I finally got the puppet show banner done and oh heck I like the way it turned out! Somehow I got the shadows just right so the puppets look almost like they're comin' out at you. But it still ain't nearly as good as the one I did yesterday after I came home, late at night, with my blood makin' Tez's snow shimmer and his mountains freeze against that black sky.
Tezcatlipoca. It's the best stuff I ever done...
My arm hurts a little where the easel's pushin' against the bandages now, but I don't care 'cause I've got those snowflakes floatin' in my head, can still see 'em in front of me if I think hard enough. And I can still feel Tez's arm 'round me, strong and safe, and the jaguar taking away my tears, standing by me all warm in the cold. If that ain't family I don't know what is.
It's gettin' dark,not enough for stars, but pretty close, when I come back over the bridge to the carnival, wanderin' along the river's edge. I ain't used to gettin' to know a place so well that I can walk it without thinkin' 'bout it.
But there's another little shape in the dim light, dark black dress and light gold hair and oh heck oh heck. I didn't want her to come in now, I ain't planned nothin', I had it all in my head this mornin' and now it's all gone...
I gulp, shift my easel up under my arm, and go up to her. "Um...hey, Danika?"
I have existed long enough - and dealt with mortals more than long enough - to recognise that tone. It is not the shy uncertainty of a new lover. No; it is tinged with guilt.
Genny is about to tell me, very sadly - she will probably cry - that she has finally made it to bed with Zann. There is a certain absurdity in that this is the second time this has happened to me this week, and had I not made such a concerted effort to make Danika so shy, so soft, so not at all dazzling, I might be offended. But Zann is a pretty pinwheel, and Genny will follow her. I knew that as soon as I saw her. And Zann was fascinated by Kent; and Genny is fascinated by Tezcatlipoca. Their union may serve me well.
I do not indicate that I know any of this. Instead I smile nervously, and fiddle with my bag.
"Hey," I say, as if I have been holding the word in my mouth for days. "Hey, Genny." And I look to my left and right, very carefully, and then dart forward as if I am doing something very daring and kiss her on the lips.
She's smilin' all sweet'n shy like she always does, still pretty watercolor pale in the sunset, still got a dress the wrong color for her and it's weird how that makes me want to pick her up and keep her safe. And makes me want to dig a hole and go away. Oh princess, I don't want to be the dragon...
"Hey. Hey, Genny."
And then - oh heck why'd she have to go and kiss me? It's nice and it's sweet and she's still real pretty, and sure I kiss back, but...oh, it ain't the same. I hope Zann don't see me. I gulp. Can't look Danika all the way in the eye. Oh heck I hope she thinks I'm just bein' shy...
"Hey," I say again, even though we've both said it 'bout twelve times now. "Um. How you been? Is, um, is your ma feelin' okay?"
She kisses me back. How interesting. Genny is not so noble that she will draw back, say her lips belong to another, and all those other worthy songs. Instead she has guilt coiled in her belly. Like a snake.
Guilt can be such a useful device.
"Um. How you been? Is, um, is your ma feelin' okay?"
"I've been good!" I say brightly. "I mean, you know, since." I stop and blush. "Well, I've been thinking about you. So I brought you this." I reach into my bag and bring out a jam jar that has been carefully painted with a floral motif. "I thought you could use it to, you know, keep paint brushes in or something." I smile a bit anxiously at her. "And my ma's okay I guess. Same as usual." My mouth turns down a little at the corner. "But I haven't been so worried about that this week," I say, and give her another hesitant smile.
"I've been good!" I say brightly. "I mean, you know, since." I stop and blush. "Well, I've been thinking about you. So I brought you this."
It's a cute little jam jar with purple flowers, and the paintin' ain't half bad! Good shadin' and really nice brush strokes, and maybe she don't have a lot of colors to work with, but she done okay with what she's got.
"Aww, thanks. It's - it's real nice! I like what you done with the leaves..."
"I thought you could use it to, you know, keep paint brushes in or something."
"Oh, right! It'll be great for that!" What am I gonna do with it?If I keep my brushes in it I'll have to keep lookin' at it. Can't hardly stand to look at it right now. Or her.
