Hypnotized
Name: Hypnotized (Sorry. This is me being lame.)
Finished: June 24, 2007
Pairing(s): Cris/Wayne, Rio/Vida, Gary/Ryan, Alan/Darren
Rating: Uh. No idea. G, probably.
Summary: Darren is a hypnotist (in an orange box *winks at Trish*). Desaster strikes.
Warnings: I'm not sure if this would work out in reality - so it might read slightly AU-ish. And there are bad jokes.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Except for typos...yay, I own 'em typos!! (hell yeah. XD')
Author's Notes: This is written for and because of - trishkiss_x (It's officially your fic now, dear. ^^ *likes* ♥ ) Feedback makes me incredibly happy, too, and I hope you enjoy reading :D
"You can do - what?"
The rest of the gang is no less surprised at Darren's unexpected revelation, but it's Smudge who speaks up first, staring in utter disbelief at his friend from his position in one of the two comfortable armchairs.
"Aw, c'mon, Smudger, it's not like it's that absurd", Rio intervenes from down on the floor, lying flat on his stomach. "Or how do you - ahh!" he interrupts himself and turns his head to look over his shoulder. "Vida, what the fuckin' hell are you doing!?"
"Massaging", the Serb replies, sitting on his partner's back and looking innocent. "You say back is tense, so I massaging", he elaborates and shifts his weight a little, causing Rio to groan and bury his head into the fabric on the carpet on Alan's living room floor.
"Anyway, what I wanted to say is that it's not that absurd, really - jus' have a look at his girlfriend, how'd ya think Fletch would get a fit bird like that?" he teases from out of the carpet - and maybe it's good he doesn't see the glare the Scot is directing at him, for it's a murderous one.
But before Darren can even think of something to say, the tense silence is interrupted by a loud curse and a thud from the room next door; someone is laughing, and there's a second thud!, then: "Ouch!" and again, silence.
Seconds later, Ryan Giggs appears in the doorframe, rubbing his side. "Hypnosis, Fletch? You should try it on Gary, he's definitely got a problem with losing at FIFA '07." he states and drops onto the couch, lifting his shirt to see if he already gets a bruise where Gaz has almost stuck his fist into his ribcage, or so it feels. Caught up in the examination of the maltreated spot, he startles when suddenly, cool, slender fingers crawl their way up his thigh and onto the exposed flesh, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind them.
"Nah, I've just got a problem with people who tell me I'm the red-circled players when I'm, in fact, the blue-circled ones." Gary scowls at Ryan while his fingers ghost over the red spot, and his the Welsh shoves him playfully: "Never thought you'd fall for it - seriously, Gaz, I think you're getting old, 'cause it's not that hard to remember which team you're playing!"
Meanwhile, Alan's attention has been drawn from the light-hearted banter to the third couch in the room; nervously watching the action there, he tugs at a strand of his hair and chews on his bottom lip - then asks Darren with a small voice: "Fletch? Do you think your hypno stuff could make them stop before they...make a mess on my couch?"
Instead of answering, Darren picks up a pillow, aims with one eye closed and his tongue sticking out in concentration and - throws. The fluffy thing flies, glides through the air in one perfect curve, just so misses the ceiling lamp and hits Ronnie at the back of his head.
"Don't need it for stuff like that", the Scot smirks when the Portuguese turns around, glaring at each of his teammate with a genuine mixture of both anger and confusion on his face. "Is not funny!" he complains, sitting on Wayne's lap and pushing a strand of back, curly hair out of his face. "Yeah, it's not like we've been doing that back in the dressing room the other day", the striker under him agrees, furrowing his eyebrows and looking in Fletch's direction.
"Eh-heh, no punches below the waist line, Wazza - at least not in public", Rio chimes in, having managed to wiggle himself out of Vida's hold. "And hi, by the way, didn't see ya under there when I was arrivin'." he smirks.
"Ah, just, leave it, Ferdinand", Wayne replies, feeling the faintest hint of anger rising up in his chest. It's not like he's able to be with Ronnie all the time - and so it's even more annoying than usual when his teammates decide to play another stupid prank on them. Hell yeah, they're so funny, he thinks and looks around. "What was that about, anyway?"
"Darren's doing haemorrhides", Vida says eagerly.
For a moment there, no one says anything - Ryan and Gary look at each other, trying not to laugh out loud; Wayne blinks and shakes his head like a dog just coming out of the water, while Ronnie looks confused and wrinkles his nose, somehow sensing that 'haemorrhides' is the word for something really disgusting; Rio, now sitting on the floor with his legs crossed, covers his face with his hands and groans inwardly; and Alan and Darren plain stare it each other with a 'wtf?' expression plastered across their faces.
It's the Serb who breaks the silence again. "Not?", he asks, and that little word comes out so small and confused, and with the most frightened expression ever, that even Gaz and Giggsy, who have silently agreed not to laugh to avoid making Vida feel like a complete idiot, burst out laughing. And, after a few seconds, Nemanja is laughing, too, even if he doesn't really understand what exactly has gone wrong this time; but he gets his answer as soon as Rio has stopped wheezing with laughter.
