Caution:Contains venting, confusion and randomness
I haven't used my journal to vent about anything in a while. I have tried to keep things bottled up in hopes that I won't think about them and then hopefully the problems will just go away. Not happening.
I don't want to sound like a boy crazy girl who can't live or be happy without a guy cuz that is so not the case. I have been single for almost a year now and I have been very happy. I have had a few "flings" but thats probably what has led me to the problem I have now. I can't seem to find a guy thats for real about anything! It's been the same thing practically with every one. They come on strong...all persuasive. Get me all interested cuz they seem so interested in me and then its like when they realize they got me they all of a sudden got all these damn issues. Everything from having a girlfriend or 2 to a disappearing act! I don't get what I do to attract them or what it is that attracts me to them? I was really getting use to it and just moving on but for some reason after this last one I have decided I am so fed up and I need to make some sort of change.
I could go into every situation and prove that they all have turned to shit under no control of mine but I will save everyone from that! Point is everyone of them was sweet and charming and then turned to assholes almost on key, as soon as things seemed to be going good. I say the last one really put me over the edge because I feel I took a huge chance on this. Any of you reading this probably know the Mike situation. Well to sum up how that ended. He up and left for 3 weeks and never told me about it. I finally talked to him tonight and he gave me all this round about stuff about how his life was in a downward spiral and he needed to change alot of things and cut out alot of people in his life. Well apperently I was one of them and I wasnt given the chance to find out, hear an explanation or to understand. He made it real easy to forget about him when he left for 3 weeks leaving me no way to reach him but as soon as I got his new number I HAD to put an end to things and find out what I Think I deserved to know. For once it wasnt me that was rushing into things with this one. He pursuaded me, took a huge risk, and showed a hundred times more interest in me then any of the other guys I haven recently dealt with. All the signs pointed to no with Mike tho because of other issues but I said f*ck it and gave it a chance because I felt I needed to try something new. For those few weeks I was so happy and really felt he was into me. He said and did so many things to make me believe it, I wasnt just trying to convince myself of this. Well now I will never see him again, which is just as well because I knew we wouldnt probably go any farther but its just that how can I trust anyones feelings? I mean so many times in my life I have heard how special I am to someone, how important I am, how they could never see their life without me and would never do anything to hurt me and in every situation I have been hurt. Now this isnt a time to feel sorry for Stephenie cuz I know many other people who have been through the same thing and probably worse but it just really drives my point home...how can I trust anyones feelings? Well I do no matter what. I am too trusting of a person and that is my biggest flaw. I want so badly for someone to feel for me what I have for so many other people.
I really believe that every person comes into your life to teach you something or to serve some purpose. I believe all these people I have dealt with have helped me learn something. Maybe its to not trust people so much, maybe its to not fall for someone so quickly and maybe its all just to make a stronger person. I really feel I have grown over the past 4 years. From my first real heart wrenching break up I have grown so much. But it still doesnt make this any easier. I am not even that sad about the Mike thing. I mean sure it sucks getting told that like what we had shouldnt have really happened and getting thrown to the way side but its just the whole concept of it all I guess.
Like any other human I long for someone to be completely genuinly honestly into me. And I think that I just jump at the first opprotunity and thats where I get into my problems. I need to learn to wait things out and not make myself so out there. But its been so long and I even feel that most of the relationships I was in the other person wasnt even 100% there. It doesnt really help either that everyone around me is either in a long term relationship or engaged. Yes I am happy for them and its just my time cuz all through high school I was in a relationship and its just my time to learn about myself and stuff. It just makes it frustrating, you are like why is it so easy for some people and so hard for others?
I know everyones comment to all this is just to wait and it will all work out. Yes this I know I know this won't last forever but I just don't like having no control over any of this. If it was something I was doing wrong I could fix it but I see it its someone else's issues or problems and I hate not having a conclusion and too many of my sitiuations there was none. I am not a depressing person at all, I dont let things get me down. Sure tonight I am down about all this but tomorrow or the next day I will have put it to the back of my mind until the next time a situation arises. I wouldnt mind a ray of hope tho. Something to show me there are good genuine people out there that know how to respect another person and their feelings.
