We've had a sleep - a true sleep, with only the sort of dreams that you do not remember save for knowing that you have had them. I am still exhausted enough that I rise later than I usually do, but it is Saturday, and I doubt that the library will see many visitors today - and moreover, I know that Lydia, of all people, will understand if I am too tired to open on time after what I have done
( ... )
I look up when I hear her -- them -- coming down the hall. "Good morning, darling. How are you feeling?"
"Too small." I look back at my bowl. "But mostly just real tired." Tired even though it feels like I've been sleeping forever.
I take another bite. "My oatmeal is cold." I just made it, though. Just now. I made it and sat down. I look at Hermia again, and there's another voice in my ear. "Excolo isn't a real place, is it?"
"Too small." I look back at my bowl. "But mostly just real tired."
Too small? Does she mean, too small only having herself, instead of the other girl who was with her? Too small for the power that she holds? (the power which I must start helping her learn about and control!) But it makes sense to Alice, and that's what counts right now. "I understand," I say, because I might, after all. "We're all tired." I plant the kiss gently on her forehead and turn away again to start the coffee.
"My oatmeal is cold."
"Would you like me to warm it up for you?" I ask over my shoulder as I cut bread from a thick loaf - goodness, I hadn't realized how hungry I was!
"Excolo isn't a real place, is it?"It comes out of nowhere, half a second after she asks about oatmeal. What is going on in Alice's sad labyrinth of a mind to lead her there? I set the knife down, and turn to face her fully. A question like that deserves all of my attention, and a great deal of thought, as well, for I am certain that she can sense more magic than she realizes, and she
( ... )
Hermia kisses my head and I smile, because that's what you're supposed to do. "Can I have coffee?" I ask, and I let the spoon drop back in the bowl of oatmeal. "Coffee's warm."
"Excolo is a different sort of place than most," she says and she's looking right at me, so that I want to squirm around in my chair, "but it's real." I nod and it's quiet. The air is listening.
"More real now than it was yesterday, even, because there won't be any more problems like there were yesterday. What sort of things did you have in mind that made you wonder whether it was real?"
I gotta think about that, because the answer isn't right there for me to see. I got think and find it. I gotta listen. "It shouldn't be real." This place. People like us. All the wrong things come together here. I shake my head, and shake the thought away too. Another one comes up and takes its place, words in my ear for me to say. "Maybe... Maybe it's too real. Maybe that's what's wrong
( ... )
"Can I have coffee?" I ask, and I let the spoon drop back in the bowl of oatmeal. "Coffee's warm."
"If you like," I smile. "It will be ready in a moment."
"It shouldn't be real." This place. People like us. All the wrong things come together here. I shake my head, and shake the thought away too. Another one comes up and takes its place, words in my ear for me to say. "Maybe... Maybe it's too real. Maybe that's what's wrong."
"It might be that it's too real, yes," I say, quiet and serious. "Things happen in Excolo that don't happen elsewhere. Things that stay hidden from most people, but we can see. I don't think that it's something wrong with Excolo, though. Not all of the strange things that happen here are bad. Many of them are helpful and good
( ... )
Hermia says I can have coffee -- not hot chocolate, but real coffee -- and that makes me smile, a little bit. "It might be that it's too real, yes," she says. "Things happen in Excolo that don't happen elsewhere. Things that stay hidden from most people, but we can see. I don't think that it's something wrong with Excolo, though. Not all of the strange things that happen here are bad. Many of them are helpful and good."
Different things are bad, that's why they are different, so I don't understand how they could be good and helpful. I don't say anything, though, because that would be rude and because Hermia is so nice.
"Yes, it was. It was…people and things that should not have been real, but were made real." Things that should not be real. And I don't look, I won't, even though I can feel her eyes on the back of my head, and I can feel her looking at Hermia through my eyes. "Things from our dreams that became part of the world. But it's over now, and it can't hurt you any more."
My breath catches. True sight. Or something very like it. No wonder her mind wanders; no wonder she always seems to be looking at something just out of sight - it is because she is looking at things that nobody else can see. I have read about this talent, but it is so rare that I never hoped to meet someone who had it - and here is someone in my own kitchen, sharing my coffee.
"They were right," is what I say first. "You won't get in trouble at all, darling, and I'm very glad that you told me. Thank you for that. You never have to fear that you will be in trouble for telling me and Valmont the truth. Especially if you are frightened or confused - we will never punish you for that.
