sunbeam out of darkness

[estelle]

Someday I was going to go visit you. When I had saved up enough money for the flights. When I had learned at least one of the languages well enough for basic communication. When you called me at least sometimes. When the conflict had died down and it was safer. Someday. Someday.

I thought we had time.

As soon as I heard you were gone I wanted to see you desperately. I didn't consider my pride anymore, or my finances, or my safety.

The other feeling was one of fragility. If you could die so suddenly, so could I. So could anybody else.
I had so little time left. Only one lifetime, maximum.

Waiting in line to save a few bucks? Waste of time. Driving somewhere to drop something off instead of popping it in the mail. Hard no. Wallowing over which of these two almost identical products to buy? It does not matter. Move, move, move! You are wasting time on unimportant stuff!

Only the most profound.
Experiences that deeply move me.
Precious people. Friends and family. Especially those who had the patience and kindness to tolerate my wailing, broken self.

Everything else can go.

And that insight may be the most important thing you gave me. Even though you never gave me much at all when you were still alive.

Thank you.

Thank you.