(no subject)
i'm not as sincere as people think i am. i do talk to people to try and get them to like me. i am nice, but i am nicer if i think i can get some.
it's sad but true. it's not always the case, but more often than not i do have an ulterior motive.
i have a mohawk because i want attention.
i used to think of suicide notes when i was in church and it would make me sad.
when i was younger, probably around 15, i almost did commit suicide. the seed was planted, but i didn't want to have my parents think about what they did wrong. i know my father would blame himself.
i always wondered what death would be like and what it felt like to die. i wondered how many people i would have at my funeral and i wanted people to cry to show how much they missed me.
i am an attention whore.
i used to envision myself as the most popular kid in high school, because i knew everybody. i never thought that people didn't like me, but i have a feeling it was wrong. considering the shit i talk about people, i don't want to know what people say about me. what do people say about me? do they think i am fake?
i know i bully people. people like rudy and i feel bad now that i am mature enough to see that i was and can still be a complete fucking asshole.
i don't like being a ringleader. i wish i could be a sheep and just follow the crowd.
i wish my parents realized that life is not a formula. i don't have to be successful. i know i won't. i know i will be poor and probably alone.
i really want a girlfriend. having friends is good, but there is something different about having someone who is yours. the problem with college is that most girls have boyfriends. and the fact that i have no balls whatsoever. so even if i did like you i would never ask. i want to try and avoid uncomfortable situations. i try to avoid a lot of people i feel uncomfortable with.
i am the comic relief in my learning community. i wonder what they think about me.
i am one of those kids who say, i don't care what people think. but i do. trust me. i am too much of a bitch to be a revolutionary. i am weak. i am so self conscious and analytical that it upsets me.
i smoke cigarettes when i get bored. i want to do cocaine so i can be in a good mood. i wish i had money to fund the habits i enjoy so much.
i am very lonely.
if it wasn't for these fucking trendy livejournals, i would never have anything to say.
i used to just cry. because my life used to be rather complicated, with laura and everything. she really fucked me up. so did melinda. and kaziah.
i should stop blaming other people for my problems.
i complain about not getting enough attention, but guaranteed i will get away message responses telling me that if i need to talk that they are there for me. i do appreciate it, even i don't say so directly.
i have a hard time accepting compliments. i feel that i sound fake when i say thanks.
i wish i was a robot. i wish i ate oil and chomped on nuts and bolts. but i wish i had no free will. i wish that the operator had me do cool robot shit, like deal with nuclear weapons or do laundry.
i have to do my schedule today.
ain't it beautiful to be alive?
it's sad but true. it's not always the case, but more often than not i do have an ulterior motive.
i have a mohawk because i want attention.
i used to think of suicide notes when i was in church and it would make me sad.
when i was younger, probably around 15, i almost did commit suicide. the seed was planted, but i didn't want to have my parents think about what they did wrong. i know my father would blame himself.
i always wondered what death would be like and what it felt like to die. i wondered how many people i would have at my funeral and i wanted people to cry to show how much they missed me.
i am an attention whore.
i used to envision myself as the most popular kid in high school, because i knew everybody. i never thought that people didn't like me, but i have a feeling it was wrong. considering the shit i talk about people, i don't want to know what people say about me. what do people say about me? do they think i am fake?
i know i bully people. people like rudy and i feel bad now that i am mature enough to see that i was and can still be a complete fucking asshole.
i don't like being a ringleader. i wish i could be a sheep and just follow the crowd.
i wish my parents realized that life is not a formula. i don't have to be successful. i know i won't. i know i will be poor and probably alone.
i really want a girlfriend. having friends is good, but there is something different about having someone who is yours. the problem with college is that most girls have boyfriends. and the fact that i have no balls whatsoever. so even if i did like you i would never ask. i want to try and avoid uncomfortable situations. i try to avoid a lot of people i feel uncomfortable with.
i am the comic relief in my learning community. i wonder what they think about me.
i am one of those kids who say, i don't care what people think. but i do. trust me. i am too much of a bitch to be a revolutionary. i am weak. i am so self conscious and analytical that it upsets me.
i smoke cigarettes when i get bored. i want to do cocaine so i can be in a good mood. i wish i had money to fund the habits i enjoy so much.
i am very lonely.
if it wasn't for these fucking trendy livejournals, i would never have anything to say.
i used to just cry. because my life used to be rather complicated, with laura and everything. she really fucked me up. so did melinda. and kaziah.
i should stop blaming other people for my problems.
i complain about not getting enough attention, but guaranteed i will get away message responses telling me that if i need to talk that they are there for me. i do appreciate it, even i don't say so directly.
i have a hard time accepting compliments. i feel that i sound fake when i say thanks.
i wish i was a robot. i wish i ate oil and chomped on nuts and bolts. but i wish i had no free will. i wish that the operator had me do cool robot shit, like deal with nuclear weapons or do laundry.
i have to do my schedule today.
ain't it beautiful to be alive?