"And my ma's okay I guess. Same as usual." My mouth turns down a little at the corner. "But I haven't been so worried about that this week."
And she's smilin' at me like it's 'cause of me that she's been feelin' better. Oh heck. I try to smile back best I can. "Glad you been doin' okay. Um." Big deep breath. Gulp "I...I gotta talk to you 'bout somethin'. Can you come sit down?" I nod over to the riverbank. Ain't too many people comin' this way. Can't take her back to my wagon,not with all them pictures of Tez around...
"Aww, thanks. It's - it's real nice! I like what you done with the leaves..."
"Do you really like it?" I smile tentatively. "I know it's nothing like your paintings, but I hoped you'd, you know, look at it and, and, think of me. Or something." I blush prettily.
The guilt practically steams off Genny's skin, and I let her lead me to the river bank. The water flows by, as it is wont to do, and I pull my knees up and smooth my skirt down and give her an anxious look.
"I...I gotta talk to you 'bout somethin'. Can you come sit down?"
"Is everything alright? Did something bad happen?" I ask anxiously.
"I think it's real good, honest! You got real talent..." And she kinda does, even though she don't have good paint or teachers or nothin'. Oh, she don't have nothin' and I'm takin' more away...
"I know it's nothing like your paintings, but I hoped you'd, you know, look at it and, and, think of me. Or something."
"Oh, yeah! You bet I will," I say. Whether I want to or not.
Right 'bout now is when I should be holdin' her hand, when we're goin' over to sit by the river, so oh heck I'm glad my hands're full of paints and easel and stuff. I take a long time to put 'em down, makin' sure all the paints're lined up nice and straight and the easel ain't on top of 'em. And makin' sure I don't have to look at Danika for a good long time.
"Is everything alright? Did something bad happen?"
"No, nothin' bad. Um. You know I think you're real nice, right? You're sweet and you got lots of talent. And. Um. You ain't done nothin' wrong...?"
I was never good at talkin'. I ain't makin' sense, not at all. My hands're all knotted up in my lap, little paint smudges goin' over my fingers, little stripes and splotches...
"No, nothin' bad. Um. You know I think you're real nice, right? You're sweet and you got lots of talent. And. Um. You ain't done nothin' wrong...?"
I stare at Genny with an expression of good willed confusion.
"Um. I'm sorry?"
"Sorry for what?" I say, then pause. "Oh. Oh. I get it." I tuck my chin in and curl my hands into my lap. "You realised you don't like me that way, right?"
A tear falls onto the back of my hand and slides down to my wrist.
"Sorry for what?" I say, then pause. "Oh. Oh. I get it. You realised you don't like me that way, right?"
I watch her fold up, droopin' down like a flower on a too-hot day. She's cryin'. Oh heck oh damn I made her cry, poor pretty princess who's so sad already, I'm the monster stompin' on everything...
I'm snifflin' too when I say, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Danika." I reach out to put my hand 'round her shoulder, then take it back, and just tuck up my knees and hug them. Won't help her to have me huggin' her right now. "You're - you're pretty, too! But I don't - I don't feel that way and it ain't right for me to keep goin' 'round with you if I don't. You didn't do nothin' wrong, honest!"
"You're - you're pretty, too! But I don't - I don't feel that way and it ain't right for me to keep goin' 'round with you if I don't. You didn't do nothin' wrong, honest!"
It's almost too easy to make Genny feel guilty, but that is all to the good. I think I shall be able to direct her easily enough in this frame of mind. I wonder what approach to take. Girlish anger? Genny would accept that she deserved it, but it would just make her cry, not open up. No, I think she will respond better if Danika droops and blames herself. That will tug on her heartstrings, to turn a cliched phrase.
So I nod and look down at my knees.
