i could go supersonic
it's election day and i am exercising my right to get this shit off of my chest.
last saturday i read on melinda's away message that she was dating ed again.
this came totally from left field. this was the last thing i expected. especially since we even talked about getting married for a little bit. i was so angry, i don't know any words that can match it. HOW COULD SHE FUCKING DO THIS TO ME. i would never expect her, especially her, to "stab me in the back". this is typically the shit that i would do to her. it took me totally off guard and it ruined my weekend.
not to mention that i was considering taking a semester off to find some fucking direction, yet because i am a piece of shit diabetic, i can't afford health insurance unless i am going to school. i won't be able to live at home, i have no car, no insurance.
so i am stuck at school for now. my csi results said i was in the first percentile for desire to finish school. it also said i should seriously seek counsel about my emotional problems. it said i was in the 78th percentile for sociability though.
but that is changing too. i am turning cold. i have become rather nihlistic and complacent. i started smoking again, with full knowledge of the dangers involved. i haven't done laundry in forever. i have dirty clothes everywhere. i don't care. i take no care of my diabetes either, when i check the blood it's terrible. i don't care. i wish that no one liked me so that i could do whatever i wanted without anyone caring if i was still breathing. i wish i could just die. i seriously wish that a gang of armed robbers enters the room and just guns me down because i turned around too quickly. i wish i could get a brain aneurysm and pass on to the next phase of existence, which is probably like sleep. a sleep that i will never wake up from, and i will love it. i wish that i could just go home and spend time with aaron and matt all the time. i wish that we really do get an apartment or cheap housing within the next few years. i wish that matt would transfer to cortland and me and him could room together and have it be like home. i wish i knew what i wanted out of life. i wish that every person who is closed minded, ignorant and stuck up would disappear just us intellectuals would still be alive. i wish i could talk without being sarcastic all the time.
i wish that i had a fucking girlfriend. i wish i had someone i could sleep next to at night, instead of crawling into bed at four a.m., wishing i had someone there that i could just hold and call mine.
maybe if i wish hard enough all this shit will come true at the same time. maybe i could even get it for my birthday. that'd be pretty sweet, wouldn't it?
i am developing feelings for somebody that i don't have the balls to post about. i want to avoid the awkward feelings that could happen. i wish...fuck.
i might as well wish for something that could come true.
i wish that i will have a shitty life with no purpose. that i will have a shit job and just die in a fucking box on the side streets of mexico.
i guess i just want people to feel bad for me.
last saturday i read on melinda's away message that she was dating ed again.
this came totally from left field. this was the last thing i expected. especially since we even talked about getting married for a little bit. i was so angry, i don't know any words that can match it. HOW COULD SHE FUCKING DO THIS TO ME. i would never expect her, especially her, to "stab me in the back". this is typically the shit that i would do to her. it took me totally off guard and it ruined my weekend.
not to mention that i was considering taking a semester off to find some fucking direction, yet because i am a piece of shit diabetic, i can't afford health insurance unless i am going to school. i won't be able to live at home, i have no car, no insurance.
so i am stuck at school for now. my csi results said i was in the first percentile for desire to finish school. it also said i should seriously seek counsel about my emotional problems. it said i was in the 78th percentile for sociability though.
but that is changing too. i am turning cold. i have become rather nihlistic and complacent. i started smoking again, with full knowledge of the dangers involved. i haven't done laundry in forever. i have dirty clothes everywhere. i don't care. i take no care of my diabetes either, when i check the blood it's terrible. i don't care. i wish that no one liked me so that i could do whatever i wanted without anyone caring if i was still breathing. i wish i could just die. i seriously wish that a gang of armed robbers enters the room and just guns me down because i turned around too quickly. i wish i could get a brain aneurysm and pass on to the next phase of existence, which is probably like sleep. a sleep that i will never wake up from, and i will love it. i wish that i could just go home and spend time with aaron and matt all the time. i wish that we really do get an apartment or cheap housing within the next few years. i wish that matt would transfer to cortland and me and him could room together and have it be like home. i wish i knew what i wanted out of life. i wish that every person who is closed minded, ignorant and stuck up would disappear just us intellectuals would still be alive. i wish i could talk without being sarcastic all the time.
i wish that i had a fucking girlfriend. i wish i had someone i could sleep next to at night, instead of crawling into bed at four a.m., wishing i had someone there that i could just hold and call mine.
maybe if i wish hard enough all this shit will come true at the same time. maybe i could even get it for my birthday. that'd be pretty sweet, wouldn't it?
i am developing feelings for somebody that i don't have the balls to post about. i want to avoid the awkward feelings that could happen. i wish...fuck.
i might as well wish for something that could come true.
i wish that i will have a shitty life with no purpose. that i will have a shit job and just die in a fucking box on the side streets of mexico.
i guess i just want people to feel bad for me.