Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads

[a_cheval]

Evening, the libraryFair to say my estimation of Miss O'Hara from the stores ain't been higher. She done something good getting folk together to find out stuff about gods, even if it's just a start. Did wonder if Boku'd say more, but it seems like he's thinking on it and I reckon I got a lot in my head as needs thinking on too. Lately I ain't

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[a_cheval]

Bit different up here since I been last, sorta neater, I guess, and I spot the card I give Neko on this little shelf and don't that make me all pleased. She's real sweet, all serious like, and I duck my head a bit thinking she kept it, or- he- they kept it, or... "I think humans have always had the capability, I was created from such magic." I know he reckons that 'bout folks, and I guess it's true, but I dunno... "Sure," I say, "but it seems like that's... that's fine for everyone at once, but then I think of just... folk on their own, individuals, and I can't think who. 'Cept once Miss Hermia told me she was learning magic. But Miss Hermia ain't a witch, is she?"

He nods to the map on the wall - seems like there's more maps now - and I go over and look at it, all these little dots clustering in round Excolo. Makes me feel like I want to look out the window and see if I can see 'em there, they got such a feeling of- of realness to 'em. "I think the forces that are drawing so many powers here are accelerating that into a greater force, however. This can be for good or ill."

"Yeah, well, you ain't wrong there," I say, putting my books down on a little table. "I don't like the thought of folks doing magic," I say, frowning a bit and turning to look at him. Just sorta comes out before I get a chance to stop it. "It don't seem right at all."

[bakeneko_excolo]

"Sure, but it seems like that's... that's fine for everyone at once, but then I think of just... folk on their own, individuals, and I can't think who. 'Cept once Miss Hermia told me she was learning magic. But Miss Hermia ain't a witch, is she?"

I pause and try and parse what he means. If Hermia is learning magic, it could be witchcraft, but I feel there is a bigger question here. "What do you mean by witch? I am afraid the translation of witch, wizard, warlock, shaman and priest can all be very different in both languages and cultures." He continues then, "I don't like the thought of folks doing magic. It don't seem right at all."

I sit and look carefully at him a moment, but I can only tell him as I think, "I have always felt that magic was a tool. Like a kitchen knife, or a sword. They can be used to make dinner, protect a family, or kill someone. It is the acts that always mattered to me, not the tools." My eyes return to all of the red dots among the blue, "I am afraid we shall need as many tools as we have available. It is getting worse."

At that, I think of my own actions the other night in the wood. "Luke-kun, I have something to tell you, I am afraid you shall not be pleased..."

[a_cheval]

"Well, just... a witch, I dunno." Rub my hand through my hair and wrinkle my nose a bit. All I can think of is how folk were back in Dry Run When Elise and her sister done them spells over boys they liked and folk wanted 'em kicked out of town for talking to the devil. I'll have to think on that, I reckon. "I have always felt that magic was a tool. Like a kitchen knife, or a sword. They can be used to make dinner, protect a family, or kill someone. It is the acts that always mattered to me, not the tools."

Well, sure, there's plenty of stuff I'd do that Samuel'd say was bad (not like that) if I reckoned it'd be for something good in the end, so I guess he's right. But still, it feels like cheating, almost, like if you're going to fight against something, you'd better fight being you and not pretending to be it, else you're both as bad as each other. "I am afraid we shall need as many tools as we have available. It is getting worse." Seeing him worried makes me afraid, a bit, and I just nod sorta quiet like and lick my bottom lip. "I guess," I say. "But I don't reckon I'll be trying my hand at magic, I have to say. I'd rather stay me and- and do what I have to that way." Smile at him a bit. "Worked so far." But he's looking all serious, now. "Luke-kun, I have something to tell you, I am afraid you shall not be pleased..."

"Oh god," I say, then bite my lip. "Sorry. Um. What?"

[bakeneko_excolo]

"Oh god. Sorry. Um. What?"

