When I grow up I'll be a lady...
Probably not. Unless it's a crazy cat lady and since I have the crazy part covered all I need is a few more cats, a rocking chair, a porch, and a shotgun.
Been in a depression rut lately.... well the last three months really, but who's counting? I'm trying to be happy, I really am, but it's just not my natural state of being and life just keeps shitting right on top of me. Every time I manage to pick up a few pieces I end up dropping them and breaking them into even more pieces. I'm just replacing one bad habit with another. I haven't cut in weeks, but I've just replaced that with booze and drugs. For a few weeks there I didn't think about suicide every second of every day, but it's starting to seep back in. I want it, I want it so bad I ache for it. I'm sick of fighting for the tiniest victory, I'm sick of plastering on a smile, I'm sick and fucking tired of saying I'm fine.
I bought a new bed almost two months ago and I've slept in it only a handful of times. It's so hard being alone in a bed after four years of falling asleep and waking up next to someone. So I just don't, I sleep on the floor under my desk because it reminds me of sleeping under my bed as a child when me parents would scream at each other, or I sleep on the couch because it doesn't feel like a bed.
Being forced out of my home when I've been taken every step possible to be a good roommate is driving me crazy-er. It's comforting knowing that even if I make the effort to change it doesn't make a difference. I'm fretting constantly over it. What if I can't get my own place? What if I do and I'm stuck here for the rest of my life? I'm so paranoid of being screwed on this buy out like I have been with everything else involving the guys here that I'm tempted to just say 'fuck you, sell it' and be done with it. I think I want to move to calgary, I don't know though. I sent in my mortgage pre-approval forms today, can't imagine anyone giving me a mortgage on sixty hours/two weeks at minimum wage since tips don't count.
I've been swinging back and forth so much with how I still feel about James. During the day I'm full of righteous spitfire. I tell myself he walked away from the best thing that will ever happen to him, that it wasn't my fault because I was willing to do anything to work it out, that I can do better. But when I get home it all shifts and I'm consumed with a desperate loneliness that no amount of drugs or liquor can keep at bay. I feel like I deserved what happened, that I'm a fucking mess that no boy will ever want to be with, that I'll amount to nothing, that I'm a useless failure that nobody wants around. And I miss him. I miss him so badly.
It's not helping that the guy I'm fucking right now blows me off constantly and only seems interested when we're both drunk and no one else is around. What's wrong with me? Am I not pretty anymore? Has he figured out how fucked up I am? Am I horrible in bed and only worth a go if he's drunk? If he doesn't want me why can't he just say so instead of stringing me along? I need to get out and meet more people, but I'm too depressed and too shy and anxious.
White Spot is punishing me. For failing to fill out a few day time checklists. It's not like I don't do the fucking work, I work my ass off in the bar, but just because I didn't fill in some fucking checklists that they throw out at the end of month I get my bar shifts taken away. It doesn't matter that I do the beer counts every shift, that I check off and actually do the side duties, that I'm one of highest grossing servers, or that I rock every promotion we've done. Why the fuck would that matter? I want to get another job, but any office/data entry/clerical position wants experience or a paper higher then a high school diploma and I've fucked up my arm so badly that there's a limited number of places where I can bartend or serve because every one wants to see flesh. That's my own fault though.
Feels like I'm loosing touch with everything and everyone. All my close friends are busy or gone or I'm having issues with. On one side of the coin it's frustrating and lonely, but when I'm feeling really down I'm all right with it because if I did decide to clock out having no one left would make it all the easier.
Been in a depression rut lately.... well the last three months really, but who's counting? I'm trying to be happy, I really am, but it's just not my natural state of being and life just keeps shitting right on top of me. Every time I manage to pick up a few pieces I end up dropping them and breaking them into even more pieces. I'm just replacing one bad habit with another. I haven't cut in weeks, but I've just replaced that with booze and drugs. For a few weeks there I didn't think about suicide every second of every day, but it's starting to seep back in. I want it, I want it so bad I ache for it. I'm sick of fighting for the tiniest victory, I'm sick of plastering on a smile, I'm sick and fucking tired of saying I'm fine.
I bought a new bed almost two months ago and I've slept in it only a handful of times. It's so hard being alone in a bed after four years of falling asleep and waking up next to someone. So I just don't, I sleep on the floor under my desk because it reminds me of sleeping under my bed as a child when me parents would scream at each other, or I sleep on the couch because it doesn't feel like a bed.
Being forced out of my home when I've been taken every step possible to be a good roommate is driving me crazy-er. It's comforting knowing that even if I make the effort to change it doesn't make a difference. I'm fretting constantly over it. What if I can't get my own place? What if I do and I'm stuck here for the rest of my life? I'm so paranoid of being screwed on this buy out like I have been with everything else involving the guys here that I'm tempted to just say 'fuck you, sell it' and be done with it. I think I want to move to calgary, I don't know though. I sent in my mortgage pre-approval forms today, can't imagine anyone giving me a mortgage on sixty hours/two weeks at minimum wage since tips don't count.
I've been swinging back and forth so much with how I still feel about James. During the day I'm full of righteous spitfire. I tell myself he walked away from the best thing that will ever happen to him, that it wasn't my fault because I was willing to do anything to work it out, that I can do better. But when I get home it all shifts and I'm consumed with a desperate loneliness that no amount of drugs or liquor can keep at bay. I feel like I deserved what happened, that I'm a fucking mess that no boy will ever want to be with, that I'll amount to nothing, that I'm a useless failure that nobody wants around. And I miss him. I miss him so badly.
It's not helping that the guy I'm fucking right now blows me off constantly and only seems interested when we're both drunk and no one else is around. What's wrong with me? Am I not pretty anymore? Has he figured out how fucked up I am? Am I horrible in bed and only worth a go if he's drunk? If he doesn't want me why can't he just say so instead of stringing me along? I need to get out and meet more people, but I'm too depressed and too shy and anxious.
White Spot is punishing me. For failing to fill out a few day time checklists. It's not like I don't do the fucking work, I work my ass off in the bar, but just because I didn't fill in some fucking checklists that they throw out at the end of month I get my bar shifts taken away. It doesn't matter that I do the beer counts every shift, that I check off and actually do the side duties, that I'm one of highest grossing servers, or that I rock every promotion we've done. Why the fuck would that matter? I want to get another job, but any office/data entry/clerical position wants experience or a paper higher then a high school diploma and I've fucked up my arm so badly that there's a limited number of places where I can bartend or serve because every one wants to see flesh. That's my own fault though.
Feels like I'm loosing touch with everything and everyone. All my close friends are busy or gone or I'm having issues with. On one side of the coin it's frustrating and lonely, but when I'm feeling really down I'm all right with it because if I did decide to clock out having no one left would make it all the easier.