Um.
I have this, this strange ability to, to disassociate myself from something disturbing. Take panel 3 here, for example. That greatly disturbed many fans on the EGS forum, but I was like "so what?", which some fans claimed they found scary: I was somehow not disturbed by this thing.
And, and I was looking at this Deviation, and I was like "okay that's pretty" but I looked at the comments and people were saying things like "that's so scary" and "that's beautiful!" but I just didn't see it.
It's. Kind of worrying? Because it's like I'm distancing myself from the world. Which probably is bad from an emotional-health-and-stability standpoint.
At the same time, those who know me know that I can become very attached, very observant; and that there are things into which I plunge my whole self, sometimes; and that there are things which disturb me greatly.
But on the original hand, I have great difficulty summoning up emotions that I'm not actually feeling, particularly intense ones (which leads me to question my acting skillz more than I already was).
Then again, when I do feel, I often feel intensely.
It's really a puzzle, and I sort of wish I could figure it out? Cause that might help me not do things like discover a cool band, listen to them nonstop for two weeks, then never deliberately listen to them again. It bothers me a great deal to think that I could simply drop something I cared so much about; it bothers me to realise that my transition from hopelessly-in-love-with-Michael to given-up-on-Michael (if that is indeed what's happened) was fairly quick and painless; it's slightly comforting to realise that I still like Griffin more than I think he wants me too. :P
Mostly where the issue of dropping things is a problem is because I fear losing the friendship of those I love because of my apathy; and because I fear losing interest in Ring, the thing that is a major driving force in my life right now and the focus of nearly all my ambition.
I picture myself still in Ring years from now, after college, and it seems like maybe yeah that could happen; then I remember having similar daydreams about other things, things that fell through, that I lost interest in. Next I recall that I wasn't as committed to those things as I am to Ring, or that I kept flaking out. Then I remember that I went to Keith Hafner's "Karate" for a year and a half before going started to seem like a chore, and I've been at Ring a year and a month. Then again I remember not having any actual friends at KHK (I still know one guy from there, though; Gary, at Commie), and I remember that I didn't really know any of the teachers at all: Ring affords a sharp contrast, being much much more informal, with downtime to socialise during "class", and with teachers who socialise with students. Basically it's a stickier and trappier place than any other group I've belonged to. Ever.
But there's a pervasive persuasive invasive fear sometimes, when I'm not at Ring, that I'll magically lose interest one week or another, and then my life plans would be horribly messed up.
This isn't helped by the fact that sometimes when I make some uncertain, new feeling public, it quickly dies. Often, actually, I think.
And, and I was looking at this Deviation, and I was like "okay that's pretty" but I looked at the comments and people were saying things like "that's so scary" and "that's beautiful!" but I just didn't see it.
It's. Kind of worrying? Because it's like I'm distancing myself from the world. Which probably is bad from an emotional-health-and-stability standpoint.
At the same time, those who know me know that I can become very attached, very observant; and that there are things into which I plunge my whole self, sometimes; and that there are things which disturb me greatly.
But on the original hand, I have great difficulty summoning up emotions that I'm not actually feeling, particularly intense ones (which leads me to question my acting skillz more than I already was).
Then again, when I do feel, I often feel intensely.
It's really a puzzle, and I sort of wish I could figure it out? Cause that might help me not do things like discover a cool band, listen to them nonstop for two weeks, then never deliberately listen to them again. It bothers me a great deal to think that I could simply drop something I cared so much about; it bothers me to realise that my transition from hopelessly-in-love-with-Michael to given-up-on-Michael (if that is indeed what's happened) was fairly quick and painless; it's slightly comforting to realise that I still like Griffin more than I think he wants me too. :P
Mostly where the issue of dropping things is a problem is because I fear losing the friendship of those I love because of my apathy; and because I fear losing interest in Ring, the thing that is a major driving force in my life right now and the focus of nearly all my ambition.
I picture myself still in Ring years from now, after college, and it seems like maybe yeah that could happen; then I remember having similar daydreams about other things, things that fell through, that I lost interest in. Next I recall that I wasn't as committed to those things as I am to Ring, or that I kept flaking out. Then I remember that I went to Keith Hafner's "Karate" for a year and a half before going started to seem like a chore, and I've been at Ring a year and a month. Then again I remember not having any actual friends at KHK (I still know one guy from there, though; Gary, at Commie), and I remember that I didn't really know any of the teachers at all: Ring affords a sharp contrast, being much much more informal, with downtime to socialise during "class", and with teachers who socialise with students. Basically it's a stickier and trappier place than any other group I've belonged to. Ever.
But there's a pervasive persuasive invasive fear sometimes, when I'm not at Ring, that I'll magically lose interest one week or another, and then my life plans would be horribly messed up.
This isn't helped by the fact that sometimes when I make some uncertain, new feeling public, it quickly dies. Often, actually, I think.