I know that things are going wrong for me

[karina_vb]

Afternoon of Day 126. Day 22 without sleep.
Home.

I shouldn't be outside, but I like the fresh air as it rains. We don't have a chair that rocks inside. So I sit and I rock, likely looking as mad as I feel, and listen for Erzebet's movements.

I don't like what she's doing. I don't like her. I think I've lost Valmont's confidence in me, in

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[karina_vb]

I can't remember if I know Luke, but Erzebet stirs beneath my surface at the mention of his name. It takes me a moment, but suddenly I realize that she's crouched next to me and I smile. How unladylike.

"Oh, Zann, no need to crouch." With a hand I motion to the other seat. "I don't believe Luke and I have met formally, but I am glad we finally have a postman in this town."

"...Cold nights, earlier dark. Makes the lights on the fairground look really pretty, though." I let my eyes lose focus for a moment and I imagine what it must look like, the quiet of a cold, dark evening with the lights lit like that. Of course, I could see it from over the river, but it's not quite the same. "How're you and--Maryk? And the election for mayor's real soon, right? I hope you win." My eyes regain focus and I look over at her.

"We're well, thank you. Yes, not much longer until the election. I fear for the town if I don't win," I confess and take hold of her hand. My eyes go to her again and I look over her for a moment. Something seems...off. If I notice in my state, it must be something. "Did you cut your hair, Zann?"

[tereixa_zann]

"Oh, Zann, no need to crouch," and I'm gonna wave it off when she waves towards another chair, and okay, yeah, it's all about being polite. "I don't believe Luke and I have met formally, but I am glad we finally have a postman in this town." Nod and frown a little, 'cause damn, cool that you guys can still leave town.

Looks all dreamy for a minute when I talk about the lights, and I smile a little, and then her gaze clears and she looks at me. "We're well, thank you. Yes, not much longer until the election. I fear for the town if I don't win," and she holds my hand, and I squeeze hers a little. It's cold, and I guess it's just the weather, but... Nice to know she cares about Excolo, though.

"Yeah. I heard a couple of people talking about the guy you're running against--Reaves, right?" I wrinkle my nose; yeah, they had great things to say about them, but the kind of things they were approving of are the kind of things that make me want to hit the road. Some towns just don't suit.

"Did you cut your hair, Zann?"

"Not lately. I mean, I didn’t really cut it, but it all got scorched off back a couple of months ago," I say, and then realize how that might sound. "Not at the Carnival, or anything!" I add hastily. "Figure it'll be back to where it used to be by Hallowe'en." Was I wearing a hat at her housewarming? I think I was.

[karina_vb]

I nod my head lazily as she speaks of him. Reaves. I feel a strange new dislike for him, almost a hate that wasn't there before and I puzzle at it a little.

"Yes, Reaves. He has very different ideas. Isolation and separation. Things I don't really approve of," I add.

"Not lately. I mean, I didn’t really cut it, but it all got scorched off back a couple of months ago. Not at the Carnival, or anything!" she adds quickly. "Figure it'll be back to where it used to be by Hallowe'en." I tilt my head and look at her a bit, wondering how on Earth her hair got scorched off. And why I don't know. I used to know everything that happened in this town and now I feel as if I'm living on the edges of it.

"I hope it grows back better than before," I finally say and squeeze her hand. "Aside from losing your hair in a fight with a fire, what have you been up to?"

[tereixa_zann]

"Yes, Reaves. He has very different ideas. Isolation and separation. Things I don't really approve of.” Nods her head like she’s dozing a bit, and she sounds a bit far-away. Guess the mayor thing is really kicking her in the teeth, she looks like she’s been run to that funny place on the other side of exhaustion where everything feels fine, and nothing worries you, and if you try and actually get any work done you only find out your judgement’s off and your reflexes are shot when you lose a couple of fingers.

"I hope it grows back better than before," and I grin as she squeezes my hand, ‘cause that’s just a nice thing to say, it really is. "Aside from losing your hair in a fight with a fire, what have you been up to?"

“Getting the machines ready for winter--oh god, the ice we’re getting overnight? It’s hell, I tell you. And I broke up with my girl,” I say thoughtfully, and I’d say I don’t know why I’m bringing that up but I do. I want to say it to someone who doesn’t know Genny and feel bad for her or angry at me or both, and hell, Karina ran the whorehouse, right, before she started the mayor thing? She can’t have her nose too far up in the air over girls kissing girls. “Nothing bad,” which is a lie, but not anything I’m gonna feel guilty over, “it just wasn’t working out. But I miss her, you know?” I glance up the underside of the porch, listening to the rain drum down, and it’s a nice sound, cosy. “You’n Maryk are lucky, getting along well enough to live together and everything.”

[karina_vb]

I feel a little hitch in the air when she mentions she and "her girl" breaking up. My hand squeezes hers again and my problems drift off a little ways, even though her saying that Maryk and I are lucky makes my heart squeeze at all I've done to him and what I almost did to him last night, even if I weren't in charge.

"I'm so sorry, Zann." I turn my body and look at her straight on. "I'm sure you do miss her. I...I've never had anyone before Maryk, but I know what it's like to be without someone you love. It hurts very deeply." I squeeze her hand again in mine and then reach over to pat them both. "It's no consolation, I know, but I am here if you ever need anything." I smile at myself and wonder if I'll just start collecting wayward girls.

