From the ashes a fire shall be woken

[bakeneko_excolo]

Voronin Manor, Wednesday, October 14th, Dusk

The sun was in the sky when the ember went out. It should have been a flare. A blazing inferno. Loud and changing the world. I am left with echoing ash in the corner of my mind.

Boku recovered from the choked bite of the late breakfast. I wrapped myself tight in ash and let him have his day with the boy of

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[a_cheval]

Day off today. Stopped by the Boy to see Miss Miao, then met up with Boku to go riding. Cause I don't get enough of that every other day, course. Seen the smoke too, only it was right out the other side of town, and I don't reckon it was nowhere with folk in, cause there weren't much of a rush to stop it. Not much you can do when it's that far from the river anyway.

Boku's sorta... tense, a bit. I dunno. Kisses me harder and presses closer when I put my arms round him. Wonder if he's lost folks in a fire, maybe, before. Mean to ask him 'bout it, but it don't seem like the time, and then I sorta fall asleep anyway.

Dark when I wake up. No lamps burning and the quiet of the library all underneath me. Feels a bit spooky, and Boku ain't in bed no more, and it's cold up here, so I get up to see where he is. But he ain't nowhere, and I ain't quite sure what to do. Sit on his bed reading for all of five minutes, then fuck it, I pull my clothes on and my coat and my scarf and head out.

Head past the stable and whistle for Pollux, and he comes out all nudging at me and whining and darting all over the bloody road. Won't go nowhere till I tell him to find Boku, and even then he don't like going that way. I'd swear he looked lost half the time, 'cept for following Boku's track. Air's all clogged up with ashes before we even get there. Stink of smoke and charred wood and hot cracked earth and ash. Don't like it one bit. Pollux won't go in, damn pup, I have to leave him outside the gate.

Hell, I dunno what he's up to out here, I don't. Only it ain't Boku. See that soon as I get closer. Too big. Surprising how quiet my feet are in the ash, but he lifts his head up no trouble. Bite my lip, then go the rest of the way and put my hand on his big shoulder. "Come away," I say quietly. "Ain't safe, prob'ly."

[bakeneko_excolo]

I hear Pollux's whine first. Then the soft tread of Luke's feet in ash. Everything is ash. My eyes are dry, harsh with gritty salt, but his touch springs it loose. Hot tears against night. Against the darkness.

My knees still touch ash. "She is gone." Voices should not sound hollow. Grief is a selfish thing.

[a_cheval]

Know it ain't nice but I swear I nearly snatch my hand away when he speaks, cause it comes sorta sudden and even if it's real quiet it's real... just different. But I don't. "Who- um, who's gone?" Frown round at what's left of the place, and sure, there's a bit of wall here and there, old joists that ain't burnt quite through, slabs of marble cracked right in two.

"There weren't folks in here, surely?" Oh, god. That's horrible. When I look down the monster's crying, and I swear it twists something up inside me I never even knew was there. "you ain't had a friend in here, have you?" Fuck. And I never even knew, and all day it's been smouldering away, and... god.

Don't know what to call him, even. Crouch down next to him and touch his arm and tilt my head a bit, and it sounds sorta stupid but I say it anyway. "I'm real sorry. Maybe they weren't in here, though. Probably they're just staying at the Whitechapel, you know, till they get somewhere else to stay, or..."

[bakeneko_excolo]

He trails off as I shake my head. It is slow but certain. "She was here." I shape the words clearly despite my throat rough and tight. "Anushka Betsemianova Voronin. All ashes."

His eyes are heavy with compassion and, though the tears do not cease, I feel an easing within. "She was my first friend. First one to see me and smile, not shudder or cry out." I am not so young to think I shall have no others, not now that she opened the door. These things mean something. What else have you opened, oh my dear one?

My eyes focus on Luke once more and I remember something that I should tell him, "I kissed her. I did not realize the finality, it was a kiss goodbye."

[a_cheval]

Aw, hell. "I'm sorry. I'm real sorry." Yeah, Luke, cause that's making everything better. "She was my first friend. First one to see me and smile, not shudder or cry out." Remember first seeing him out by the river and how fucking shocked I was. Dunno that I yelled or nothing, but I'm damned sure I didn't exactly look pleased neither. Must've been pretty bloody steely for a girl, not even being bothered. I mean, I'm not being funny, but he does have claws. Mind, he ain't scary now. Not much, anyway. Just makes me sad, knowing he's had that happen. I've lost friends, and it ain't never easy. "I kissed her. I did not realize the finality, it was a kiss goodbye."