"Guess I'm just not one of those girls people want to be with," I say. I squeeze out a few more tears, but they are not hysterical or overflowing. They are the tears of someone who expects to be disappointed. "There was..." I pause. "There was this girl, once." I curl my fingers together, screw up the corner of my mouth. "She's still around, I guess. She's called Edith." It amuses me a little to draw foolish Edith into this fabrication - and since she has run away, I doubt Genny will be able to question her on the details. "I was sixteen. The first time I saw her - I thought she was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen. She's older, though, and she always had a boy with her. First time I really had a..." I pause and blush. "A crush on a girl. I'd sort of always liked, you know. Hanging around with girls and looking at them. But I didn't get to spend time with lots of girls when I was growing up. And I saw Edith in town and I just thought she was wonderful even though I hadn't spoken to her at all." I swallow. "Anyway, eventually I did speak to her, and she could tell I liked her. And one day she came out to the farm, and, and..." I pause, trembling. "It was like in the wagon with you. Only different, because it was someone else. But you know." Another tear drops onto my hand. "I was so happy about it, but a few days later Edith still hadn't come back, and when I saw her in town she just said she'd been curious about what it could be like with a girl, and she could tell I was like that. And that I was nice and all, but she didn't feel the same way and I shouldn't dwell on it." I look up at Genny with wet shining eyes. "So I guess maybe I look like I'm good to pass the time of day with, but that's all."
"No!" I'm cryin' harder than she is, and that ain't right neither, 'cause she's the one who's s'posed to be sad, I'm the one doin' the hurtin', I shouldn't be feelin' this bad, oh damn...
"Oh, princess, no! It ain't right that she treated you like that! I ain't like that, I swear! I honestly liked you! It wasn't just 'cause I was curious! I - I've always liked girls too." Always liked Zann, is the real truth. Always liked girls, but Zann most.
I start moppin' away at my tears, gettin' paint smudges on my face, water won't wash away oil, that's gonna stay... "And I looked for you after, and I waited, and I've been tryin' to find you to tell you everything! And there's gonna be someone who likes you even more, oh, you deserve it, you deserve better'n me, someone who can make you a real princess...oh Danika, I'm sorry..."
"Oh, princess, no! It ain't right that she treated you like that! I ain't like that, I swear! I honestly liked you! It wasn't just 'cause I was curious! I - I've always liked girls too."
"Well," I say, "if you liked me before, what happened? Was it, was it because of the kissing and... and such? I know I'm probably not too good, I haven't done it much before."
"And I looked for you after, and I waited, and I've been tryin' to find you to tell you everything! And there's gonna be someone who likes you even more, oh, you deserve it, you deserve better'n me, someone who can make you a real princess...oh Danika, I'm sorry..."
She's wiping at her tears and I catch at her hands.
"But I don't want someone better than you! I don't think I'd ever find someone who was, anyhow! You know about so much stuff and you're so good at your paintings. And I brought some of my paintings to show you but I guess that doesn't matter so much now." I let more tears stream down my face. "Oh, Genny, if you tell me what I did wrong I can try harder, I promise."
"Well," I say, "if you liked me before, what happened? Was it, was it because of the kissing and... and such? I know I'm probably not too good, I haven't done it much before."
"No! No, you was plenty good! Honest!" I'm blushin' now, 'cause oh heck she was good, and she had to've done somethin' like that before...
She grabs onto my hands, holds 'em tight, all small and soft and now I'm smudgin' paint and tears on her hands and still cryin' away, 'cause she's cryin' harder now, oh princess I'm sorry...
"But I don't want someone better than you! I don't think I'd ever find someone who was, anyhow! You know about so much stuff and you're so good at your paintings. And I brought some of my paintings to show you but I guess that doesn't matter so much now." I let more tears stream down my face. "Oh, Genny, if you tell me what I did wrong I can try harder, I promise."
"You didn't do nothin' wrong! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! It's all me. I ain't good, there's plenty of people better'n me and you didn't do nothin' wrong at all! And I still want to talk to you about art and stuff if you ever want to be 'round me 'cause I want to talk to someone else who paints! But - but I don't feel that way 'bout you and I can't and I'm sorry!"
I'm squeezin' her hands hard now, squeezin' my eyes shut so they won't cry but the tears just keep goin'. I'm the monster. A giant slug squishin' everythin', only good for bein' stepped on. Can't tell her 'bout Zann. Can't tell Zann 'bout this, even though I'm doin' this for her, even though I want to 'cause I know Zann'll know what to say to make me feel better...
"It ain't your fault at all. You didn't do nothin' wrong."
"It ain't your fault at all. You didn't do nothin' wrong."
I shake my head sadly.
