Happy 2022!
Happy New Year!
This is a message that has been very long in the making. Stuff happened and I felt I could not talk or write about it. But it also seemed impossible to write about my life with a monumental piece of the puzzle missing. I decided to just get on with it, I can always fill in the blanks later if it gets confusing and I need to explain stuff. And then after I decided it took even longer to actually write... writing and re-writing posts in my head. I do that a lot, also with emails to people. And then it's a year later, I never replied and it has become too awkward to do so. The friends I still have are saints for putting up with me.
What's new with you and what are your plans for this upcoming year?
I want to complete the computer programming courses I am currently enrolled in, want to get my first internship, and my first job in the field. This is only one sentence but I am really very overwhelmed with it all.
My sleep schedule is all messed up since we broke for the winter holidays. I gradually slipped into a pattern where I went to bed later and later until finally I went to bed at 3:00 or 4:00 and woke up at noon or 13:00. Then a couple of days ago, I think I had a nap in the afternoon and everything got switched again. Now I go to bed at about midnight, wake up at 3 and cannot fall back asleep. Then I am awake until noon, sleep a couple hours more and then am awake from 16:00 until midnight. Sigh. I have been wondering if I should just leave it like that but that is not going to fly once school starts up again. Plus, it is surprisingly hard to get up and just start your work at 3:00 even though you're technically awake. If I could stay awake until 19:00, then go to bed and get 8 full hours sleep. I haven't been able to pull off the 8 hours asleep in one go, 16 hours awake without naps schedule for years now. Not sleeping early, not sleeping late, not sleeping during the day. Instead it's a few hours awake, a few hours asleep. It is seriously messing with my life. Especially if I have to be/work away from home. I am just too fucking tired to function.
I am not seeing a lot of people outside of Zoom classes since the pandemic started. Most of my social life died. Religious events, choir practice, sports... But I am not complaining. All things considered, the pandemic is the best thing that happened in years, because of how it got the JobCentre off my back, coupled with free classes via Zoom. Fingers crossed, it'll all lead to a better life at the end.
I am planning to take part in the LJ idol writing contest so hopefully I'll update this journal more. Though I cannot say how much time I will really be able to commit to it. I tried to take some religious classes (kollel) earlier this year and I only made it to a third of the classes or so. And I cannot even say it is due to me working so much for school. Rather it is due to my mental struggles. I make it to classes but then I also have to practice on my own, and it's just so much. I often manage the classes because I have an appointment with other people, but I procrastinate on the unscheduled work until it is too late. I have no idea how to get better at this. I feel like I tried everything. Every organisational self-management system. Something is wrong with me.
One thing I was repeatedly grateful for is the mild weather. I am still holed up at home a lot but every time I go outside I am glad there is no ice on the street. Hooray, global warming?
This is a message that has been very long in the making. Stuff happened and I felt I could not talk or write about it. But it also seemed impossible to write about my life with a monumental piece of the puzzle missing. I decided to just get on with it, I can always fill in the blanks later if it gets confusing and I need to explain stuff. And then after I decided it took even longer to actually write... writing and re-writing posts in my head. I do that a lot, also with emails to people. And then it's a year later, I never replied and it has become too awkward to do so. The friends I still have are saints for putting up with me.
What's new with you and what are your plans for this upcoming year?
I want to complete the computer programming courses I am currently enrolled in, want to get my first internship, and my first job in the field. This is only one sentence but I am really very overwhelmed with it all.
My sleep schedule is all messed up since we broke for the winter holidays. I gradually slipped into a pattern where I went to bed later and later until finally I went to bed at 3:00 or 4:00 and woke up at noon or 13:00. Then a couple of days ago, I think I had a nap in the afternoon and everything got switched again. Now I go to bed at about midnight, wake up at 3 and cannot fall back asleep. Then I am awake until noon, sleep a couple hours more and then am awake from 16:00 until midnight. Sigh. I have been wondering if I should just leave it like that but that is not going to fly once school starts up again. Plus, it is surprisingly hard to get up and just start your work at 3:00 even though you're technically awake. If I could stay awake until 19:00, then go to bed and get 8 full hours sleep. I haven't been able to pull off the 8 hours asleep in one go, 16 hours awake without naps schedule for years now. Not sleeping early, not sleeping late, not sleeping during the day. Instead it's a few hours awake, a few hours asleep. It is seriously messing with my life. Especially if I have to be/work away from home. I am just too fucking tired to function.
I am not seeing a lot of people outside of Zoom classes since the pandemic started. Most of my social life died. Religious events, choir practice, sports... But I am not complaining. All things considered, the pandemic is the best thing that happened in years, because of how it got the JobCentre off my back, coupled with free classes via Zoom. Fingers crossed, it'll all lead to a better life at the end.
I am planning to take part in the LJ idol writing contest so hopefully I'll update this journal more. Though I cannot say how much time I will really be able to commit to it. I tried to take some religious classes (kollel) earlier this year and I only made it to a third of the classes or so. And I cannot even say it is due to me working so much for school. Rather it is due to my mental struggles. I make it to classes but then I also have to practice on my own, and it's just so much. I often manage the classes because I have an appointment with other people, but I procrastinate on the unscheduled work until it is too late. I have no idea how to get better at this. I feel like I tried everything. Every organisational self-management system. Something is wrong with me.
One thing I was repeatedly grateful for is the mild weather. I am still holed up at home a lot but every time I go outside I am glad there is no ice on the street. Hooray, global warming?