(no subject)
I think I'm going to postpone going out to get the card, etc. I've taken a calcium/magnesium capsule, thanks to my sis being a nutritionist (haha, i know right?) apparently those help with muscle tension or something, I've forgotten already, but they are also supposed be good for headaches.
So ...i took it a bit ago, i think it's working. She also said that dinner is not until Saturday, and that my mother & her partner are going to melbourne to see 'avatar' at the imax, or something tomorrow, so I have a bit of breathing space for the meantime. I'm going out tomorrow to get the card ..at least that solves one problem.
I don't know if I'm eating or not today ...it feels as if i am ricocheting between eating disorders at the moment ...everything at the moment seems to have no fixed course ...expect for well, the fact that I'm still eating disordered that is. My weight has been fluctuating like crazy ...I can't really trust the mirror, or the person standing before it either. There needs to be more emphasis on how how horrible body dysmorphia really is ...it's been really upsetting me lately. I had a lucid moment with the mirror yesterday, i was checking my profile (as per usual) and the only word i could use to describe how my arms looked was "box-like". I was on the phone, talking about it to my sister and she said that they haven't looked much different for months, and months (and months), which actually translates to "until you decided to "recover" that is." I was pretty sure she was lying to me, but I know I saw them as i described them to her, yesterday morning. It bought me to tears ...i was like "what the hell is wrong with you, what are you doing to yourself?"... I'm pretty sure i actually scared myself for once, as a result of what i do to myself. I feel like a liar ...and a hypocryite ...here i am telling my family i am "recovering" and "getting better" or "trying to be healthy" but here i am binging, purging, eating/not eating, etc, etc, etc. I know why though, it's the stress. I'm waiting to get ahead of this curve... this incredibly ...stress provoking curve.
It's the only reason I'm active in my ED'S at the moment, and 'recovery' is a distant concept that's on the back burner for now.
Gonna go read my friend page, and then hopefully do some writing ...not feeling anxious or depressed at this point.
So ...i took it a bit ago, i think it's working. She also said that dinner is not until Saturday, and that my mother & her partner are going to melbourne to see 'avatar' at the imax, or something tomorrow, so I have a bit of breathing space for the meantime. I'm going out tomorrow to get the card ..at least that solves one problem.
I don't know if I'm eating or not today ...it feels as if i am ricocheting between eating disorders at the moment ...everything at the moment seems to have no fixed course ...expect for well, the fact that I'm still eating disordered that is. My weight has been fluctuating like crazy ...I can't really trust the mirror, or the person standing before it either. There needs to be more emphasis on how how horrible body dysmorphia really is ...it's been really upsetting me lately. I had a lucid moment with the mirror yesterday, i was checking my profile (as per usual) and the only word i could use to describe how my arms looked was "box-like". I was on the phone, talking about it to my sister and she said that they haven't looked much different for months, and months (and months), which actually translates to "until you decided to "recover" that is." I was pretty sure she was lying to me, but I know I saw them as i described them to her, yesterday morning. It bought me to tears ...i was like "what the hell is wrong with you, what are you doing to yourself?"... I'm pretty sure i actually scared myself for once, as a result of what i do to myself. I feel like a liar ...and a hypocryite ...here i am telling my family i am "recovering" and "getting better" or "trying to be healthy" but here i am binging, purging, eating/not eating, etc, etc, etc. I know why though, it's the stress. I'm waiting to get ahead of this curve... this incredibly ...stress provoking curve.
It's the only reason I'm active in my ED'S at the moment, and 'recovery' is a distant concept that's on the back burner for now.
Gonna go read my friend page, and then hopefully do some writing ...not feeling anxious or depressed at this point.