"I guess I must've or I could make you like me," I observe sadly. "Don't cry, Genny. You didn't do anything wrong. You just told me what you thought. I'm glad you didn't lie to me." I gently prise one of my hands away from hers and wipe at the tears beneath her eyes. "I guess I should've known someone living somewhere glamorous like the carnival isn't going to hitch up with a farmgirl," I observe. "I mean, your friend Zann, she's more like the girl you'd be with. All clever and fast-talking. Though I guess she's seeing someone? There was talk at the general store today she'd been hanging out with a rich girl." I say this guilessly, as if it can't mean anything to Genny. I am fairly sure that Anushka has not had Zann in her bed, but implanting suspicion is always a lovely thing. "Anyway, I guess someone like Zann would suit you." I wipe at my face with my free hand.
"I hope we can still be friends, though," I say after a little while. "You're one of the nicest people I've met in a while." And that much is true. Nice. What an insipid word. "And I had... I had another dream, after I saw those paintings of yours." I dig into my satchel and pull out a painting. "It looks a bit strange I guess, but I drew what I remember seeing..." I hold it out to her shyly. It is a picture of a girl and a jaguar. "I think the girl's you, Genny," I say. "And in my dream you were... It was like you were worshipping the jaguar." I look at her. "That sounds silly, right?"
"I guess I must've or I could make you like me," I observe sadly. "Don't cry, Genny. You didn't do anything wrong. You just told me what you thought. I'm glad you didn't lie to me."
And oh that hurts, oh damn it does. 'Cause I did, but if I tell the truth it would make it worse, would make everythin' even more horrible. She's tryin' to wipe away my tears now, little soft hands, but it just makes me cry harder to hear her tryin' to be nice like that. "You didn't do nothin' wrong," is all I can whimper, 'cause that's true, at least.
"I guess I should've known someone living somewhere glamorous like the carnival isn't going to hitch up with a farmgirl."
"No, Danika, that ain't it, I don't look down on you or nothin'! Honest!"
"I mean, your friend Zann, she's more like the girl you'd be with. All clever and fast-talking. Though I guess she's seeing someone? There was talk at the general store today she'd been hanging out with a rich girl. Anyway, I guess someone like Zann would suit you."
"Wait. What rich girl? She ain't seein' a rich girl!" And all of a sudden I'm sittin' straight up and the carousel is spinnin' wild and no, no, Zann's mine, my Tereixa, she said I was hers too...
"I hope we can still be friends, though," I say after a little while. "You're one of the nicest people I've met in a while."
That's the worst thing of all. If I'm the nicest, me, the big old monster stompin' on her, how bad is everyone else she knows? "I want to be friends too," I sniffle. It's true, oh heck it's true. I try to push away the tears, smudgin' more paint on my face. Bet I look just awful, eyes all red and paint streaks all over...
"And I had... I had another dream, after I saw those paintings of yours." I dig into my satchel and pull out a painting. "It looks a bit strange I guess, but I drew what I remember seeing..." I hold it out to her shyly. It is a picture of a girl and a jaguar. "I think the girl's you, Genny," I say. "And in my dream you were... It was like you were worshipping the jaguar." I look at her. "That sounds silly, right?"
Worship? That ain't what I do to Tez...'cept, well, I'm callin' out a god's name quiet like a prayer. What else is it? But that's Tez's secret and I can't tell, not to her.
And oh heck is that me nekkid in that picture?
I'm turnin' red now, gulpin', too embarrassed to look at Danika or even to cry no more. "I - I've been paintin' a jaguar too," I start, all slow, just bein' thankful for somethin' to think about that ain't how mean I was to Danika, even if it is me nekkid in a picture. "In my...special pictures. There's this...jaguar god. That I heard 'bout!" I say real quick. "And I just kinda...felt like I had to keep paintin' pictures of him. Maybe you dreamed 'bout me doin' that?"
Oh heck my head's all foggy. Even thinkin' 'bout one of these things makes my head hurt. Danika and Tez and Zann with who the heck is this rich girl?
There ain't no way I can think 'bout all of 'em at once.
"Wait. What rich girl? She ain't seein' a rich girl!"
I shrug.