Just look at him, then nod. "Okay," I say, but I ain't got a clue what it even means, and it ain't the time even if suddenly I feel sorta tight through my chest. Friend, he said. "Okay, just, please come with me. It ain't good for you, staying here." Tell the truth I'm terrified there might be bits left, or else, bones, or... I don't know, and I'm so scared he might see something (or I might) and that would be so so bad. Pause a moment, then I put my arm round his shoulders and squeeze him against me. "Come on. Not far, if you don't want. Just over there by the wall. Or else back home and I'll make some tea." Samuel'd know what to do. Hell, Boku'd know. I don't even know if he drinks tea, and I don't even know if he'd like being hugged, or what.

[bakeneko_excolo]

He says okay but I do not think it is so. He pulls me against him and I let my head rest for a moment on his shoulder. I let him raise me up and curl my claws that they do not frighten him when he takes my hand. "The wall. I should not think to walk into town in this form and - and I am not yet willing to let it go."

We sit by the wall and I let the cool stone take away the feel of cinders. Instead of looking at the ashes I look at the garden. Then the stars. "I am trying very hard to not be selfish. She said I had pride. That is part of it I think. It is very hard sometimes." I am no longer sure the words that leave my lips have sense in them. But he is here and listening, and does not shudder when I lean my head on his lap and whisper, "I do not wish to be alone."

[a_cheval]

"I am trying very hard to not be selfish. She said I had pride. That is part of it I think. It is very hard sometimes." Slowly, he leans down in the burnt grass and rests his head in my lap. Shut my eyes, just for a moment, then I rest my hand on his head. Mostly he just feels warm and heavy, like anyone. "Being sad ain't selfish," I say. But I dunno that that's what he meant. 's hard to understand what he means, a bit, even he don't use so many long words as Boku. "And it ain't just you as has pride, neither." I seen Boku looking proud enough a few times. Hell, even I'm proud. Proud of Freya, proud of being good with the run, proud of having Boku, even.

Open my eyes. I got pretty good vision in the dark, and it's light enough with the moon to see the outlines of the burnt place, just about. "I do not wish to be alone."

"You ain't," I say. Just comes out in a whisper. Pretty clear tonight and the stars are real bright. "You ain't, you got the others, and you got me. I like you, I ain't afraid. I mean, sure, bit nervous, but that ain't the same. It ain't, I promise." Never thought it'd be like this when I finally talked with him properly. Never thought he'd be so quiet or so sad, or so like a person and not, all at once.

[bakeneko_excolo]

"Being sad ain't selfish," Sometimes I think every emotion is selfish. Perhaps that does not make it wrong. I turn to look up at him as he speaks of pride and looks at the stars. The starlight is cold and harsh on the planes of his face. Such sharp angles for what lies within. I feel a faint echo of what Boku does, an ache within at someone this lovely. Perhaps not shaped like my dear one in flames and will, or bound into loveliness like the teapot courtesan. A purity, like water from a deep sunk well. Or a horse flying over the plains.

I watch his mouth shape the words, his whisper falling into my ears. "You ain't, you got the others, and you got me. I like you, I ain't afraid. I mean, sure, bit nervous, but that ain't the same. It ain't, I promise." I have him.

I stand and draw him up with me, giving one last look to the ashes. Then all of my sight is for Luke. Wrapping my arms around him, I feel his heart beat speed as I lean my head over his. One rasp of the tongue along the back of his neck. A taste and grooming and promise. Then I stretch...

My arms are about him and I bury my head into his neck. I had not known her, except through Monster. But his grief is laced through us all, now that he has loosed it.

[a_cheval]

Somewhere along the line I've started petting him a bit without noticing. Hope he don't mind, maybe it's sorta rude. But he don't seem bothered. Then he pulls me up with him and gives the ruins a long look. I hope his friend weren't in there, I do, but he seemed so sure... and he seems like he'd knows lots of stuff like that. Never thought of that neither, that he'd seem so wise. Hug him back when he hugs me, and it's really weird but I ain't nervous at all, and it's a bit like when I hug Freya and put my cheek up against her neck. Same feeling, all warm and strong, then this rough tongue on the back of my neck and I gasp-

Then he's Boku again, don't even have to open my eyes to know that, and I tighten my arms and hold onto him so tight, and not just cause he's sad and I don't want him to be sad no more, but cause I ain't got much of a clue what just happened and my heart's racing a bit. Cup the back of his neck and kiss over his cheek, then I'm tugging him back to where Pollux is waiting and brushing a bit of ash off his chin. "Come on, you're all cold. Walk'll do you good. I'm sorry." Look up at him to say that, and I don't even know that he met monster's friend, but all the same, don't take a genius to work out he'd have to feel it too, somehow.

