Percy Jackson and The Olympians
So, today my curiosity got the better of me and I saw this movie:
A long list of things popped into my head that I wanted to complain about, though I guess it's more a comment of how modern civilization has adopted Greek mythology.
First off, I know nothing about the books this movie is based off. I also haven't done any recent research on Greek mythology, so I apologize for any errors made in my haste.
1. British ≠ Greek
I just hate how every movie casts British people, or gives people British accents whenever representing anything ancient and/or European. It's just... aggravating.
2. The Empire State Building
I was gonna let it slide that there is for some reason a door to Olympus on the Empire State Building, just like I forgave Doctor Who for saying the Daleks helped build it, but there were a couple of things that grated my nerves about this. First off, why does Percy's mom know where the door is and how to unlock it? She can't enter Olympus, so why would she ever need to have this knowledge? Second, it leads to a sort of parallel universe, and my understanding of Olympus was that it was on Mount Olympus. There is a physical place in out natural world where these gods supposedly kicked it old school, so why are they in the Netherworld here?
3. Everything About Percy's Upbringing
All right, so we are led to believe that Percy's mom married Scummy McDouchbag to hide Percy's smell... or whatever... in order to keep him safe from things attacking him. We are also led to believe that there is a magical camp where only gods, demi-gods and mythical creatures can go... but no evil creatures? First off, Percy's mom's plan fails horribly, as Scummy McDouchebag is apparently not nearly smelly enough, and he does get found out. So, that was a waste of time. Why didn't she send him off to Camp Plot Convinience? Clearly it was a safer place, except from Hades... which is never explained... and clearly she isn't capable of raising him in any way shape or form, so why doesn't she fall in line like all the other mortal parents and ship him off???
4. Gods Are Not Allowed to Have Contact With Their Children
... wait... what-
5. There Are A Bajillion Demi-Gods
No, just no. I know the gods like getting jiggy with it, but they aren't popping out a hundred kids a decade. They have better shit to do!
6. All the Demi-Gods Are the Same Age
No, I'm letting this one go. I'm just gonna assume there is more than one Camp Ship-your-immaculately-conceived-children-here.
7. Hercules v. Herakles/Heracles
Ugh, everyone does this, so it's getting to the point where it's meaningless to correct, so let's just spell it out: Hercules was the Roman name, Herakles was the Greek name. Are we good?
8. James Bond's Horse Bits
I'm cool with a satyr and a centaur watching over Baby Poseidon, and I though the Satyr covering his physical differences with the crutches was kind of clever... but then it gets completely undermined by Pierce Brosnan being a centaur who can... what? Chop his horse part off? No seriously, how does he do that? How does he hide the fact that he's a centaur? Does his wheel chair have Time Lord technology? How come he can hide his legs but Grover - YOU NAMED A SATYR GROVER!?! - has crutches? Also... how come Grover has no balls?
9. "Every Time a Bell Rings an Angel Get It's Wings."
The satyr horn thing was stupid... just stupid...
10. Hades ≠ Satan
We just love mixing Christian belief systems into Greek mythology, don't we? Here's what they got right: Poseidon, Zeus and Hades are brothers. Here's what they got wrong: everything else."The big three" - as they are lovingly referred to in the film - are lords of their own realm. Zeus got the sky, Poseidon the ocean and Hades the underworld. Hades as it refers to the underworld is not hell. All dead people go to the same fucking place. But no, for some reason here Hades is Satan, Zeus is god and Poseidon is Kevin McKid. Why does everyone want to piss me off!?!
11. Percy Jackson
Okay, this is just a complaint about the actor, but I don't care enough to look up his name. This kid cannot act. "Hey Percy, you're mom's dead." "Sucks to be her!" "Hey Percy, you're mom's not dead, just a hostage." "Nooo!!! My mother!!!" Ugh, he just had no emotions. I care not for him.