"Guess I'm wrong. Wouldn't be the first time. Just what someone was saying in the store. Said they'd seen Zann going over to this girl's place. She had an unusual name. Aneska? or something. But it was just gossip, I guess."
"In my...special pictures. There's this...jaguar god. That I heard 'bout! And I just kinda...felt like I had to keep paintin' pictures of him. Maybe you dreamed 'bout me doin' that?"
Little Genny, how hard you try to keep your friend's secret... And how transparent you are.
"I don't know, Genny," I say slowly. "It seemed like you knew him. And he gave me a strange feeling. Like the man in your other painting. The one with a blue face." I shiver a little. "Though a person can't be a man and a jaguar, so that doesn't make sense." I rub my forehead. "All this is so strange. The jaguar was... He was powerful, I think. He made me feel odd, like I say. But it was also kind of... beautiful. And all the colours were so bright." I sigh. "I wish I knew what it all meant." I lean into Genny a little, shoulder to shoulder. "Though at least I can talk to you about it. If I told my mother about it she'd call me a witch, I think."
Tezcatlipoca. It's the best stuff I ever done...
My arm hurts a little where the easel's pushin' against the bandages now, but I don't care 'cause I've got those snowflakes floatin' in my head, can still see 'em in front of me if I think hard enough. And I can still feel Tez's arm 'round me, strong and safe, and the jaguar taking away my tears, standing by me all warm in the cold. If that ain't family I don't know what is.
It's gettin' dark,not enough for stars, but pretty close, when I come back over the bridge to the carnival, wanderin' along the river's edge. I ain't used to gettin' to know a place so well that I can walk it without thinkin' 'bout it.
But there's another little shape in the dim light, dark black dress and light gold hair and oh heck oh heck. I didn't want her to come in now, I ain't planned nothin', I had it all in my head this mornin' and now it's all gone...
I gulp, shift my easel up under my arm, and go up to her. "Um...hey, Danika?"
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I have existed long enough - and dealt with mortals more than long enough - to recognise that tone. It is not the shy uncertainty of a new lover. No; it is tinged with guilt.
Genny is about to tell me, very sadly - she will probably cry - that she has finally made it to bed with Zann. There is a certain absurdity in that this is the second time this has happened to me this week, and had I not made such a concerted effort to make Danika so shy, so soft, so not at all dazzling, I might be offended. But Zann is a pretty pinwheel, and Genny will follow her. I knew that as soon as I saw her. And Zann was fascinated by Kent; and Genny is fascinated by Tezcatlipoca. Their union may serve me well.
I do not indicate that I know any of this. Instead I smile nervously, and fiddle with my bag.
"Hey," I say, as if I have been holding the word in my mouth for days. "Hey, Genny." And I look to my left and right, very carefully, and then dart forward as if I am doing something very daring and kiss her on the lips.
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"Hey. Hey, Genny."
And then - oh heck why'd she have to go and kiss me? It's nice and it's sweet and she's still real pretty, and sure I kiss back, but...oh, it ain't the same. I hope Zann don't see me. I gulp. Can't look Danika all the way in the eye. Oh heck I hope she thinks I'm just bein' shy...
"Hey," I say again, even though we've both said it 'bout twelve times now. "Um. How you been? Is, um, is your ma feelin' okay?"
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Guilt can be such a useful device.
"Um. How you been? Is, um, is your ma feelin' okay?"
"I've been good!" I say brightly. "I mean, you know, since." I stop and blush. "Well, I've been thinking about you. So I brought you this." I reach into my bag and bring out a jam jar that has been carefully painted with a floral motif. "I thought you could use it to, you know, keep paint brushes in or something." I smile a bit anxiously at her. "And my ma's okay I guess. Same as usual." My mouth turns down a little at the corner. "But I haven't been so worried about that this week," I say, and give her another hesitant smile.
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It's a cute little jam jar with purple flowers, and the paintin' ain't half bad! Good shadin' and really nice brush strokes, and maybe she don't have a lot of colors to work with, but she done okay with what she's got.
"Aww, thanks. It's - it's real nice! I like what you done with the leaves..."
"I thought you could use it to, you know, keep paint brushes in or something."