Ahh all this babbling has only made me more confused??? Maybe someone out there has THE answer. Maybe not....I guess its time to put my trust else where, not in someone but something rather.
I don't want to sound like a boy crazy girl who can't live or be happy without a guy cuz that is so not the case. I have been single for almost a year now and I have been very happy. I have had a few "flings" but thats probably what has led me to the problem I have now. I can't seem to find a guy thats for real about anything! It's been the same thing practically with every one. They come on strong...all persuasive. Get me all interested cuz they seem so interested in me and then its like when they realize they got me they all of a sudden got all these damn issues. Everything from having a girlfriend or 2 to a disappearing act! I don't get what I do to attract them or what it is that attracts me to them? I was really getting use to it and just moving on but for some reason after this last one I have decided I am so fed up and I need to make some sort of change.
I could go into every situation and prove that they all have turned to shit under no control of mine but I will save everyone from that! Point is everyone of them was sweet and charming and then turned to assholes almost on key, as soon as things seemed to be going good. I say the last one really put me over the edge because I feel I took a huge chance on this. Any of you reading this probably know the Mike situation. Well to sum up how that ended. He up and left for 3 weeks and never told me about it. I finally talked to him tonight and he gave me all this round about stuff about how his life was in a downward spiral and he needed to change alot of things and cut out alot of people in his life. Well apperently I was one of them and I wasnt given the chance to find out, hear an explanation or to understand. He made it real easy to forget about him when he left for 3 weeks leaving me no way to reach him but as soon as I got his new number I HAD to put an end to things and find out what I Think I deserved to know. For once it wasnt me that was rushing into things with this one. He pursuaded me, took a huge risk, and showed a hundred times more interest in me then any of the other guys I haven recently dealt with. All the signs pointed to no with Mike tho because of other issues but I said f*ck it and gave it a chance because I felt I needed to try something new. For those few weeks I was so happy and really felt he was into me. He said and did so many things to make me believe it, I wasnt just trying to convince myself of this. Well now I will never see him again, which is just as well because I knew we wouldnt probably go any farther but its just that how can I trust anyones feelings? I mean so many times in my life I have heard how special I am to someone, how important I am, how they could never see their life without me and would never do anything to hurt me and in every situation I have been hurt. Now this isnt a time to feel sorry for Stephenie cuz I know many other people who have been through the same thing and probably worse but it just really drives my point home...how can I trust anyones feelings? Well I do no matter what. I am too trusting of a person and that is my biggest flaw. I want so badly for someone to feel for me what I have for so many other people.
I really believe that every person comes into your life to teach you something or to serve some purpose. I believe all these people I have dealt with have helped me learn something. Maybe its to not trust people so much, maybe its to not fall for someone so quickly and maybe its all just to make a stronger person. I really feel I have grown over the past 4 years. From my first real heart wrenching break up I have grown so much. But it still doesnt make this any easier. I am not even that sad about the Mike thing. I mean sure it sucks getting told that like what we had shouldnt have really happened and getting thrown to the way side but its just the whole concept of it all I guess.
Like any other human I long for someone to be completely genuinly honestly into me. And I think that I just jump at the first opprotunity and thats where I get into my problems. I need to learn to wait things out and not make myself so out there. But its been so long and I even feel that most of the relationships I was in the other person wasnt even 100% there. It doesnt really help either that everyone around me is either in a long term relationship or engaged. Yes I am happy for them and its just my time cuz all through high school I was in a relationship and its just my time to learn about myself and stuff. It just makes it frustrating, you are like why is it so easy for some people and so hard for others?
I know everyones comment to all this is just to wait and it will all work out. Yes this I know I know this won't last forever but I just don't like having no control over any of this. If it was something I was doing wrong I could fix it but I see it its someone else's issues or problems and I hate not having a conclusion and too many of my sitiuations there was none. I am not a depressing person at all, I dont let things get me down. Sure tonight I am down about all this but tomorrow or the next day I will have put it to the back of my mind until the next time a situation arises. I wouldnt mind a ray of hope tho. Something to show me there are good genuine people out there that know how to respect another person and their feelings.
Ahh all this babbling has only made me more confused??? Maybe someone out there has THE answer. Maybe not....I guess its time to put my trust else where, not in someone but something rather.