[tereixa_zann]

"I'm so sorry, Zann. I'm sure you do miss her. I...I've never had anyone before Maryk, but I know what it's like to be without someone you love." Guess she probably has to--whoops, had to--mop up people who're feeling like that a lot. Wonder if I should see about cashing in that freebie with Adonis... "It hurts very deeply."

We squeeze hand, and she puts hers gently over ours. "It's no consolation, I know, but I am here if you ever need anything."

"That's sweet, it really is," I say, smiling. "Can't think of anything, though. I mean breakups suck--" oh, jeez, I guess she might not know that, and isn't that a weird thought-- "but I think it went, I don't know. As well as it coulda. She's still talking to me, you know." I kind of shrug. "I mean, she would if we had anything to say."

I wonder for a second if I should say something, but she's been nice, and if she gets pissed at me I guess she won't get pissed at anyone she'd be really upset about getting pissed off, if that kinda makes sense. "Are you okay? I mean, the election and everything's gotta be a huge thing to deal with, and I just wondered how you were doing."

[karina_vb]

I nod and listen, although I have no experience in relationships. Not like normal people do, I suppose. I can understand not having anything left to say. Adonis and I have nothing left between us. That's kind of like a break-up.

"Are you okay? I mean, the election and everything's gotta be a huge thing to deal with, and I just wondered how you were doing." I almost jump at her question. I'd practically forgotten she was there. For a moment, I feel tears threaten to well up and I want to pour it all out, just talk to someone who isn't so close they might break if they knew what was happening. But then it's all dark and I realize I've been shut out again.

"I'm fine," I say through Karina's lips and they move into a kind smile. "Thank you for asking. It is a lot to deal with, but so was Follow Me Boy and that, well, I made that the best establishment in this little town." I loosen Karina's hands from the girl's. Hand-holding has always struck me as weak.

[tereixa_zann]

For a second I think she's gonna cry, and I'm reaching my free hand out to her. And then all the loose shakiness of her draws up fine and neat, like guidewires being drawn into measured lines for a flyer's show, and she smiles sweet and gentle. Return the smile, but damn, suddenly she's reminding me of--kind of of Svetlana, of all things, all milk-pale and blood-red and so so fine.

Jesus, that's... kind of odd. Guess she'd have to be a good actress, good at showing people what she wants to and what they want to see, but damn she did it scary fast and smooth.

"I'm fine. Thank you for asking," she says. "It is a lot to deal with, but so was Follow Me Boy and that, well, I made that the best establishment in this little town." She's not holding my hand as close, and that'd be good if she didn't feel like she needed to, but I can't tell if it's that or just being shut out, and I think it's the latter.

"I heard. It's lovely, it really is, and I mean... I don't visit--" I almost say whorehouse and then correct myself-- "brothel's a lot, but I've seen theatres that aren't half as lovely." Run my hand back through my hair and look for something to say. "Why'd you give it up? I mean, I guess it might be hard to run a house and a town, but the 'Boy's lovely." She wouldn't have put that much into it if it was just a stopgap until she raked up... whatever she thought she needed to run, would she?

[karina_vb]

I look at her a moment before answering.

"It was time to let it go. I made a poor decision, an exchange that required the loss of the business if I were to break it." The candor surprises even me, but I hide it well and press Karina back again. I do allow her one thing, though. "Never go to the Tower, Child. That thing brings no one any good."

My grip on Karina is loosening, I can feel it, and I don't know why. She breaks through for just a moment, controlling her eyes for just a moment before I can wrench them back. Suddenly I stand and go into the house. This conversation cannot continue.

Karina looks back, placing a hand to the window. There is no struggle after that. Obediently she lets me lead her upstairs to attempt once again to sleep. Always in vain.

[tereixa_zann]

"It was time to let it go. I made a poor decision, an exchange that required the loss of the business if I were to break it. Never go to the Tower, Child. That thing brings no one any good," and I pull back a bit because I'm thinking of Anushka again, her warning and that time I spent with her when she showed me the world in a chandelier crystal and let me hold her while the rain came down all kind of mixed up, weaving in and out of each other. And Karina's eyes suddenly go desperate and horrified, and I see tears shining in them, and of course I'm reaching out for her, who wouldn't? But she stands up and goes inside and leaves me feeling like I've tried to catch the light from a sparkler and had it puff to dust between my fingers.

What the hell?

I turn towards Karina and I'm getting up--and I mean, I don't think I'd dare follow her into her house when she's shut the door behind her, but I'm wishing I could do something. And her palm presses up against the window, sudden expression of skin swimming up from the shadows behind the glass, like Thalassa up against the edge of her tank before she sank back down and away.

I stand there for a minute, shaking my head and--not trying to make sense of it, exactly, I don't know enough about what's going on to do that. So she dealt with Kent once, I guess, and then gave up the 'Boy when she walked away--I can feature that, I guess. But she looks horrible, and she's switching between two ways of carrying herself, and...

Not sure Syl'd help and anyway she's lost it lately. I guess it's more of a townie thing, but I don't think it's the kind of thing you go to the Sheriff about even if she's as nice as everyone says. Miss Miao maybe? Or the Doc?

I'll leave in a minute but for now I just stand with the rain coming down all around the porch and tying the earth to the sky in the hush of the day's cool air, and God but I have no idea what I should do.