"Oh, right! It'll be great for that!" What am I gonna do with it?If I keep my brushes in it I'll have to keep lookin' at it. Can't hardly stand to look at it right now. Or her.
"And my ma's okay I guess. Same as usual." My mouth turns down a little at the corner. "But I haven't been so worried about that this week."
And she's smilin' at me like it's 'cause of me that she's been feelin' better. Oh heck. I try to smile back best I can. "Glad you been doin' okay. Um." Big deep breath. Gulp "I...I gotta talk to you 'bout somethin'. Can you come sit down?" I nod over to the riverbank. Ain't too many people comin' this way. Can't take her back to my wagon,not with all them pictures of Tez around...
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"Aww, thanks. It's - it's real nice! I like what you done with the leaves..."
"Do you really like it?" I smile tentatively. "I know it's nothing like your paintings, but I hoped you'd, you know, look at it and, and, think of me. Or something." I blush prettily.
The guilt practically steams off Genny's skin, and I let her lead me to the river bank. The water flows by, as it is wont to do, and I pull my knees up and smooth my skirt down and give her an anxious look.
"I...I gotta talk to you 'bout somethin'. Can you come sit down?"
"Is everything alright? Did something bad happen?" I ask anxiously.
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"I think it's real good, honest! You got real talent..." And she kinda does, even though she don't have good paint or teachers or nothin'. Oh, she don't have nothin' and I'm takin' more away...
"I know it's nothing like your paintings, but I hoped you'd, you know, look at it and, and, think of me. Or something."
"Oh, yeah! You bet I will," I say. Whether I want to or not.
Right 'bout now is when I should be holdin' her hand, when we're goin' over to sit by the river, so oh heck I'm glad my hands're full of paints and easel and stuff. I take a long time to put 'em down, makin' sure all the paints're lined up nice and straight and the easel ain't on top of 'em. And makin' sure I don't have to look at Danika for a good long time.
"Is everything alright? Did something bad happen?"
"No, nothin' bad. Um. You know I think you're real nice, right? You're sweet and you got lots of talent. And. Um. You ain't done nothin' wrong...?"
I was never good at talkin'. I ain't makin' sense, not at all. My hands're all knotted up in my lap, little paint smudges goin' over my fingers, little stripes and splotches...
"Um. I'm sorry?"
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I stare at Genny with an expression of good willed confusion.
"Um. I'm sorry?"
"Sorry for what?" I say, then pause. "Oh. Oh. I get it." I tuck my chin in and curl my hands into my lap. "You realised you don't like me that way, right?"
A tear falls onto the back of my hand and slides down to my wrist.
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I watch her fold up, droopin' down like a flower on a too-hot day. She's cryin'. Oh heck oh damn I made her cry, poor pretty princess who's so sad already, I'm the monster stompin' on everything...
I'm snifflin' too when I say, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Danika." I reach out to put my hand 'round her shoulder, then take it back, and just tuck up my knees and hug them. Won't help her to have me huggin' her right now. "You're - you're pretty, too! But I don't - I don't feel that way and it ain't right for me to keep goin' 'round with you if I don't. You didn't do nothin' wrong, honest!"
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It's almost too easy to make Genny feel guilty, but that is all to the good. I think I shall be able to direct her easily enough in this frame of mind. I wonder what approach to take. Girlish anger? Genny would accept that she deserved it, but it would just make her cry, not open up. No, I think she will respond better if Danika droops and blames herself. That will tug on her heartstrings, to turn a cliched phrase.
So I nod and look down at my knees.
"Guess I'm just not one of those girls people want to be with," I say. I squeeze out a few more tears, but they are not hysterical or overflowing. They are the tears of someone who expects to be disappointed. "There was..." I pause. "There was this girl, once." I curl my fingers together, screw up the corner of my mouth. "She's still around, I guess. She's called Edith." It amuses me a little to draw foolish Edith into this fabrication - and since she has run away, I doubt Genny will be able to question her on the details. "I was sixteen. The first time I saw her - I thought she was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen. She's older, though, and she always had a boy with her. First time I really had a..." I pause and blush. "A crush on a girl. I'd sort of always liked, you know. Hanging around with girls and looking at them. But I didn't get to spend time with lots of girls when I was growing up. And I saw Edith in town and I just thought she was wonderful even though I hadn't spoken to her at all." I swallow. "Anyway, eventually I did speak to her, and she could tell I liked her. And one day she came out to the farm, and, and..." I pause, trembling. "It was like in the wagon with you. Only different, because it was someone else. But you know." Another tear drops onto my hand. "I was so happy about it, but a few days later Edith still hadn't come back, and when I saw her in town she just said she'd been curious about what it could be like with a girl, and she could tell I was like that. And that I was nice and all, but she didn't feel the same way and I shouldn't dwell on it." I look up at Genny with wet shining eyes. "So I guess maybe I look like I'm good to pass the time of day with, but that's all."