I suppose I should not start so dramatically, although it is a rather dramatic thing. I want to keep my eyes upon his, but they keep dropping to my hands. "The other night, after we had dinner last, I went to the woods." He makes a sound and I meet his eyes then. "I fought him. We fought him. I do not think he is dead, but he would have been had he been anything less than what he is..."

Koneko remarks softly in the back of my head and my mouth twists, "I believe you could say we, 'beat the everloving shit out of him'." I do not wish him to be upset with me, but we shall do it again. Again and again until we know he is safe from petty deities who use my loved ones as pieces to their silly games.

[a_cheval]

Him? Who the fuck is him? I swear to fucking god if he's been off fighting Ares I- I'll-

Oh shit. "The hound god," I say, staring at him. I dunno if that's better or worse. Probably worse. I dunno why, but it is. Think of its eyes looking at me from the edge of the wood, think of it shaking its head and all blood and shattered bone and bits of meat spattering up my leg, think of the noise it made when I shot it, think of it pulling at my foot till Freya couldn't run against its pull no more. Think of the noises coming out the wood at night, now, and the deer all torn up (and the bodies from the road all torn up, too, even if that don't even belong in there) and I feel all lightheaded. You don't go looking for things like that. I don't care who you are you don't go fucking looking in the night, when I ain't even s'posed to say its name, for things like that. "I believe you could say we, 'beat the everloving shit out of him'."

Is he smirking?! Grab him by the front of his shirt and yank him up on his feet, trying to look for wounds on him or bruises or marks or something. "You fucking idiot, you stupid fucking... how- how can you think- how-" But there ain't nothing. Slowly I let him go, breathing sorta unsteady. "Why ain't you hurt?" I say, swallowing and flushing a bit when I realise I been tugging at his clothes.

[bakeneko_excolo]

I do not think either of us breathe for the span of three heartbeats, I count them... Then he hauls me to my feet and is cursing and handling me about as I am too stunned to protest. "Why ain't you hurt?"

"He barely touched me, a gash upon the thigh only. I had Kaeli-san check it the next morning, but it had healed by then," my eyes drift to the maps upon the wall. "The powers are shifting." I shift my shoulders to straighten my shirt where it hangs awkwardly. "He was unthinking, slow moving, or I was faster than the last time. I am unsure which..." I look up at his face and my own settles into firm lines, "He was a menace. I could not...he hurt you, Keibo-kun!"

[a_cheval]

Half want to ask to see it's healed, but I don't. He's looking at the map on the wall, and rolling his shoulders and something 'bout that makes me get all confused so I just nod to what he's saying. "He was a menace. I could not...he hurt you, Keibo-kun!" Oh, god.

"He's a god," I say, but I reckon he probably noticed that just fine for himself. "You can't go round beating the shit out of gods, they-" Look at him for a while then, and he's got his look on his face I've only seen once before, and I don't like thinking of that day too much, specially not now, specially when I know I made him so sad, and I reckon, now I seen this, I made him angry too, and frightened, cause I didn't know enough, cause I didn't see it. So much I got to keep pressed down so it don't come into my head. So fucking much. My heart's beating real hard.

"Maybe you can." Just comes out in a whisper. "Maybe you can do that, if you want to, but they ain't- you can't trust 'em, they'll... they'll hurt you - any way they can, and you ain't to let 'em hurt you. You hear me? You ain't to let 'em hurt you, Boku, I swear to god, not cause of me, don't let 'em hurt you cause of me, I couldn't stand it. What if he ain't been moving slow, what if you ain't been faster, what then? What happens then?"

[bakeneko_excolo]

I open my mouth to protest, but he is right. It was foolish to go after him so, "You can't go round beating the shit out of gods, they-" He stops and I am half afraid of what he will say next. Without thinking I reach out desperately for his hand.

"Maybe you can. Maybe you can do that, if you want to, but they ain't- you can't trust 'em, they'll... they'll hurt you - any way they can, and you ain't to let 'em hurt you. You hear me? You ain't to let 'em hurt you, Boku, I swear to god, not cause of me, don't let 'em hurt you cause of me, I couldn't stand it. What if he ain't been moving slow, what if you ain't been faster, what then? What happens then?"

