(Untitled)
"Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned."
A heartbeat too late
The plate I was drying slips from my hands when I hear Rose in my head.
I'm sorry, Mama. I spin around, for it' ( Read more... )
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned."
A heartbeat too late
The plate I was drying slips from my hands when I hear Rose in my head.
I'm sorry, Mama. I spin around, for it' ( Read more... )
Out of the darkness a figure comes running towards us, and I am relieved when I realize it is a friendly face.
"Think it's comin' along a bit fastah than I'd like. But we got time to do some of the rituals." Nu assures a breathless Genny, then gives me a once over. "You come along too, Befoah I do this, want to bless those babies, make suah they get delivered safe."
"Are you sure there's time? Surely it can wait until after you---"
"Babies?" A very shocked voice comes from the other side of Nu, and I look past them to Kent. He looks from Nu's face to mine... and I might be smiling a bit. "As in... babies? More than one?"
"There was one when we came out tonight... surprise." Laugh a little and hug Nu. "And Nu was able to take one, and make it two, giving Rose a place to go..." His eyes go wide and there is so much we need to say to one another, and there is still a grief I hold for what was lost that needs to be faced... but not right now.
"Talk later, help now!" I laugh a little, again, and the three of us go with Nu back to the carnival.
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"If the world don't end, this is gonna turn out to be a pretty good day for you, ayuh," I say.
Get back to my trailah, an' I look at Kent.
"'Fraid you can't come in, boy. Only people who can bear babies come in when this is goin' on." Ain't nothin' to do with bein' male or female, jus' about the kind of energy in the room. Influences how smoothly it goes. An' in the past I've had all sorts of people with me, but given this ain't an ordinary day, I want this part to go as well as it can. "Nice to have you heah, Wanda, cos you bein' pregnant'll amplify things. Kent, why don't you go on ovah to the bar? Tell them I sent you an' they'll give you a free drink. Bet aftah what you been through tonight you need one."
Bunch of people outside my trailah, all wanting to talk to me, an' I shake my head.
"Love you all, ayuh. An' I ain't gonna say goodbye to each one of you, so you go 'long now. Look to your own. Cos this is gonna be a long night for all of us, ayuh. Lot of magic in the air."
Clump up the couple of stairs to the trailah an' get inside.
"Genny," I say, "you remembah from befoah? Need watah, an' my herbs burnin', an' for us all to wash."
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It takes me a sec, but then I think I got it. Nu made it so that Miss Wanda's gonna have twins. I watch Miss Wanda hug Nu, and I watch Miss Wanda's poor confused fella figure it out too, and I'm grinnin' and huggin' Miss Wanda too. "Congratulations. I'm real happy for you."
"If the world don't end, this is gonna turn out to be a pretty good day for you, ayuh," It's sort of a joke, but it sort of ain't. I can feel that there's somethin' wrong right now, but I don't know what. And I can't think 'bout that right now, 'cause I gotta help Nu. I gotta.
We walk through the carnival and over to Nu's trailer, and Nu tries to get Kent and everyone else to go away, then goes in.
Everyone's yellin', and I wanna go hide, but I can't. I gotta turn 'round and say to the folks who're left, "You gotta go now. Nu ain't gonna be alone." My voice gets shaky, and I think I'm gonna cry, but I keep talkin'. "I'm gonna stay with Nu, and I'll tell you all when everythin's done."
Leastways it's grumbles 'stead of yellin' now. Still ain't fun to face down half the carnival, but I still do. Then there's only Sadie left, and I know she likes Nu a whole lot - she's stayin' 'cause she's worried, not 'cause she don't wanna listen to me. I can see the lines 'round her eyes, the way her mouth sets tight. I say just to her, "It's okay. I promise I'm gonna take good care of Nu. Promise."
Then I go in.
"Genny," I say, "you remembah from befoah? Need watah, an' my herbs burnin', an' for us all to wash."
"Uh-huh. I 'member." The last time Nu had a baby, and then didn't. Little Abzu. I still 'member how Abzu looked and felt and smelled, and the way Abzu looked all brown and pretty in the bright sun. This time, the baby's gonna be Nu. This time it's gonna work like it was s'posed to, 'cept that means that Nu's gonna go away.
