out the information to another store in the area so she said she'd have to have Gina (some other manager I suppose) call me back Friday since she's off today. Her tone wasn't "IF we hire you you'd get $6.50" it was "You'll be getting paid $6.50." Oh! She doesn't want me on the overnight shifts, she wants me on the sales floor. I told her I was worried because I've never worked in a store that large before bu tI'm a fast learner. If Gina can't schedule me for an interview tomorrow, she said I'd be in on Monday.
I also had an interview with Sears today (but that was an automated one so it's not like they called me and said "hey we like you come in") but that one didn't go so well. The very unfriendly manager said she didn't need someone with my availability but that she'd give it to the other managers. I don't want that one anyway. I want the Target discount. :-P I got an email from Macy's, setting up an interview, but I think that's FT and I'm not sure I can pull that one off. I set up the interview anyway because you never know what they're going to pay and how flexible they'll be.
I really wish I could come up this weekend but with the tires about to go and what little money I have left, I can't afford to risk it. I thought I'd have a lot more left over but I don't. But hopefully I get this Target job and I won't have to worry nearly as much. Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to work a LOT to be able to have money left over from pay bills to support myself. I'm not sure what else to do and it's difficult to balance two jobs while working in retail because your schedule is never the same. I'd also like to work at CVS but I haven't had any luck with them so far. The library job, unfortunately, fell through (I should have applied earlier) sort of but I'm not so sure if it's going to work out with them or not.
No new school news...I have a psych exam on Monday but I'm not worried about it. She gave is the worst review on the planet. She read the test outloud after making us put all of our stuff away. We sort of answered outloud (the entire test is MATCHING so when she read all of the options we had a hard time remembering them all) and then when she was done reading us the test, we were able to go through our notes and mark down what we remembered. I found this hysterical considering the test is on the chapter about memory. We watched the first half hour of Memento and then she cruelly stopped it with no intention of picking it back up. I can't wait to finish it.