"And they were right that many people in this town can see things, and many people can do things that are…unusual. I can, myself. And Dr. Constantine could do very unusual things, so he would know very well." Gaueko, I say nothing about. I hope that Alice will never take lessons from him again - she will not if I have anything to say about it
( ... )
"They were right," she says and I was holding my breath so I let that out. "You won't get in trouble at all, darling, and I'm very glad that you told me. Thank you for that. You never have to fear that you will be in trouble for telling me and Valmont the truth. Especially if you are frightened or confused - we will never punish you for that."
Laughing. She's laughing. I shake my head. I won't even listen, can't make me listen, not with the nice things Hermia is saying. Can't make me -- not the truth, no -- can't make me hear.
"And they were right that many people in this town can see things, and many people can do things that are…unusual. I can, myself. And Dr. Constantine could do very unusual things, so he would know very well."Could. Could do things. In the past
( ... )
"Yes, darling. He's gone too. I'm sorry." I smooth back her hair gently from her forehead. I wish she hadn't had to know this grief already - but, then, with her talents, how could I think that she would not know what had happened to Lucien?
I give her one more light touch on the shoulder, and then step back to pour the coffee while Alice speaks of Chester. Let her take what happy distraction she can find - and let her ask questions, as many as she wants.
"Chester is really funny. He showed me how to see other places. But it made me dizzy and I didn't want to throw up. Did he teach you things? Is that why your colors are different?""Yes. He's been teaching me a great deal about magic." I set down the coffee in front of Alice, and the plate of bread and butter between us, and draw the milk and sugar over so that I can add it to my own coffee - and, I hope, so that Alice will get the hint that she might like it better if she puts it in hers
( ... )
"Yes, darling. He's gone too. I'm sorry." So both of them together. I was hoping... But no, hoping is just wishing. And I'm an adult now. No more wishing. Even if I do close my eyes when she touches me, just for a second pretending it doesn't hurt.
I tell her about Chester and she's happy, not upset, that I know about her being different. It makes me smile, just a little bit. "Yes. He's been teaching me a great deal about magic." She puts down the coffee and some bread, too. I'm not hungry, anymore, so I just take the coffee, with the mug hot in my hands.
"I hadn't thought that it would change the way my colors looked, but I suppose it makes sense that it does." she says, putting sugar in her coffee. I look down at my cup. Sugar's always something good to add, I think. Most things could do with more sugar. "He's a very good teacher. If you want to learn more from him, he'll make certain that you learn well.""I'm better now." In case she was worried. I don't want her to be worried. Or to think I'm just a little kid, because it used
( ... )
"I'm better now." In case she was worried. I don't want her to be worried. Or to think I'm just a little kid, because it used to scare me so much. "Things don't hurt my eyes anymore. Not even the star lady."
"Then I'm glad," I say, between bites of bread. "What changed, to make it better? Did you do something?"
It is the usual rhythm of an Alice-conversation, all twists and turns and leaps around corners that in her mind make a straight line, and the rest of us must simply try to follow as best we can. But this time, I have a few more clues as to where I must go - Ariadne leading me through the labyrinth.
"I'm not scared of it." Not scared of anything. Not really. And even if I am scared, even if, it's still okay. I belong to the big man. All that light can't get to me, if I'm in the shadows. "But I don't go there. I won't, I mean.""There's nothing wrong in being afraid. And I'm not angry at you for going there before," I make certain to add. "You didn't know yet that I didn't want you to go there, so you can't be blamed for it.
( ... )
"What changed, to make it better? Did you do something?"
"My eyes got burnt up," I tell her, looking at the bread again. "The star lady got mad, that's what the big man said. And it was the day time, so his friend had to help." I'm not hungry. I wish we had cake. I'd be hungry for cake. "My eyes didn't hurt anymore after that." I shrug.
But then the wrong words keep coming out and Hermia keeps finding them.
"That's exactly what I meant," she says. "I know that you didn't mean to do what you did, and that you didn't want to hurt Micah. You were sorry when it happened, and then you learned and worked so that it wouldn't happen again." She knows. She knows about Micah and the woods and everything. And she isn't sore, not at all. "There's no shame in making mistakes - the real test is in what we do after we've made a mistake. I can speak to Chester, if you like, and see if he can teach you some more."I nod -- I can't find any words to say -- and let go of the mug because it's so hot and I was holding it too tight. It's probably good
( ... )
"I won't be angry at you for something that you can't help," I hear from far away and I could, I could help it, not with Micah, but before... In the before I barely remember, I could help it. I wanted it.
