That one friend.
The best friend I had was another girl my age. Looking back at it now, that was probably the main reason she was my friend in the first place: She was another girl my age and her family lived across the street from us. The friendship ended when her brother recited a racial rhyme while the entire group of kids, my best friend among them, stood by and laughed about me. I turned around, I cried on my way home, and I never spoke to her again.
I did not have a single friend after that but I stood my ground. I was five.
We moved from tiny village to tiny town and in second grade I found a new best friend. When another girl in class used me as a cover to steal and then told everyone I had been stealing she was the only one who thought to ask me what had actually happened. I was so grateful for that. Someone giving me a chance when nobody else would. We were best friends ever after and I adored her.
The end.
I lied. That's far from the end. I would love to have one friend to share my entire life with. It is such a romantic idea to have one friend for life. That one friend you can always go to, who you trust implicitly and you know you'll always have each other. And one day when you're old you'll have each other's kids and grandchildren over and share childhood memories. That's not what happened or will ever happen.
We were best friends until she received a recommendation for a different school than me and then I moved away again the following year. We sent each other letters and would see each a couple of times. We did eventually move back to the tiny town but by then she was firmly in a new friends group at her new school and a teenager while I was still a kid. I was excited when she and her friends came to a school dance at my school. I wanted to comfort her when her boyfriend kissed another girl while she was dancing with him (I know, right?) but she told me to leave her alone. Our friendship was over.
We moved a couple more times and I made new friends and lost old ones. Like the girl who immediately attached herself to me at a new school and then suddenly dropped me for another girl without explanation. Her best friend before me came up to me: "You see? That's what she did to me when you arrived."
But the only person that's always been there? Myself. I am a good friend to other people but a shoddy friend to myself. I tell myself I am worthless and call myself names. I ruthlessly body shame myself and abuse myself in a way I never would another person.
My therapist once told me: "Be kinder to yourself! A lot kinder."
And she is right. Because I am the only friend I have for life. The only one I absolutely, with 100% certainty won't lose. Hell, I couldn't get rid of myself if I tried.
So yes, be kind to yourself. Be a good friend... to others, but also to yourself. Laugh at your mistakes and then forgive yourself and move on. Share your own company on a saturday night when no other friend is free (or even when they are) and enjoy it. You're good company. You're a great friend. You are the friend.
I did not have a single friend after that but I stood my ground. I was five.
We moved from tiny village to tiny town and in second grade I found a new best friend. When another girl in class used me as a cover to steal and then told everyone I had been stealing she was the only one who thought to ask me what had actually happened. I was so grateful for that. Someone giving me a chance when nobody else would. We were best friends ever after and I adored her.
The end.
I lied. That's far from the end. I would love to have one friend to share my entire life with. It is such a romantic idea to have one friend for life. That one friend you can always go to, who you trust implicitly and you know you'll always have each other. And one day when you're old you'll have each other's kids and grandchildren over and share childhood memories. That's not what happened or will ever happen.
We were best friends until she received a recommendation for a different school than me and then I moved away again the following year. We sent each other letters and would see each a couple of times. We did eventually move back to the tiny town but by then she was firmly in a new friends group at her new school and a teenager while I was still a kid. I was excited when she and her friends came to a school dance at my school. I wanted to comfort her when her boyfriend kissed another girl while she was dancing with him (I know, right?) but she told me to leave her alone. Our friendship was over.
We moved a couple more times and I made new friends and lost old ones. Like the girl who immediately attached herself to me at a new school and then suddenly dropped me for another girl without explanation. Her best friend before me came up to me: "You see? That's what she did to me when you arrived."
But the only person that's always been there? Myself. I am a good friend to other people but a shoddy friend to myself. I tell myself I am worthless and call myself names. I ruthlessly body shame myself and abuse myself in a way I never would another person.
My therapist once told me: "Be kinder to yourself! A lot kinder."
And she is right. Because I am the only friend I have for life. The only one I absolutely, with 100% certainty won't lose. Hell, I couldn't get rid of myself if I tried.
So yes, be kind to yourself. Be a good friend... to others, but also to yourself. Laugh at your mistakes and then forgive yourself and move on. Share your own company on a saturday night when no other friend is free (or even when they are) and enjoy it. You're good company. You're a great friend. You are the friend.