I pour water into a big basin first so's we can wash, and then start sortin' out the herbs. Hope it don't matter that I'm cryin' into the basin. It's just more water for Nu.
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"Nice to have you heah, Wanda, cos you bein' pregnant'll amplify things. Kent, why don't you go on ovah to the bar? Tell them I sent you an' they'll give you a free drink. Bet aftah what you been through tonight you need one."
Kent looks at me, and rakes a hand thru his hair. "Maybe, in a bit... need to move her somewhere safe, first." I nod, and feel the tears well up again as he hugs me before heading back towards the riverbank. I swipe at my eyes and head into the trailer and Nu says something about not saying goodbyes as Genny directs everyone away.
Okay... goodbye?
Nu directs Genny to get a basin and start burning herbs, and mentions we need to undress and wash. Hey, right now? If Nu asked me to strip naked and dance a jig on a table, I would.
I am shrugging out of sodden clothing without question, but Genny's crying and everyone looked so serious...!
"Okay. I will do whatever you ask, and gladly... but what am I missing here?" I finally ask, quietly.
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"It'll be alright, girl," I say, smilin'. "You know it. But it's okay to be sad." Straighten up an' put my wet clothes in the sink - I won't need them no more. Told Sadie she can give out my things aftah I've done with them. And Callie, she was gonna quit nursin' a while back but when I said I was pregnant she kept on to keep her milk supply up. I got good friends heah. Know all of them will be parents to me til I'm big enough to remembah myself.
"I'm forty-two yeahs old," I say to Wanda, "an' I'm also a lot oldah than that. But this is the oldest I've evah been. I've lived... A lot of lives. Don't remembah all of them. An' when the time comes for me to be reborn... Who bettah to do it than me?" I smile. "Cos I ain't evah delivered a baby wrong." I rummage on my shelves an' bring down a little bottle. Got a little tiny bit of blood from my last period saved up heah, mixed with oil. Pour it onto my hands an' press them onto Wanda - one on her belly, one on her pelvis.
"My blessin' goes with you, girl," I say, serious. "You won't miscarry those babies, an' they'll be born healthy. Can't promise you anything aftah that. But that part is safe."
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"I know," I snuffle. "I'm gonna be with you, and you're still gonna be here. I know it'll be okay." I hug Nu real tight, and I don't wanna let go.
"Okay. I will do whatever you ask, and gladly... but what am I missing here?"
"I'm forty-two yeahs old," I say to Wanda, "an' I'm also a lot oldah than that. But this is the oldest I've evah been. I've lived... A lot of lives. Don't remembah all of them. An' when the time comes for me to be reborn... Who bettah to do it than me?" I smile. "Cos I ain't evah delivered a baby wrong."
"The baby's gonna be Nu," I explain to Miss Wanda, and I wipe some tears away. "That means - that means that the grownup Nu ain't gonna be here no more. But there's gonna be a baby, and that's still Nu."
Nu starts helpin' Wanda in that midwife way, and I start takin' my clothes off. Feels just like the other time I done it, even though that time wasn't really real. It don't feel like bein' nekkid with a gal, or even like bein' nekkid when I'm takin' a bath. It just feels like what I'm s'posed to be doin'.
The herbs're startin' to smell nice, and the water feels like a river, even if it aint' really movin'. Yeah, this is Nu's magic. This is what's s'posed to be happenin'. But oh, heck, I'm gonna miss grownup-Nu!
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"...An' when the time comes for me to be reborn... Who bettah to do it than me? Cos I ain't evah delivered a baby wrong."
"The baby's gonna be Nu, That means - that means that the grownup Nu ain't gonna be here no more. But there's gonna be a baby, and that's still Nu."
"You're giving birth... to... yourself?" I ask slowly, watching as Nu fiddles with a little jar. "Well. That's different. Neat, though..." Laugh a little, and shake my head. "Come find me in sixteen years or so... Drinks are on me." I think I should be more flabbergasted by this, but it's Excolo. Honestly, I've seen weirder.
Nu takes some oil and anoints me, with a promise that the babies will be carry to term and be born healthy. "Can't promise you anything aftah that. But that part is safe."
