Anyone can be a father...
Saturday, September 13th
The Market and park, early afternoon
Early fall is one of the best times of the year. The air is cooler, the apples are being harvested, the leaves are changing... it's the type of day where I cannot resist being outside. I dress Rose up in one of her new dresses, dropped off by Juliet Parson's mother a few days ago, and we head over to the market. The morning was spent roaming from stall to stall, sipping apple juice from the Abbey and picking up a few odds and ends while talking to half the town. Most everyone remarked on how big she is for only half a year old, and so bright, and such a delightful and beautiful child. Such lovely compliments made me beam with pride, and made my day even better... but Rose just grew quiet and thoughtful. The more people we talked to, the worse she got, so I left the market and headed over to the park.
As we walk along, I keep my thoughts light; pointing out the changing of the leaves and all the colorful mums as Rose keeps her arms around my neck and buries her face in my hair...
Mama... Am I really special? And pretty? And clever? Echoes in my mind, and I turn my face to kiss her cheek.
"Of course my little love." I assure her, finding a spot to sit by the pond. I very gently extract her arms from my neck and set her on my legs so we can 'talk' face to face. "I think you are the best girl in the world and I love you to the stars and back. But you know that." I tell her, taking her tiny hands and kissing them. "And everyone adores you. Tommi loves you, Uncle Lucien and Miss Lannie, The Pretty Man who make all your dresses special just for you, Uncle 'Eggo', Romana, Miss Zann, and Uncle Ares..." I could go on about all those that love her even knowing her parentage, but she suddenly bursts into tears, wailing. Her thoughts are a jumble, moving so fast I can't quite sort them, but what concerns me more is the sudden wind whipping through the trees about us. Only about us, and the slight tremor I can feel in the ground beneath us. "Rose honey, shhhhh.... shhhhh...., calm down." I croon soothingly, picking her up and rubbing her back. As her wails subside, so does the wind and the tremors. Well, that's new. I wonder if anyone else noticed.
Finally, her sobs turns to mere sniffles, and I move her again so I can look at her face. "What's all this about, my little love?" I ask her softly, wiping tears from her face.
Everyone loves me... but Father never will. Her little face is so sad, as are her thoughts. He wanted me, but He does not care. As her mother, I want to placate her, tell her that she's wrong...
"No, Rose. I am afraid he does not." I tell her simply. Her face crumples and the tears start again. Right now, in this moment, I hate him. "I cannot wish things were different, because wishing does not solve anything." My thoughts fly to those three happy days, and I push them gently back to their reliquary in my mind. "I can tell you that I wanted different for you. I can tell you that I thought that if he could love anything---" Trail off, because he won't. "I am sorry Rose. But I am afraid your father will never love you." Saying that out loud, telling it to a child... it pains me in a way I never knew existed. I shake my head and wipe away a tear of my own.
"And it's his loss." I say firmly, tilting her face up to mine with a fingertip. "I want you to know that. It's hisloss." There are still tears in her big green eyes, but she's quieted down and is listening. "I am sorry you miss him, and he is not a part of your life. I am sorry he does not love you. I am sorry he only wants you for what he thinks you can do for him." My poor little imp. So young; yet she understands all this and more than she should have to.
"But, my Rose. He does not matter..." She looks into my eyes, and I smile at her. "I love you. I love you so much. And I know you love me..." I recall the moments after her birth, and touch that memory of her healing me to her mind. Finally, she smiles, just a little. "And I will always love you. Not for what you can do or may do... just because I love you." I take her into my arms and cover her face with kisses. Rose giggles and gives me kisses back. "Always remember that my Rose, I love you. More than anyone in the world."
"Mama... luff... Mama." Rose says aloud in her halting speech, and I laugh and fall back on the grass and fly her above my head as I laugh happily. "And Mama luffs her Rose!" I laugh as I rise and spin about as I hold her in my arms.
"Ready to go back to the market?" I ask her as we start heading back towards Main Street. "Yes! Jooohse!"
"Juice and applesauce and pies and..."