With every sentence I move closer. His whisper holds a fierceness I have not heard before. When he stops, we are face to face and I nod solemnly. "If I can help it Luke-kun, I shall not do so again." I carefully do not mention to what lengths I would go to protect Luke from that very hurt.

[a_cheval]

He grabs my hand and I hold his real tight, so tight and I'm afraid to let go soon as I got his hand in mine. He comes up close to me while I'm talking, and he keeps looking at me but I don't stop till I'm done. Then he nods and I'm trying real hard to see if he means what he says. "If I can help it Luke-kun, I shall not do so again."

"Okay," I say, but I hate that he felt like he had to, and I hate that folk reckon they got to look after me when I was fine before all this god shit started up, and I'm scared fucking shitless they'll hurt him, and I'm frightened he'll start resenting me for needing looking after like Ares done. Fuck. Fuck, don't think about that, Luke.

"I hate the gods," I say, grinding it out between my teeth. "I fucking hate 'em."

[bakeneko_excolo]

He says it is okay, but he is so upset. I see it in his face. "I hate the gods. I fucking hate 'em." I nod and squeeze his hand tightly, "Hai, damn deities. Damn them all."

I pull him close then and hold him tightly, wrapping my arm around his waist and whispering in his ear, "I am so sorry, Keibo-kun, suimasen." I feel my heart pound in grief at the panic I caused in him, at the worry, at the feel of him in my arms and how my hasty actions could have ruined this precious new thing between us.

[a_cheval]

He pulls me in and at first I ain't sure if I want to go, cause I got to be careful 'bout folk being nice to me these days, cause it makes me sad as often as not, only by the time I've thought of that I do seem to be leaning up against him and the breath keeps catching in my chest. "I am so sorry, Keibo-kun, suimasen."

"Don't you be sorry," I say, and I swear I'm almost glaring at him a moment. "Don't you be sorry else we'll both be sorry and I dunno- I-" Shake my head to try and clear it and I don't fucking know who to be cross at no more, or who be scared of, or who to trust with anything, cause I trust him, I do trust him with everything I got, only look where that's fucking got me up to now, trusting folk, and I don't trust them and they ain't even very good fucking teachers even, who the fucking hell needs to know the latin for poetry, it ain't no fucking use at all!

Pull back and rub my forehead, just looking down at the ground, my face all fucking red and I can't think straight and I feel like it's all pushing back into my head and I can't stop it. "I'm real sorry," I say. "I'm real sorry, I got-" But I can't even think of an excuse to leave, so I just stand there.

[bakeneko_excolo]

I am silent as he glares at me, as he commands me to not. It is true, my apology is self indulgent when it was my choice to do so in the first place. He pulls away and I keep myself from reaching for him, but only barely.

"I'm real sorry, I'm real sorry, I got-" Before I can help it I speak, low and almost desperate, "Please, Luke-kun, do not go." I see my hand reach out for him again and pull back. Instead, I turn around and look out the window, "Please do not leave like this. We do not have to speak of hard things, not if you do not wish it."

[a_cheval]

"Please, Luke-kun, do not go." Oh fuck me, does he think I don't want to be here? I do. I just don't want to spoil it. "Please do not leave like this. We do not have to speak of hard things, not if you do not wish it." Shake my head, but seeing him looking like that with his back to me grabs me round the fucking heart and I'm so fucking scared he don't want to look at me no more, even if he is saying not to leave.

I want so much to go up and hold him real tight, but it ain't fair to be clinging to someone and asking 'em to cheer you up over stuff like this. "I don't want to go, I been waiting to see you all- well, since yesterday, you don't know how it keeps me going knowing I get to see you, but it ain't fair to get upset over him with you, it ain't fair at all. You think I want to be upset over someone like that?" Swallow and try and keep my voice level, but it keeps doing that fucking wavery thing that I hate.