12. The Enemies
Hey kids, name all the Greek mythological creatures you can. Okay, I got minotaur, hydra and medusa. Into the story we go! They were forgivable, except for Medusa. She's dead you idiots... AND YOU HAD HE STARE AT HER OWN REFLECTION AND SHE DIDN'T TURN TO STONE! YOU STUPID FUCKING-
13. Hades <3 Persephone
Here's what I remember of their story. Hades was a little lovesick and a tiny bit more obsessed than is generally considered healthy, and takes Persephone down to the underworld. Her mother Demeter gets a little peeved and makes Zeus convince Hades to give her back. Zeus, not wanting to be a cock-block, says she has to stay in Hades for six months of the year because she ate six seeds (Krista says Hades tricked her into eating these, but I recall it being someone else offering her seeds and that compromise being something Zeus came up with). So, not the healthiest relationship in the world, but she's not quite the caged and horny animal we see in the film... Also, this clearly takes place in the spring, so WTF is she doing in Hades at that time anyway?
14. Gods Are Not Allowed to Have Contact With Their Children
Okay, no seriously: what? The explanation finally given is that they can't see their children because it distracts them from their duties and for some reason Zeus actually has the authority to make Poseidon do this. I CALL BULLSHIT! First off, Zeus is probably the worst offender of unprotected sex on Mount Olympus, and I don't see him making up a rule that will probably hurt him the most. Second, them having kids has never driven them off course before, why would it now? How about all the mortals out there with children? Should we impeach leaders of our nations because they have children which might distract them? Fuck off... Third, it seems these Gods all have about a kid every other month, so I doubt they'd be so concerned with their well-being that Zeus would actually need to create a rule to keep them from even speaking. Fourth, contact with said children would have prevented all the shit from going down.
15. The Movie Doesn't Suck
The special effects are great, the action ain't half-bad, the comic relief wasn't over the top and annoying... but my god this movie could have been so much better. It's mediocracy pisses me off more than any other aspect of it.
... I think I'm done. That is all.
-LS
A long list of things popped into my head that I wanted to complain about, though I guess it's more a comment of how modern civilization has adopted Greek mythology.
First off, I know nothing about the books this movie is based off. I also haven't done any recent research on Greek mythology, so I apologize for any errors made in my haste.
1. British ≠ Greek
I just hate how every movie casts British people, or gives people British accents whenever representing anything ancient and/or European. It's just... aggravating.
2. The Empire State Building
I was gonna let it slide that there is for some reason a door to Olympus on the Empire State Building, just like I forgave Doctor Who for saying the Daleks helped build it, but there were a couple of things that grated my nerves about this. First off, why does Percy's mom know where the door is and how to unlock it? She can't enter Olympus, so why would she ever need to have this knowledge? Second, it leads to a sort of parallel universe, and my understanding of Olympus was that it was on Mount Olympus. There is a physical place in out natural world where these gods supposedly kicked it old school, so why are they in the Netherworld here?
3. Everything About Percy's Upbringing
All right, so we are led to believe that Percy's mom married Scummy McDouchbag to hide Percy's smell... or whatever... in order to keep him safe from things attacking him. We are also led to believe that there is a magical camp where only gods, demi-gods and mythical creatures can go... but no evil creatures? First off, Percy's mom's plan fails horribly, as Scummy McDouchebag is apparently not nearly smelly enough, and he does get found out. So, that was a waste of time. Why didn't she send him off to Camp Plot Convinience? Clearly it was a safer place, except from Hades... which is never explained... and clearly she isn't capable of raising him in any way shape or form, so why doesn't she fall in line like all the other mortal parents and ship him off???
4. Gods Are Not Allowed to Have Contact With Their Children
... wait... what-
5. There Are A Bajillion Demi-Gods
No, just no. I know the gods like getting jiggy with it, but they aren't popping out a hundred kids a decade. They have better shit to do!