"And…perhaps I made a mistake, when I said that dreams weren't real. We dream of things that are real, after all. People we know, places we've been. They're real when they're in the world, even if they're not real when they're in our dreams." I'm trying to find my way back, trying to follow her voice, but I feel lost. Away. "Is she the one who has been helping you control it?" And I'm not alone.
"Yes," I say, small and far away. I don't know if Hermia can hear me. I close my eyes. "No." And that's far away, too. I open my eyes and I can see my own lips move, for just a second. I can watch myself because I'm outside. "I control it."
"Yes," she says, and then "No." - colder, harder, and when the eyes open again, they are not the same. Not Alice, not my dear confused girl. "I control it."
"Carol," I reply quietly. "So you…take control, when Alice is trying to focus her powers?" Where is she? Where is Alice? How can I bring her back?
"So you…take control, when Alice is trying to focus her powers?"
I watch her in silence. I watch her breathe. I watch her blink. The woman who knows my name. "No." I tilt the head to the side. I feel the wood of the table under the hands. Real. "She hides. She is afraid. I am not afraid." The mouth smiles. I smile. "She is weak. I am not weak."
Her voice comes from a place far behind me. I do not listen. She is not important now.
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"Too small." I look back at my bowl. "But mostly just real tired." Tired even though it feels like I've been sleeping forever.
I take another bite. "My oatmeal is cold." I just made it, though. Just now. I made it and sat down. I look at Hermia again, and there's another voice in my ear. "Excolo isn't a real place, is it?"
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Too small? Does she mean, too small only having herself, instead of the other girl who was with her? Too small for the power that she holds? (the power which I must start helping her learn about and control!) But it makes sense to Alice, and that's what counts right now. "I understand," I say, because I might, after all. "We're all tired." I plant the kiss gently on her forehead and turn away again to start the coffee.
"My oatmeal is cold."
"Would you like me to warm it up for you?" I ask over my shoulder as I cut bread from a thick loaf - goodness, I hadn't realized how hungry I was!
"Excolo isn't a real place, is it?"It comes out of nowhere, half a second after she asks about oatmeal. What is going on in Alice's sad labyrinth of a mind to lead her there? I set the knife down, and turn to face her fully. A question like that deserves all of my attention, and a great deal of thought, as well, for I am certain that she can sense more magic than she realizes, and she ( ... )
Reply
"Excolo is a different sort of place than most," she says and she's looking right at me, so that I want to squirm around in my chair, "but it's real." I nod and it's quiet. The air is listening.
"More real now than it was yesterday, even, because there won't be any more problems like there were yesterday. What sort of things did you have in mind that made you wonder whether it was real?"
I gotta think about that, because the answer isn't right there for me to see. I got think and find it. I gotta listen. "It shouldn't be real." This place. People like us. All the wrong things come together here. I shake my head, and shake the thought away too. Another one comes up and takes its place, words in my ear for me to say. "Maybe... Maybe it's too real. Maybe that's what's wrong ( ... )
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"If you like," I smile. "It will be ready in a moment."
"It shouldn't be real." This place. People like us. All the wrong things come together here. I shake my head, and shake the thought away too. Another one comes up and takes its place, words in my ear for me to say. "Maybe... Maybe it's too real. Maybe that's what's wrong."
"It might be that it's too real, yes," I say, quiet and serious. "Things happen in Excolo that don't happen elsewhere. Things that stay hidden from most people, but we can see. I don't think that it's something wrong with Excolo, though. Not all of the strange things that happen here are bad. Many of them are helpful and good ( ... )
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Different things are bad, that's why they are different, so I don't understand how they could be good and helpful. I don't say anything, though, because that would be rude and because Hermia is so nice.
"Yes, it was. It was…people and things that should not have been real, but were made real." Things that should not be real. And I don't look, I won't, even though I can feel her eyes on the back of my head, and I can feel her looking at Hermia through my eyes. "Things from our dreams that became part of the world. But it's over now, and it can't hurt you any more."
It could not hurt youNothing can hurt me ( ... )
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"They were right," is what I say first. "You won't get in trouble at all, darling, and I'm very glad that you told me. Thank you for that. You never have to fear that you will be in trouble for telling me and Valmont the truth. Especially if you are frightened or confused - we will never punish you for that.