Closed
The Market and park, early afternoon
Early fall is one of the best times of the year. The air is cooler, the apples are being harvested, the leaves are changing... it's the type of day where I cannot resist being outside. I dress Rose up in one of her new dresses, dropped off by Juliet Parson's mother a few days ago, and we head over to the market. The morning was spent roaming from stall to stall, sipping apple juice from the Abbey and picking up a few odds and ends while talking to half the town. Most everyone remarked on how big she is for only half a year old, and so bright, and such a delightful and beautiful child. Such lovely compliments made me beam with pride, and made my day even better... but Rose just grew quiet and thoughtful. The more people we talked to, the worse she got, so I left the market and headed over to the park.
As we walk along, I keep my thoughts light; pointing out the changing of the leaves and all the colorful mums as Rose keeps her arms around my neck and buries her face in my hair...
Mama... Am I really special? And pretty? And clever? Echoes in my mind, and I turn my face to kiss her cheek.
"Of course my little love." I assure her, finding a spot to sit by the pond. I very gently extract her arms from my neck and set her on my legs so we can 'talk' face to face. "I think you are the best girl in the world and I love you to the stars and back. But you know that." I tell her, taking her tiny hands and kissing them. "And everyone adores you. Tommi loves you, Uncle Lucien and Miss Lannie, The Pretty Man who make all your dresses special just for you, Uncle 'Eggo', Romana, Miss Zann, and Uncle Ares..." I could go on about all those that love her even knowing her parentage, but she suddenly bursts into tears, wailing. Her thoughts are a jumble, moving so fast I can't quite sort them, but what concerns me more is the sudden wind whipping through the trees about us. Only about us, and the slight tremor I can feel in the ground beneath us. "Rose honey, shhhhh.... shhhhh...., calm down." I croon soothingly, picking her up and rubbing her back. As her wails subside, so does the wind and the tremors. Well, that's new. I wonder if anyone else noticed.
Finally, her sobs turns to mere sniffles, and I move her again so I can look at her face. "What's all this about, my little love?" I ask her softly, wiping tears from her face.
Everyone loves me... but Father never will. Her little face is so sad, as are her thoughts. He wanted me, but He does not care. As her mother, I want to placate her, tell her that she's wrong...
"No, Rose. I am afraid he does not." I tell her simply. Her face crumples and the tears start again. Right now, in this moment, I hate him. "I cannot wish things were different, because wishing does not solve anything." My thoughts fly to those three happy days, and I push them gently back to their reliquary in my mind. "I can tell you that I wanted different for you. I can tell you that I thought that if he could love anything---" Trail off, because he won't. "I am sorry Rose. But I am afraid your father will never love you." Saying that out loud, telling it to a child... it pains me in a way I never knew existed. I shake my head and wipe away a tear of my own.
"And it's his loss." I say firmly, tilting her face up to mine with a fingertip. "I want you to know that. It's hisloss." There are still tears in her big green eyes, but she's quieted down and is listening. "I am sorry you miss him, and he is not a part of your life. I am sorry he does not love you. I am sorry he only wants you for what he thinks you can do for him." My poor little imp. So young; yet she understands all this and more than she should have to.
"But, my Rose. He does not matter..." She looks into my eyes, and I smile at her. "I love you. I love you so much. And I know you love me..." I recall the moments after her birth, and touch that memory of her healing me to her mind. Finally, she smiles, just a little. "And I will always love you. Not for what you can do or may do... just because I love you." I take her into my arms and cover her face with kisses. Rose giggles and gives me kisses back. "Always remember that my Rose, I love you. More than anyone in the world."
"Mama... luff... Mama." Rose says aloud in her halting speech, and I laugh and fall back on the grass and fly her above my head as I laugh happily. "And Mama luffs her Rose!" I laugh as I rise and spin about as I hold her in my arms.
"Ready to go back to the market?" I ask her as we start heading back towards Main Street. "Yes! Jooohse!"
"Juice and applesauce and pies and..."
Closed