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"Oh, princess, no! It ain't right that she treated you like that! I ain't like that, I swear! I honestly liked you! It wasn't just 'cause I was curious! I - I've always liked girls too." Always liked Zann, is the real truth. Always liked girls, but Zann most.
I start moppin' away at my tears, gettin' paint smudges on my face, water won't wash away oil, that's gonna stay... "And I looked for you after, and I waited, and I've been tryin' to find you to tell you everything! And there's gonna be someone who likes you even more, oh, you deserve it, you deserve better'n me, someone who can make you a real princess...oh Danika, I'm sorry..."
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"Well," I say, "if you liked me before, what happened? Was it, was it because of the kissing and... and such? I know I'm probably not too good, I haven't done it much before."
"And I looked for you after, and I waited, and I've been tryin' to find you to tell you everything! And there's gonna be someone who likes you even more, oh, you deserve it, you deserve better'n me, someone who can make you a real princess...oh Danika, I'm sorry..."
She's wiping at her tears and I catch at her hands.
"But I don't want someone better than you! I don't think I'd ever find someone who was, anyhow! You know about so much stuff and you're so good at your paintings. And I brought some of my paintings to show you but I guess that doesn't matter so much now." I let more tears stream down my face. "Oh, Genny, if you tell me what I did wrong I can try harder, I promise."
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"No! No, you was plenty good! Honest!" I'm blushin' now, 'cause oh heck she was good, and she had to've done somethin' like that before...
She grabs onto my hands, holds 'em tight, all small and soft and now I'm smudgin' paint and tears on her hands and still cryin' away, 'cause she's cryin' harder now, oh princess I'm sorry...
"But I don't want someone better than you! I don't think I'd ever find someone who was, anyhow! You know about so much stuff and you're so good at your paintings. And I brought some of my paintings to show you but I guess that doesn't matter so much now." I let more tears stream down my face. "Oh, Genny, if you tell me what I did wrong I can try harder, I promise."
"You didn't do nothin' wrong! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! It's all me. I ain't good, there's plenty of people better'n me and you didn't do nothin' wrong at all! And I still want to talk to you about art and stuff if you ever want to be 'round me 'cause I want to talk to someone else who paints! But - but I don't feel that way 'bout you and I can't and I'm sorry!"
I'm squeezin' her hands hard now, squeezin' my eyes shut so they won't cry but the tears just keep goin'. I'm the monster. A giant slug squishin' everythin', only good for bein' stepped on. Can't tell her 'bout Zann. Can't tell Zann 'bout this, even though I'm doin' this for her, even though I want to 'cause I know Zann'll know what to say to make me feel better...
"It ain't your fault at all. You didn't do nothin' wrong."
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I shake my head sadly.
"I guess I must've or I could make you like me," I observe sadly. "Don't cry, Genny. You didn't do anything wrong. You just told me what you thought. I'm glad you didn't lie to me." I gently prise one of my hands away from hers and wipe at the tears beneath her eyes. "I guess I should've known someone living somewhere glamorous like the carnival isn't going to hitch up with a farmgirl," I observe. "I mean, your friend Zann, she's more like the girl you'd be with. All clever and fast-talking. Though I guess she's seeing someone? There was talk at the general store today she'd been hanging out with a rich girl." I say this guilessly, as if it can't mean anything to Genny. I am fairly sure that Anushka has not had Zann in her bed, but implanting suspicion is always a lovely thing. "Anyway, I guess someone like Zann would suit you." I wipe at my face with my free hand.
