i want to be masochistic, i want to be a statistic
i learned today that amy may or may not be moving to philly, which would suck.
something like that is hard to swallow at one sitting.
like learning that your friend lost his virginity in the bed next to you at 16 years old
or that a friend had a freak knife accident and impaled himself.
or that another close friend died the summer before college after three bouts of leukemia, before he finally succumbed to it. sean may have not been the most pleasant or humble kid, but he was one tough motherfucker. i used to dislike him, until i understood his game. he knew he was smarter than everyone else, and he didn't feel it necessary to conceal it. i mistook his arrogance for discontempt, until i realized it was just him being funny. i do the same thing.
as i write this, i realize this is the first time i've ever wrote something about sean. i know i wasn't as good friends with him as we used to be, but we were good friends cause i saw him at paulanjos.
it's just hard thinking that someone you used to see everyday is no longer here.
that was all i could think after brian died. wow, i won't see him anymore.
i didn't know what to feel when we heard that sean died, although it was incorrect. i was so confused, sitting in beth's car. smoking a cigarette while she filled up for gas. i didn't know how to feel. i knew i was expected to feel sad, but i didn't cry. i was sad, but i didn't know how to show it. i feel sad now, now that i have dredged up these memories.
accepting the loss of a loved one is the hardest thing in life to cope with, whether it be through death or change of address.
things that i just can't accept in one sitting. something that will keep me up tonight, even though i don't want to. it's never anything happy that i have to try and understand. that my simple mind can't comprehend some of life's real problems is somewhat bothersome. that they don't just happen in movies or in books, they really do. people that you know do die. brian ariola. sean kugler. grandpa turo. aunt nancy.
it'll hit me like the first time i dropped acid, and everything that was confusing in my life made sense. i guess i can thank LSD for giving me some clarity. it happened at 5:30 when i knew i needed to sleep, but i just couldn't. and certain things just were clear: that nobody is as cool as they think they are. i have no right to make fun of others, because i think i am better than they are, because i am not.
someday i'll grow up.
something like that is hard to swallow at one sitting.
like learning that your friend lost his virginity in the bed next to you at 16 years old
or that a friend had a freak knife accident and impaled himself.
or that another close friend died the summer before college after three bouts of leukemia, before he finally succumbed to it. sean may have not been the most pleasant or humble kid, but he was one tough motherfucker. i used to dislike him, until i understood his game. he knew he was smarter than everyone else, and he didn't feel it necessary to conceal it. i mistook his arrogance for discontempt, until i realized it was just him being funny. i do the same thing.
as i write this, i realize this is the first time i've ever wrote something about sean. i know i wasn't as good friends with him as we used to be, but we were good friends cause i saw him at paulanjos.
it's just hard thinking that someone you used to see everyday is no longer here.
that was all i could think after brian died. wow, i won't see him anymore.
i didn't know what to feel when we heard that sean died, although it was incorrect. i was so confused, sitting in beth's car. smoking a cigarette while she filled up for gas. i didn't know how to feel. i knew i was expected to feel sad, but i didn't cry. i was sad, but i didn't know how to show it. i feel sad now, now that i have dredged up these memories.
accepting the loss of a loved one is the hardest thing in life to cope with, whether it be through death or change of address.
things that i just can't accept in one sitting. something that will keep me up tonight, even though i don't want to. it's never anything happy that i have to try and understand. that my simple mind can't comprehend some of life's real problems is somewhat bothersome. that they don't just happen in movies or in books, they really do. people that you know do die. brian ariola. sean kugler. grandpa turo. aunt nancy.
it'll hit me like the first time i dropped acid, and everything that was confusing in my life made sense. i guess i can thank LSD for giving me some clarity. it happened at 5:30 when i knew i needed to sleep, but i just couldn't. and certain things just were clear: that nobody is as cool as they think they are. i have no right to make fun of others, because i think i am better than they are, because i am not.
someday i'll grow up.