"And they were right that many people in this town can see things, and many people can do things that are…unusual. I can, myself. And Dr. Constantine could do very unusual things, so he would know very well." Gaueko, I say nothing about. I hope that Alice will never take lessons from him again - she will not if I have anything to say about it ( ... )
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Laughing. She's laughing. I shake my head. I won't even listen, can't make me listen, not with the nice things Hermia is saying. Can't make me -- not the truth, no -- can't make me hear.
"And they were right that many people in this town can see things, and many people can do things that are…unusual. I can, myself. And Dr. Constantine could do very unusual things, so he would know very well."Could. Could do things. In the past ( ... )
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I give her one more light touch on the shoulder, and then step back to pour the coffee while Alice speaks of Chester. Let her take what happy distraction she can find - and let her ask questions, as many as she wants.
"Chester is really funny. He showed me how to see other places. But it made me dizzy and I didn't want to throw up. Did he teach you things? Is that why your colors are different?""Yes. He's been teaching me a great deal about magic." I set down the coffee in front of Alice, and the plate of bread and butter between us, and draw the milk and sugar over so that I can add it to my own coffee - and, I hope, so that Alice will get the hint that she might like it better if she puts it in hers ( ... )
Reply
I tell her about Chester and she's happy, not upset, that I know about her being different. It makes me smile, just a little bit. "Yes. He's been teaching me a great deal about magic." She puts down the coffee and some bread, too. I'm not hungry, anymore, so I just take the coffee, with the mug hot in my hands.
"I hadn't thought that it would change the way my colors looked, but I suppose it makes sense that it does." she says, putting sugar in her coffee. I look down at my cup. Sugar's always something good to add, I think. Most things could do with more sugar. "He's a very good teacher. If you want to learn more from him, he'll make certain that you learn well.""I'm better now." In case she was worried. I don't want her to be worried. Or to think I'm just a little kid, because it used ( ... )
Reply
"Then I'm glad," I say, between bites of bread. "What changed, to make it better? Did you do something?"
It is the usual rhythm of an Alice-conversation, all twists and turns and leaps around corners that in her mind make a straight line, and the rest of us must simply try to follow as best we can. But this time, I have a few more clues as to where I must go - Ariadne leading me through the labyrinth.
"I'm not scared of it." Not scared of anything. Not really. And even if I am scared, even if, it's still okay. I belong to the big man. All that light can't get to me, if I'm in the shadows. "But I don't go there. I won't, I mean.""There's nothing wrong in being afraid. And I'm not angry at you for going there before," I make certain to add. "You didn't know yet that I didn't want you to go there, so you can't be blamed for it. ( ... )
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"My eyes got burnt up," I tell her, looking at the bread again. "The star lady got mad, that's what the big man said. And it was the day time, so his friend had to help." I'm not hungry. I wish we had cake. I'd be hungry for cake. "My eyes didn't hurt anymore after that." I shrug.
But then the wrong words keep coming out and Hermia keeps finding them.
"That's exactly what I meant," she says. "I know that you didn't mean to do what you did, and that you didn't want to hurt Micah. You were sorry when it happened, and then you learned and worked so that it wouldn't happen again." She knows. She knows about Micah and the woods and everything. And she isn't sore, not at all. "There's no shame in making mistakes - the real test is in what we do after we've made a mistake. I can speak to Chester, if you like, and see if he can teach you some more."I nod -- I can't find any words to say -- and let go of the mug because it's so hot and I was holding it too tight. It's probably good ( ... )
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"And…perhaps I made a mistake, when I said that dreams weren't real. We dream of things that are real, after all. People we know, places we've been. They're real when they're in the world, even if they're not real when they're in our dreams." I'm trying to find my way back, trying to follow her voice, but I feel lost. Away. "Is she the one who has been helping you control it?" And I'm not alone.
"Yes," I say, small and far away. I don't know if Hermia can hear me. I close my eyes. "No." And that's far away, too. I open my eyes and I can see my own lips move, for just a second. I can watch myself because I'm outside. "I control it."
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"Carol," I reply quietly. "So you…take control, when Alice is trying to focus her powers?" Where is she? Where is Alice? How can I bring her back?
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"So you…take control, when Alice is trying to focus her powers?"
I watch her in silence. I watch her breathe. I watch her blink. The woman who knows my name. "No." I tilt the head to the side. I feel the wood of the table under the hands. Real. "She hides. She is afraid. I am not afraid." The mouth smiles. I smile. "She is weak. I am not weak."
Her voice comes from a place far behind me. I do not listen. She is not important now.
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