"I hope we can still be friends, though," I say after a little while. "You're one of the nicest people I've met in a while." And that much is true. Nice. What an insipid word. "And I had... I had another dream, after I saw those paintings of yours." I dig into my satchel and pull out a painting. "It looks a bit strange I guess, but I drew what I remember seeing..." I hold it out to her shyly. It is a picture of a girl and a jaguar. "I think the girl's you, Genny," I say. "And in my dream you were... It was like you were worshipping the jaguar." I look at her. "That sounds silly, right?"
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And oh that hurts, oh damn it does. 'Cause I did, but if I tell the truth it would make it worse, would make everythin' even more horrible. She's tryin' to wipe away my tears now, little soft hands, but it just makes me cry harder to hear her tryin' to be nice like that. "You didn't do nothin' wrong," is all I can whimper, 'cause that's true, at least.
"I guess I should've known someone living somewhere glamorous like the carnival isn't going to hitch up with a farmgirl."
"No, Danika, that ain't it, I don't look down on you or nothin'! Honest!"
"I mean, your friend Zann, she's more like the girl you'd be with. All clever and fast-talking. Though I guess she's seeing someone? There was talk at the general store today she'd been hanging out with a rich girl. Anyway, I guess someone like Zann would suit you."
"Wait. What rich girl? She ain't seein' a rich girl!" And all of a sudden I'm sittin' straight up and the carousel is spinnin' wild and no, no, Zann's mine, my Tereixa, she said I was hers too...
"I hope we can still be friends, though," I say after a little while. "You're one of the nicest people I've met in a while."
That's the worst thing of all. If I'm the nicest, me, the big old monster stompin' on her, how bad is everyone else she knows? "I want to be friends too," I sniffle. It's true, oh heck it's true. I try to push away the tears, smudgin' more paint on my face. Bet I look just awful, eyes all red and paint streaks all over...
"And I had... I had another dream, after I saw those paintings of yours." I dig into my satchel and pull out a painting. "It looks a bit strange I guess, but I drew what I remember seeing..." I hold it out to her shyly. It is a picture of a girl and a jaguar. "I think the girl's you, Genny," I say. "And in my dream you were... It was like you were worshipping the jaguar." I look at her. "That sounds silly, right?"
Worship? That ain't what I do to Tez...'cept, well, I'm callin' out a god's name quiet like a prayer. What else is it? But that's Tez's secret and I can't tell, not to her.
And oh heck is that me nekkid in that picture?
I'm turnin' red now, gulpin', too embarrassed to look at Danika or even to cry no more. "I - I've been paintin' a jaguar too," I start, all slow, just bein' thankful for somethin' to think about that ain't how mean I was to Danika, even if it is me nekkid in a picture. "In my...special pictures. There's this...jaguar god. That I heard 'bout!" I say real quick. "And I just kinda...felt like I had to keep paintin' pictures of him. Maybe you dreamed 'bout me doin' that?"
Oh heck my head's all foggy. Even thinkin' 'bout one of these things makes my head hurt. Danika and Tez and Zann with who the heck is this rich girl?
There ain't no way I can think 'bout all of 'em at once.
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I shrug.
"Guess I'm wrong. Wouldn't be the first time. Just what someone was saying in the store. Said they'd seen Zann going over to this girl's place. She had an unusual name. Aneska? or something. But it was just gossip, I guess."
"In my...special pictures. There's this...jaguar god. That I heard 'bout! And I just kinda...felt like I had to keep paintin' pictures of him. Maybe you dreamed 'bout me doin' that?"
Little Genny, how hard you try to keep your friend's secret... And how transparent you are.
"I don't know, Genny," I say slowly. "It seemed like you knew him. And he gave me a strange feeling. Like the man in your other painting. The one with a blue face." I shiver a little. "Though a person can't be a man and a jaguar, so that doesn't make sense." I rub my forehead. "All this is so strange. The jaguar was... He was powerful, I think. He made me feel odd, like I say. But it was also kind of... beautiful. And all the colours were so bright." I sigh. "I wish I knew what it all meant." I lean into Genny a little, shoulder to shoulder. "Though at least I can talk to you about it. If I told my mother about it she'd call me a witch, I think."
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