Again, something... no... someones respond to Nu, and I know all will be alright as long as the world keeps spinning after tonight. "It's more than anyone in this world can expect or wish for, thank you. Rose, her sister and I thank you." Don't care that we're naked and I'm covered in oil, I give hug a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, and realize that I am really going to miss them.
"Right." I laugh and sniffle at the same time. "Let's get you born."
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"You'll do alright," I say. "'Specially since you got rid of your ex, ayuh." Glance out of the window of my trailah. "Let's hope he don't succeed." Close the curtains. Ain't anythin' I can do about that now. I can sense things happenin' in town, but I ain't lettin' myself worry about that eithah. I'm gonna be born one way or anothah, an' a hard birth can give me a hard start in life, too.
"Help me wash, honey," I say to Genny. We get me clean, an' I say - "we ain't gonna be able to anoint me with my own watah, hon. That broke in the rivah. So when I'm born, you got to take me down theah soon as you can an' pour watah from the rivah on my head. It'll help me remembah." I explain some to Wanda - "I'll slowly start to know who I am," I say. "Bit by bit. Helps me if I'm with people who remembah me from befoah, can tell me about myself, an' if the rituals 'round my birth ah done right, you ken? Thing is, by the time I come to my first bleedin', I remembah everythin'. One lifetime, the woman who was meant to help me give birth died, an' so anothah friend helped me. Didn't have much time to prepare her. An' she thought it'd be kindah to me if I was just brought up as a normal child. I'd get little flashes through my childhood that confused me some, an' she'd say they was just dreams. Then one day I was twelve, an' I was bleedin' in my panties an' I remembered everything." I shudder. "I went half-crazy... Was too much for me. Ended up getting myself pregnant aged fourteen jus' so I could start ovah again." Sigh. "This time will be good," I say, an' pat Genny's hand. So long as the world don't end.
I pace around the trailah some. We chant a song I taught Genny in an ole, ole tongue, a language of watah an' birth. I tell Genny a few things I remembah about her when I joined the carnival an' she was just a little girl. Don't think I evah told her about them befoah. Want her to know them befoah I forget them for a few yeahs.
"Want you to - " breathe out hard - "teach me to paint in this next life, you ken?" Smile at her. Feel sweat bead on my forehead. "Ain't painted in, oh, since half-a-dozen lifetimes ago. Think I'd like to learn again. Cos all this business," I say, meanin' my baby work, my sex work, "I know how to do without teachin', but everythin' else I got to learn, jus' like a regular person."
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Mine too, I guess? Pretty lil Danika, who never was who she said she was.
Now she wants to…break the world. I don't hardly know, and I can't do nothin' 'bout that. All's I can do is help Nu, and that's gonna help keep some of the good in the world no matter what.
I try to remember everythin' that Nu's sayin', so's I can tell baby-Nu about it later. 'Cause that's what Nu's doin' for me. Nu remembers when I was little, and is tellin' me all kinds of stories. That's what grownups do for kids. But soon I'll be the grownup, and Nu'll be the kid, and I'll remember all the stuff that Nu don't.
How'm I ever gonna be older'n Nu? Nu's the one who always takes care of everyone else! How'm I s'posed to take care of Nu?
I'm glad Miss Wanda's here, so I don't gotta be alone with baby-Nu when it happens.
But I gotta try. "Okay. I'll bring you down to the river," I promise. "I'll pour the water on your head. And I'll tell you everything." I'm snifflin' again, 'cause soon Nu won't 'member all of that stuff 'bout when I was a kid. I gotta 'member it for both of us. "All the stories 'bout how you are now, and all the stuff we done together." Nu reaches out for my hand, and I lean over to give a tight hug. "I won't let you get lost like that." I know what it's like to forget everythin, even who you are, and I don't want nobody else to have to go there.
I wash Nu off, long strong strokes of the sponge, and I watch the water make little rivers down Nu's brown skin. We sing songs together - I don't know the language they're in, and they ain't even the same songs we sang the last time Nu had a baby, but somehow I just start singin' and I know all the words. 'Course, Miss Wanda makes the songs sound better, but all that matters is that we're singin', and that we're helpin' Nu.
