(no subject)
I'm writing now...perhaps as procrastination from the work I have to do. I don't think I'll know what to do with myself during the summer. I guess I'll teach summer school, but I will look forward to consecutive days off with nothing to do. Even over winter break, I was traveling nearly the entire time. Not that I'm complaining. I got to see my favorite people in the world (save Tom who I barely got to see at all). But at this point, I am exhausted. Plus, I've been sick so that doesn't help.
On the other hand, I have this romantic happy ending on the horizon. It's an odd feeling. Especially after where I was letting myself go before I met Brad. There were levels of self-hate going on that I hadn't experienced since high school. Maybe I've said this before. I don't know. I just know that I didn't feel worthy. And then I met Brad. He always goes out of his way to reassure me of my...worth. And it makes me a much stronger person. He's experienced similar feelings about himself in the past. The difference is I'm not his magical cure. I don't think I do my best job of reassuring him. I don't tell him enough or show him enough. I don't make it about him enough...and I think he suffers because of it.
My friend Quinton and I have this way of labeling everyone as either a giver or a taker. I am most definitely a giver. Especially with the people that I come to care the most about. But, Brad shows me a level of emotional giving that is hard to match. And, Brad, I'm not saying that you "win" because there is much more involved than just emotional giving (like, say, plane tickets and robosapiens...). And I am an emotionally available person. Much more so now than I've EVER been. I just want to make him feel good...feel better.
Anyway, sorry for talking in length about the same thing. It's just an important thing. Hope you are all doing well.
Later,
Estee
On the other hand, I have this romantic happy ending on the horizon. It's an odd feeling. Especially after where I was letting myself go before I met Brad. There were levels of self-hate going on that I hadn't experienced since high school. Maybe I've said this before. I don't know. I just know that I didn't feel worthy. And then I met Brad. He always goes out of his way to reassure me of my...worth. And it makes me a much stronger person. He's experienced similar feelings about himself in the past. The difference is I'm not his magical cure. I don't think I do my best job of reassuring him. I don't tell him enough or show him enough. I don't make it about him enough...and I think he suffers because of it.
My friend Quinton and I have this way of labeling everyone as either a giver or a taker. I am most definitely a giver. Especially with the people that I come to care the most about. But, Brad shows me a level of emotional giving that is hard to match. And, Brad, I'm not saying that you "win" because there is much more involved than just emotional giving (like, say, plane tickets and robosapiens...). And I am an emotionally available person. Much more so now than I've EVER been. I just want to make him feel good...feel better.
Anyway, sorry for talking in length about the same thing. It's just an important thing. Hope you are all doing well.
Later,
Estee