6. All the Demi-Gods Are the Same Age
No, I'm letting this one go. I'm just gonna assume there is more than one Camp Ship-your-immaculately-conceived-children-here.
7. Hercules v. Herakles/Heracles
Ugh, everyone does this, so it's getting to the point where it's meaningless to correct, so let's just spell it out: Hercules was the Roman name, Herakles was the Greek name. Are we good?
8. James Bond's Horse Bits
I'm cool with a satyr and a centaur watching over Baby Poseidon, and I though the Satyr covering his physical differences with the crutches was kind of clever... but then it gets completely undermined by Pierce Brosnan being a centaur who can... what? Chop his horse part off? No seriously, how does he do that? How does he hide the fact that he's a centaur? Does his wheel chair have Time Lord technology? How come he can hide his legs but Grover - YOU NAMED A SATYR GROVER!?! - has crutches? Also... how come Grover has no balls?
9. "Every Time a Bell Rings an Angel Get It's Wings."
The satyr horn thing was stupid... just stupid...
10. Hades ≠ Satan
We just love mixing Christian belief systems into Greek mythology, don't we? Here's what they got right: Poseidon, Zeus and Hades are brothers. Here's what they got wrong: everything else."The big three" - as they are lovingly referred to in the film - are lords of their own realm. Zeus got the sky, Poseidon the ocean and Hades the underworld. Hades as it refers to the underworld is not hell. All dead people go to the same fucking place. But no, for some reason here Hades is Satan, Zeus is god and Poseidon is Kevin McKid. Why does everyone want to piss me off!?!
11. Percy Jackson
Okay, this is just a complaint about the actor, but I don't care enough to look up his name. This kid cannot act. "Hey Percy, you're mom's dead." "Sucks to be her!" "Hey Percy, you're mom's not dead, just a hostage." "Nooo!!! My mother!!!" Ugh, he just had no emotions. I care not for him.
12. The Enemies
Hey kids, name all the Greek mythological creatures you can. Okay, I got minotaur, hydra and medusa. Into the story we go! They were forgivable, except for Medusa. She's dead you idiots... AND YOU HAD HE STARE AT HER OWN REFLECTION AND SHE DIDN'T TURN TO STONE! YOU STUPID FUCKING-
13. Hades <3 Persephone
Here's what I remember of their story. Hades was a little lovesick and a tiny bit more obsessed than is generally considered healthy, and takes Persephone down to the underworld. Her mother Demeter gets a little peeved and makes Zeus convince Hades to give her back. Zeus, not wanting to be a cock-block, says she has to stay in Hades for six months of the year because she ate six seeds (Krista says Hades tricked her into eating these, but I recall it being someone else offering her seeds and that compromise being something Zeus came up with). So, not the healthiest relationship in the world, but she's not quite the caged and horny animal we see in the film... Also, this clearly takes place in the spring, so WTF is she doing in Hades at that time anyway?
14. Gods Are Not Allowed to Have Contact With Their Children
Okay, no seriously: what? The explanation finally given is that they can't see their children because it distracts them from their duties and for some reason Zeus actually has the authority to make Poseidon do this. I CALL BULLSHIT! First off, Zeus is probably the worst offender of unprotected sex on Mount Olympus, and I don't see him making up a rule that will probably hurt him the most. Second, them having kids has never driven them off course before, why would it now? How about all the mortals out there with children? Should we impeach leaders of our nations because they have children which might distract them? Fuck off... Third, it seems these Gods all have about a kid every other month, so I doubt they'd be so concerned with their well-being that Zeus would actually need to create a rule to keep them from even speaking. Fourth, contact with said children would have prevented all the shit from going down.
15. The Movie Doesn't Suck
The special effects are great, the action ain't half-bad, the comic relief wasn't over the top and annoying... but my god this movie could have been so much better. It's mediocracy pisses me off more than any other aspect of it.
... I think I'm done. That is all.
-LS