Ut oh, revaluation time
You know something's wrong when you say one day that one girl could be the reason that you traveled halfway across the world to work. Well, what if I were to tell you I felt like traveling half way back because of another? Yep, thus seems to be the story of my life. I won't actually do this of course, but let me explain. I've got issues when it comes to relationships (see earlier journal entries). If it's not one thing, it's another thing. If it's not mobility, it's sanity. If it's not language, it's timing. It all boils down to these being MY problems.
I'll warn you, I've not had the greatest of nights tonight, so don't get too concerned when I start kicking myself when I'm already down.
I've got mobility issues. I don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life. I want to do a million and one things all at once. How the hell can I even think of getting into a relationship? Language... it may not be we're speaking different languages literally, but we just aren't on the same wavelength. I don't know how to talk to women. Period. Fuck, I don't know what they want and what they don't want. I do know that they sure don't want what I've been doing. Sanity... let's not go there. Timing, am I trying to do to much at too young of an age? I'm 22. I've got all the time in the world, yet I always feel like I'm pissing it away doing shit that won't matter in the future (not particularly just women, but everything). I don't know what I want to do next year. I don't know if I can piss away another year trying to learn a language and a culture that does not want to be learned. I don't know if I could apply for the "Junior Analyst" position back in the DC area and end up working/living there for the rest of my life. I don't know if I could commit to Foreign Services. Fuck, they probably wouldn't even hire me if I applied. Ugh, right now is not a good time to be thinking about these things, but because of my age, because of society, because it is life, I have to. I wanted to get the hell away from college, but man, deciding what I was going to major in was NOTHING compared with what I have to decide now that I've graduated. I have to choose my fucking job, girlfriend (if she can deal with me), location, friends, hobbies, life, you name it. I hate shopping. I hate choosing. I'm just really at a loss right now, and I can't step back and appreciate a good thing when it is looking me right in the face.
I guess that's it. I'm caught up in the fucking rat race. I have a fun job. I'm doing what I wanted to be doing last year. I'm enjoying life, but it's halfway through my contract here in China and I'm starting to panic. I'm starting to plan ahead too much. I'm starting to piss away all the time I could be enjoying because I'm worrying too much about the future. Ugh, as much as it's my philosophy to live for the moment, I do a fucking terrible job trying to do it.
Well, that's me. I can't put it more clearly than that. The thing that pisses me off is that in the process, I'm putting off the things that matter most to me in life, my friends and family. I guess that's just in my nature though. Even writing this, which is what makes writing interesting, we always talk about what could be better, how we can change and become better people, but life says that that doesn't happen.
So where will I be next? I don't even want to think about that now. I'd rather just sit here and try to enjoy the last hours of the day, go to sleep, and start tomorrow off new, not looking forward or back.
I'll warn you, I've not had the greatest of nights tonight, so don't get too concerned when I start kicking myself when I'm already down.
I've got mobility issues. I don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life. I want to do a million and one things all at once. How the hell can I even think of getting into a relationship? Language... it may not be we're speaking different languages literally, but we just aren't on the same wavelength. I don't know how to talk to women. Period. Fuck, I don't know what they want and what they don't want. I do know that they sure don't want what I've been doing. Sanity... let's not go there. Timing, am I trying to do to much at too young of an age? I'm 22. I've got all the time in the world, yet I always feel like I'm pissing it away doing shit that won't matter in the future (not particularly just women, but everything). I don't know what I want to do next year. I don't know if I can piss away another year trying to learn a language and a culture that does not want to be learned. I don't know if I could apply for the "Junior Analyst" position back in the DC area and end up working/living there for the rest of my life. I don't know if I could commit to Foreign Services. Fuck, they probably wouldn't even hire me if I applied. Ugh, right now is not a good time to be thinking about these things, but because of my age, because of society, because it is life, I have to. I wanted to get the hell away from college, but man, deciding what I was going to major in was NOTHING compared with what I have to decide now that I've graduated. I have to choose my fucking job, girlfriend (if she can deal with me), location, friends, hobbies, life, you name it. I hate shopping. I hate choosing. I'm just really at a loss right now, and I can't step back and appreciate a good thing when it is looking me right in the face.
I guess that's it. I'm caught up in the fucking rat race. I have a fun job. I'm doing what I wanted to be doing last year. I'm enjoying life, but it's halfway through my contract here in China and I'm starting to panic. I'm starting to plan ahead too much. I'm starting to piss away all the time I could be enjoying because I'm worrying too much about the future. Ugh, as much as it's my philosophy to live for the moment, I do a fucking terrible job trying to do it.
Well, that's me. I can't put it more clearly than that. The thing that pisses me off is that in the process, I'm putting off the things that matter most to me in life, my friends and family. I guess that's just in my nature though. Even writing this, which is what makes writing interesting, we always talk about what could be better, how we can change and become better people, but life says that that doesn't happen.
So where will I be next? I don't even want to think about that now. I'd rather just sit here and try to enjoy the last hours of the day, go to sleep, and start tomorrow off new, not looking forward or back.