Adolescent much?
I'm grasping the concept of wounded inner child at the wheel. Instead of original action from a centered base, it's always my frantic reacting. I can look back and cover my walls with examples of this behavior. With the habitual reacting brought to light then I concentrating on t SLOWING down and thinking whatever thru before making any motion.
So then suddenly I'm 16 again. I'm anxiety ridden. Remember that ansy "everyone is having a better life than me" feeling? Sitting home on restriction when my friends are at that party and so is that guy I'm hot for, but now I know one of my friend's is getting with him istead- On Monday the whole world will have turned 13 times and I'll be completely out of the loop. That miserable internal pacing that will in a couple years be pacified with a straw in my nose. I'm feeling oh so addictive and wanting escape. What happened to my ability to sit with myself and breathe inward? It's elusive. I have to focus with all my being. Random thoughts keep flooding in and carrying me away on infantile tangents.
My favorite fantasy right now is moving away. Walking out on my responsibilities, or obligations. Mostly involving work. Co-owning the barbershop with my mom is frustrating. I don't want to compromise or cover her shifts or sort through the lies she's told. I just want to drive off into the sunset. Start fresh and new somwhere else. Who cares I'll be poor again, I'm good at that. Just craving newness. Being anonymous-stigma free. I slip in and out of that pretend, trying hard to be here now, living with intention. I can start taking steps in the direction of relocating, but there's a hell of alot of road in between here and there! (It's the same old running away from my problems. but wherever I go, oops there I am.)
For now, the present goal is rational thoughful action. No buying wine for dinner, cuz I'll open it the second I walk in the door and be drunk before noon-thirty. Remembering marajuana is a sacrament not a crutch, put the pipe away. No running, pounding the shit out of my body on the pavement. I need gentle, just be gentle to myself.
So then suddenly I'm 16 again. I'm anxiety ridden. Remember that ansy "everyone is having a better life than me" feeling? Sitting home on restriction when my friends are at that party and so is that guy I'm hot for, but now I know one of my friend's is getting with him istead- On Monday the whole world will have turned 13 times and I'll be completely out of the loop. That miserable internal pacing that will in a couple years be pacified with a straw in my nose. I'm feeling oh so addictive and wanting escape. What happened to my ability to sit with myself and breathe inward? It's elusive. I have to focus with all my being. Random thoughts keep flooding in and carrying me away on infantile tangents.
My favorite fantasy right now is moving away. Walking out on my responsibilities, or obligations. Mostly involving work. Co-owning the barbershop with my mom is frustrating. I don't want to compromise or cover her shifts or sort through the lies she's told. I just want to drive off into the sunset. Start fresh and new somwhere else. Who cares I'll be poor again, I'm good at that. Just craving newness. Being anonymous-stigma free. I slip in and out of that pretend, trying hard to be here now, living with intention. I can start taking steps in the direction of relocating, but there's a hell of alot of road in between here and there! (It's the same old running away from my problems. but wherever I go, oops there I am.)
For now, the present goal is rational thoughful action. No buying wine for dinner, cuz I'll open it the second I walk in the door and be drunk before noon-thirty. Remembering marajuana is a sacrament not a crutch, put the pipe away. No running, pounding the shit out of my body on the pavement. I need gentle, just be gentle to myself.