"Want you to - " breathe out hard - "teach me to paint in this next life, you ken?" Smile at her. Feel sweat bead on my forehead. "Ain't painted in, oh, since half-a-dozen lifetimes ago. Think I'd like to learn again. Cos all this business," I say, meanin' my baby work, my sex work, "I know how to do without teachin', but everythin' else I got to learn, jus' like a regular person."
"I will, honey," I sniffle. "Promise. I bet you'll be good at it." I can tell that Nu's gettin' close to havin' the baby - breathing' faster'n harder, gettin' that tight look 'round the eyes that means pain. "I'll teach you how to paint and draw and anythin' you want."
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"Know you won't, girl," I say, smilin'. "You an' me been good friends, ain't we? An' we will be again. Be diff'rent, but that ain't bad."
Genny's sniffling some, but that ain't bad eithah. Nice to feel cared for. An' I know she'll miss me, but she'll look aftah the new me, too. Good to have a community. Had quite a few lifetimes wheah I had to go into my next with much more uncertainty. In this one, I know I got people who've got my back.
Aftah a while I can tell it's gettin' close to my time. So I sit down on the birthin' stool one of the carpenters with the carnival made for me - "you tell David he did a nice job," I say to Genny - an' put my hand between my legs, feel my cervix. Yeah, not long now. "Wanda, will you hold my back while Genny's between my legs?" I say. Helps to have someone to lean back on when the contractions really start comin'.
"When I'm born," I say, between huffin' breaths, "I'll be attached to the afterbirth. Genny, you should cut the cord with the special knife with a bone handle I got on the windowsill. I cleaned it this mornin'. Told Syl she can have the afterbirth." It's full of magic, an' it ain't like theah's anyone else bettah suited to usin' it than her.
Remembah an' ole prayah to Amun, an' he's long gone, but I say it again an' again in the ole tongue. Make the heart of the deliverer strong, and keep alive the one that is coming. Cos it was a prayah to me, though most people didn't know it. That's alright. The act of birth is worship for me. Don't mattah which god people think it's for.
"You girls," I say, "both done good tonight, thank you for it. Know I ain't your god, but I'm glad you been my priestesses today." Smile at them both. Theah's a lot of pain now, but it's alright. This kind of pain ain't somethin' that scares me. Theah's a smell in the room like the scent of the Nile, green an' strong, an' it makes tears spring up into my eyes cos I'm glad, and cos it's almost done.
"One - more - push - "
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I'm not s'posed to be doin' this! Nu's the one who's s'posed to be cuttin' cords'n givin' out afterbirth! Nu wouldn't even have to think about it. Why'm I the one doin' it?
'Cause Nu won't be here no more. I gotta remember.
I drew a picture of Nu last week, smilin' in the sun. I'll have to show the baby, 'cause the baby won't remember, but I will. I always will.
"Oh, Nu, honey, I love you," I sob. And then I sing, 'cause it's time to sing another song, and say another prayer, and get ready for the baby to come.
Nu starts pushin' harder, and the world starts changin'. This is different from when Abzu was born - I can feel it already. The room's fillin' up with summer and warmth and water smells. It don't look no different, but it feels different.
Feels like it done way down south that time we went there in June, where you could just feel the life all 'round you, and everythin' was green, and if you looked real close you'd see some of the green start to move 'cause it was tiny frogs'n lizards. Everythin's alive, and it gets more alive the more time you spend with it.
"One - more - push - "
It feels like we're in the river. There's a sound of water and a feelin' like we're bein' washed away in a flood.
And then Nu's gone, and I'm holdin' a lil baby, all yellin' and healthy and chubby. And covered in water - water that don't smell like no water I've ever smelled.
"Oh, Nu," I whisper, huggin' the baby close. "Oh, you sweet thing." I'm cryin', and my tears fall on the baby's head. More water.
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"Known a few gods Nu... and I gotta say... you're the best of them. It's truly been a privilege." And I really do mean that.
The air shifts in the trailer and it all feels so lush and green, and a hum of voices and chanting in my head.
"One - more - push -"
I wish I could describe what just happened, how it just... but I can't. One moment I am holding Nu--- and then I am not. My arms are empty but Genny's are very full. The baby is wet and crying and Genny is crying and I think I might be laughing softly.