"Hypnosis, not haemorrhides, mate", the English defender explains to him. "Hypnosis is what they do at prom parties or whereever, you know, swing a pendulum in front of your eyes and make you do things until you snap your fingers."
Nod. "Understand." Vida says contently and leans against Rio. "But I not believe he is doing.", he adds and looks sceptically at Darren. So does Ronnie, and after a second of hesitation, he insists: "Why not show us, then?"
Everyone is leaning forward a little automatically. "Yeah, show us!", Alan nods enthusiastically, but Darren isn't convinced. "Um...y'know, it's not like it's that simple, you know..." he tries to protest, but his argument is waved off by Gary, who has meanwhile come to the conclusion that that could be quite a funny entertainment. "As long as you don't make us jump out of the window, why don't you just give it a go?"
"Um..."
"Ya wanna chicken out now, mate?" Rio, of course.
"Um...no."
"Then work your magic, why don't you?"
"Ahem...ookay. I need a volunteer, though."
"NO WAY! Stop lookin' at me, mate, I had nothing to do with this until you threw that pillow at Ronnie!" That was Wayne, hiding behind Ronnie as good as he could.
Shaking of heads, then - "I'll do it, since everyone else has decided to turn into a girl."
"Haha, Smudge, he'll make ya eat your shorts."
"Shut up, Rio."
"What's funny about eating shorts?" Disgusted nosewrinkling.
"Later, Ronnie. It's difficult."
"You're excluding." Pouting, and a poke in the ribs.
"Am not, I want to see what he's doing with that pendulum thingie."
"See!"
An exasperated sigh, then a kiss on the cheek. "Okay, I love you, happy now?"
Nodding and an affectionate ruffling of hair. "Very."
"Could you be quiet now? I'm trying to concentrate here."
"Sorry, Fletch."
"Go, Fletchmeister!" Rio, again.
"Shssssssh!" Gary and Ryan, simultaneously.
"Okay, look at the pendulum, Smudge, follow him back and forth...back and forth..." While Alan follows Darren's instructions, he starts to feel a little ridiculous. "You're not going to make me confess anything I don't want you to hear, okay?"
"Nah, and now stop talking...just follow the pendulum, until your eyelids become veeery heavy..." This is stupid. What will they do to him? Probably something that looks twice as embarrassing on mobile phone pictures as in reality, Alan thinks while he follows the pendulum, back and forth, back and forth...is anything going to happen anytime soon?
Apparently not.
"Uh...apparently, I'm hypnosis-resistant." he finally states, blinking and tearing his eyes away from the pandulum. He blinks a few times, because the constant staring has dried them out, and looks around. "Sorry, guys."
"Hahaa, look at Fletch!"
"Hello? Fletch!"
"Oy, Fletchmeister!"
"...I think he has hypnotized himself."
"Really?"
Alan waves a hand in front of the Scot's face. "Anybody home there?" Darren doesn't even blink. "Smith to Fletcher, over!" Nothing.
"Hey, we could test him! Make him eat a hamster or wear his boxers over his head!" Laughter.
"I think is not right..."
"Aw, stop being such a sissy, Ronnie, we'll try something harmless."
"Darren? Sniff at Wazza's socks."
"You're so mean, - Look!"
The players watch fascinatedly when Darren approaches Wayne, moving forward like a sleepwalker - then, he stops right in front of the couch, sits down on the floor and lowers his nose to Wayne's feet.
Sneeze. Darren sits upright again, head slightly tilted to one side, staring ahead with an engrossed expression on his features.
"Oy, is he awake again now?"
"Don't think so, he'd have started coughing by now. Your feet are lethal weapons, Wazza."
"Oh, bugger off!"
"How make him wake up?"
"Good question, Vida."
"Honestly, I have no idea."
"Me, neither."
"Maybe he wakes up by himself?"
"Is not..."
"Shut up, Ronnie."
"He surely can't go home like that. Imagine someone tells him to fuck off."
"Sssh! Are you mad?"
"...He can stay here. But just for tonight!"
*****
It's seven o'clock in the morning, and Smudge wakes up to the feeling that something is not...normal today. After a quick check, he is relieved to be in his own home, in his own bed, but oh. What. The. Hell. Why is Fletch there? Only slowly, the events of the previous day come back to him, the failed hypnosis, Darren sniffing Wayne's socks. Ronnie going on about this not being right and falling on everyone's nerves. Rio telling him under four eyes that Darren, for a long time, has this crush on - stop. Again. Rio - telling - him - oh no, please tell me, no, Alan begs, then slowly lifts his blankets.
Onoz. That's wrong, he's naked. And he has the nagging suspicion that this is too true for Darren, who is sleeping soundly next to him.
Just then, the jalousie snaps open, and Smudge almost suffers from heartstroke because he has really, really forgotten about that damn thing being broken and that he wanted to fix it. Slowly, pieces of information about hypnotiseurs enter his sleep-drenched brain. "One, two, three...and when I snap my fingers, you'll wake up and not remember anything."
Oh no. Please not.
"...where am I?"
"...um...Fletch?"
"Smudge?"
"Do you feel hypnotized?"
"Yes. No. Wait! What the fuck..."
"..Yeah."