"I don't, I fucking don't, I don't like it inside me fucking eating away, I'm so sick of it but I don't know how to get that stuff out my head no matter what I do, it keeps coming back. He- he laughed at me, when I went to see him. Fucking laughed and said I- I was stupid and I was, okay, I fucking was. Shouldn't even matter what he said. Shouldn't even care what he fucking thinks, only- only it still hurts when someone goes at you like that and won't fucking stop it and you don't even know why." Probably this ain't how to do it. Ain't like I should even say this stuff to him, didn't mean to, didn't want to, but I don't know who else to say it to, and it seemed like once I started I couldn't stop, and now I just feel half empty.

This is probably one of the shittiest things I ever did. "I'm real sorry," I say, and my throat ain't tight no more. "I'm real sorry, I- I shouldn't be doing this here. Ain't fair."

[bakeneko_excolo]

"I don't want to go," I close my eyes and let loose a silent sigh at the first sentence. "I been waiting to see you all- well, since yesterday, you don't know how it keeps me going knowing I get to see you, but it ain't fair to get upset over him with you, it ain't fair at all. You think I want to be upset over someone like that?"

I slowly turn around at that and kneel on the floor, looking at him, nodding any time he pauses. I realize soon of whom he is speaking. Thinking back to the last I saw Ares, the coldness seems to have sunk deeper than his face. He laughed and said what?!

I rise then and am crossing to him as he tries to apologize. "Iie, no and no again, Luke-kun. That was..." I breathe deeply and calm my voice, "That was cruel and unacceptable. And you should never apologize for telling me what is in your heart." I reach for him then, just my hand for his. "You did not deserve to be treated so by someone you cared for..." I run out of words then, words for how much I ache for his pain and want to always be the one to whom he can say anything.

[a_cheval]

"Iie, no and no again, Luke-kun. That was... That was cruel and unacceptable. And you should never apologize for telling me what is in your heart." And he reaches out and takes my hand, then. Reckon I might be smiling a bit, that sorta sad smile I seen folks do sometimes. "You did not deserve to be treated so by someone you cared for..." I don't know how he says this stuff and means it. I don't.

"Yep," I say, just that, cause I fucking agree, even if sometimes I might think otherwise. Even if I still feel this horrible fucking shame over it, and worse, even if I still feel that bit of doubt, that maybe it was me, maybe I done wrong by him, and I feel sorta bad too. All of that, sure. But it ain't this great pressure building up no more. He's looking at me so sad and serious and I don't really know what to say, 'cept for being sorry, and I reach out and touch his cheek, just lightly, feeling almost sorry my finger's're sorta rough compared to his skin and sliding 'em down over his cheekbone and along his jaw. Sorta calms me down, but I still feel all weird and empty. Shut my eyes and rub my face (and it's wet, and I never even noticed) and say, "I like where you've kept my card, Neko, it looks real nice. Glad you liked it."

Then I slide my arms round his waist from behind so I can look at the maps on the wall and I hold him real tight, hands all gripping his shirt, and I breathe the smell of his hair and I say, cause frankly I have been wondering, "you got the bible in Japan?"

[bakeneko_excolo]

He lets me take his hand and his smile is bittersweet to match the tears on his face. I bite my lips slightly to keep from licking them. The thought of grooming the tears from his face with my tongue is not entirely appropriate at this stage of our relationship I believe. The teeth sink a little deeper as he reaches out to touch me, calluses on his hands a rough counterpoint to the soft skin of his throat and lips.

"I like where you've kept my card, Neko, it looks real nice. Glad you liked it." I blink for a moment, not quite understanding and then she nudges me. "She says thank you very much. She is very happy that you were the first one to give her a birthday card."

Then everything slips into place once more as he wraps himself around me to look over my shoulder at my wall. "you got the bible in Japan?" It is so unexpected that my head falls back upon his shoulder and I start laughing softly. I grab onto his hands when he feels he may pull away, but I am still giggling between my words. "No, no, I am sorry Luke-kun...it was just a surprising question." I pull him tighter, my arms crossed to hold his. "There were missionaries that brought the bible long ago to Japan. Before that the monks brought Buddhism. I think sometimes that Japan is a nation where everything is brought eventually."