"Okay... I may have seen weirder, but that's incredible!" I whisper and reach over to though touch the baby's... Nu's head. "Hello Nu, welcome back." Shake my head and rise to hand Genny the knife that Nu pointed out. "Here you go. Let me find something to throw on our asses, and I'll go with you down to the river, if you'd like." I look around and spy a few tapestries and some sheets that should serve as impromptu wraps for the time being....
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"Ain't it?" I'm laughin' and cryin' all at the same time now, and huggin' the baby to me. "Ain't it just?" The baby's so amazin'! Fuzzy lil bits of hair and tiny tiny toes…
"Here you go.
I look up, and see that Miss Wanda's holdin' out the knife - oh, right, I gotta cut the cord. Oh, heck, I hope I'm doin' this right…
I reach out and cut, and it feels like the world shifted again. The baby squirms and wiggles and I gotta hold on tight, but I know I done it right 'cause the baby smiles.
Let me find something to throw on our asses, and I'll go with you down to the river, if you'd like.
"Yeah. I - I don't think I wanna do that by myself. Or without clothes," I add, gigglin'. "And - you had a baby, right? Is there anythin' else I should be doin'? I know that after we go to the river I gotta get the baby to Callie soon so's she can feed 'em, but do I gotta do anythin' else?"
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And then all is normal again. As normal as my life gets, at any rate. Manage to fashion a pretty green tapestry into a sari, and I am just pulling down a pale blue one when Genny takes me up on my offer to go to the river.
"And - you had a baby, right? Is there anythin' else I should be doin'? I know that after we go to the river I gotta get the baby to Callie soon so's she can feed 'em, but do I gotta do anythin' else?"
I had a baby... a beautiful little imp...
"Keep them warm." I manage to make my voice work as I hand Genny the tapestry and hold out my hands for Nu. I take the wiggling, happy child and give them a smile. I spy a smaller blanket, and lie baby down on the bed and make quick work of swaddling them "Most babies like being wrapped up like this, makes them feel secure." I hand Nu back to Genny. "Keep talking, keep singing... doesn't need to be 'baby talk', they just like hearing your voice. And most important... keep them safe." Maybe I'll do a better job, this time around.
"Come on, let's get this done. Not the best night to be doing this..." I say cautiously as I open the door and peer back outside. Funny though, it doesn't seem quite as bad as it was.
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I fold the baby back into my arms, and hold on real tight. "C'mon, baby Nu. We're gonna take you down to the river. You're gonna like that, right?" Keep talkin', she said. Keep talkin'. "You asked us to bring you back there, 'cause you didn't get to finish what you done before." If I just keep doin' what Nu and Miss Wanda told me, it's gotta work, right?
Miss Wanda opens the door, and I cuddle Nu close so they don't get rained on - the storm's still pretty bad! Hope we all don't get blown away...
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We step outside and there's something going on. Something moreso than the storm and the earth moaning in protest. The air is heavy with it, and the sound--- It's so loud! Loud in the way that the gods are when they roar their presence, the way that HE is. I think for a moment to be very afraid for myself and the souls I now carry. I cannot imagine that He will be pleased at Rose's deception, and I can hear Him in the din...
But it's not just Him. It's everything and everyone that is working against Him. And us getting Nu down to the river is a part of that. Don't know how I know it, but it's the truth. It's ringing as clear as a bell in the patter of the rain.
Wish I had some form of weapon with me, but there's nothing to be done for it now. Get my arm thru Genny's, and guide us down to the river as quick as I can manage while my head tries to split itself open from the noise. I step down into the water once I spy a flat enough spot and hold my hand up to Genny. "Take my hand! I'll hold onto you and make sure you don't slip while you do what you have to do---"
Even as I reach for Genny, something else reaches for me, wraps itself around me. The power and the energy, people are working it, weaving it into the rain itself.
I am the BeanSidhe; I am La Llorna... I am the whisper of the wind and the howl of the storm when I give it my voice... and now I am the Siren's Song...
I am not sure if what is coming out of my mouth is any language one can recognize, or all of them at once. But I sing to coax people out into the rain to receive it's blessing. I sing so those that hear will raise their hearts and spirits and lend them to the magic flowing by me like the river itself...
I sing because I can't not sing.
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