(no subject)
Talking to josh tonight reminded me of the night when hannahs mom and i went to pick them up from the movies, josh hugged me, everyone tried so hard to convince me that he liked me. i couldent be convinced. so i cryed. i always perpare myself for the worst and its never enough. i hate that. i open my heart to get hurt again and thats what i do(which in this particular case it wasnt josh's fault). and they never mean to hurt me (other than kenny). i must be too damn nice. im too damn nice to guys. im too damn nice to people in general. i if wasnt so damn nice i'd have fewer problems, but despite how much i'd like to hate people, i cant bring myself to have that much apathy. i dont get it. i had everything i thought i wanted to have. i had my cigarettes, my alcohol, my apathy, my music, my guitar, my band, my self loathing. i thought i knew exactly what i was doing, i thought i was on the verge of finishing off everything i had ever wanted. all i ever wanted was the shallow things, lust, drugs, sex, rock, fame. i had set myself up for distruction. i had set myself up for my ride to fame and to burn out. and empathy got the better of me. i dont know if it saved me or ruined me. its too soon to tell. after hannah and i fought i wanted to change and i did, but i cant truely blame or thank her for it, because it was me. i dont make changes for others, no matter how shallow that is, im honest about it. i make all changes in my life for me, and i make them all to often for my own welfare. theres a few ive acted selflessly for. theres many today i would act selflessly for. but in the end it really is to my advantage that i do so. i think i really am dieing inside. wow. JUST WOW