[bakeneko_excolo]

I am afraid I cling to his hand a bit as he leads me away. Pollux greets me somberly with a nudge of his head under my free hand. I keep it there as we walk. He has gotten quite large.

My mind does not settle, but notices small things like the grip of Luke's hand, the rough fur at the crown of the dog's head, the night wind carrying the sharp smell of winter. I do not speak until we are back in the attic. Raising my eyes to Luke as he settles a pot of tea at the table.

"I never met her. Is it foolish to mourn someone you have met only in memories?" Pollux sniffed cursorily around the attic, but settled himself with a sigh. My hand strokes his side and I lean against Luke, drawing them about me like a warm blanket.

[a_cheval]

"Nope. Ain't ever foolish to be sad when someone dies. 's always sad." And it is. Even with folk you don't like, like when Mr Brosius come off his roof last winter nailing the tin down again. I never liked him much, but it was sad all the same. And there's a bit of me settles when he says that, too. There's that. Frown at myself a bit, cause, well, it's Boku. Don't have to worry 'bout him like that.

Pour him out a cup then pull him back against me, arms round his waist, breathing against the back of his neck. Like just holding him, and Pollux leans up against him too, even though I reckon that's mostly cause he knows he'll get petted. Like just sitting with him while he drinks his tea and gets a bit warmer, and the smell of his skin and how it don't matter how tight I hold him. "Thanks," I say, eventually. "Letting me to talk to the monster like that. Or... I guess more that I'm glad he didn't mind talking to me."

[bakeneko_excolo]

Wrapped in Luke and taking quiet sips of peace with the tea I slowly feel the ashes swept back into their corner. Wrapped up and cherished and put away.

I am about to say that I seldom let Monster do anything. But he rephrases and I nod. "He quite likes you. Thank you for comforting him so, I... we are glad you are in our life."

Bringing his hand up, I kiss the back and wrap it tight around me once more. I wish to tell him more, but I have no more words inside. Instead, I curl myself into him and listen to his heartbeat, reassured by its steady rhythm.

[a_cheval]

Smile into the back of his hair, hearing that. Like knowing he likes me. I mean, 's always good having dangerous stuff on your side rather than not, but it ain't that. 's just I reckon I like him too. "Me too," I say. Mind, he probably knows. Think about Neko in the stable the other day, and how excited she got when I took her to meet Gyllir. Knew she'd like him, cause he's coloured like the cat. "All of you."

He curls up against me and I pull him in. Hell even Pollux rests his head on Boku's knee, looking all mournful up at him. Ain't like his usual mournful look, mind, which mainly he just does to make folk pet him. Dunno what's going on with that damn dog today. "I lost a friend once. He didn't die-" I say quickly, cause I know it ain't the same. "But a best mate. And it's horrible. So I sorta know, a bit."

[bakeneko_excolo]

"All of you."

Like stretching and everything coming into alignment, or cogs fitting correctly, his words sink into us and everything feels right. He offers his own experience as sympathy. "In Dry Run? I am so sorry for you." I wonder whether it is the Nathaniel. The one who went to the truck that was more fossil than anything else. I shall not ask, if he should tell me it is good, if not it is alright as well.

Pollux seems distressed as well. He does seem to have an unusual sensitivity for a canine. Perhaps he is aware of our own sadness. I lean back and kiss the side of Luke's neck and take solace in his arms.

[a_cheval]

Shake my head a bit, cause it's alright. Ain't something as makes me real sad no more, 'cept in a dull sorta way. Before I come to Excolo it did, cause I'd see him round Dry Run, sometimes, and that was the worst, specially if he was with folks as I'd fought with or something. But all that seems much further off sitting with him. "Nah, s'okay." He kisses the side of my neck, and I smile a bit, running my hand through his hair.

Quiet then, the both of us. Stay where we are a good while, then I take his clothes off, hoping he don't really notice there's bits of ash on 'em. He lets me, just watching me and I like feeling like I can take care of someone too, for once. Then I take him to bed and just sleep.

Wake up once, in the night. 'Bout a couple of hours till dawn yet, and we're tangled up and I can feel him all warm up against me but I can't really see nothing. He moves a bit in his sleep, and says something real quiet in Japanese that I don't understand, and his hair falls against my face. I lie there trying not to move so's I don't wake him up and wondering, if he's asleep in there, are the others awake? How's it work? And I think 'bout the monster with his head in my lap and then his tongue all rough on the back of my neck, and I wonder if he's in there and what he's thinking about. I hope he ain't feeling too bad.