i just want to live
a bad mood is impossible to turn off. it slowly fades away, kinda like a foot falling asleep.
i had a mini epipihany today. i realized that i missed being called christopher. and the only person that ever did was melinda. i was very upset when i found out that she and ed were back together and i was unreasonable to be mad at her. i was upset at myself for letting her slip out of my sights again. technically there was nothing i could do, yet this is a scenario that is reminiscent of was happened last year. i am pissed at myself, because i thought i actually rectified my past, yet i found out that the past does repeat itself and there is often nothing i can do about it.
i am still amazed that people are upset by the gloominess of the journal. and for that i am sorry, but this isn't necessarily a passing fad. i usually only write in the journal wheni am in a gloomy mood or am sour about something. college is something i wasn't prepared for. i have always been trying to avoid routine, and while it worked for awhile, i am falling back into it. that's why i am getting the mohawk, that's why i try to do different things, like smoking and such. i am still looking for something to disrupt my life, negative or positive. this is just like at home. the farther away you get, the more things stay the same.
i faced a fear that i had been avoiding for awhile today while i was waiting for a bus. i am too soft to be the rebel that i envision myself to be. my conscience won't allow me to be hardened like i want to be. i think my fight against capitalism is just me trying to be different than the people i see on a daily basis. there is no one i expected to see. the kids who had the different ideas. everyone here is pretty much the same. i had more diversity at home. this is not to say that i dislike the people here, that's not it at all. i was just expecting to meet the kids i thought i would see on a college campus. the rebel kids. kids who like bands like bad religion, punk that is missing the pop. hardcore kids that i can relate to.
i wish i had someone i could share my idea(l)s with. people who aren't into rank and file. people who want to break free, not necessarily from the chains of society, but who are willing to listen to different ideas with interest.
as i hinted earlier, i am unsure about my mission to take down capitalism. i have no means of destruction. capitalism and corporations run all of our lives. i hate it. there are no more small stores, run by people who care for customers. the wal-martization of america is what other nations use to typify america. this is why i am not proud to be an american. maybe it's because i am not easily swayed by popular opinion, cults such as nationalism, for instance.
what's clean and pure is no longer sure
all that's benign corrupts and dies
the fallacy of epiphanies.
i had a mini epipihany today. i realized that i missed being called christopher. and the only person that ever did was melinda. i was very upset when i found out that she and ed were back together and i was unreasonable to be mad at her. i was upset at myself for letting her slip out of my sights again. technically there was nothing i could do, yet this is a scenario that is reminiscent of was happened last year. i am pissed at myself, because i thought i actually rectified my past, yet i found out that the past does repeat itself and there is often nothing i can do about it.
i am still amazed that people are upset by the gloominess of the journal. and for that i am sorry, but this isn't necessarily a passing fad. i usually only write in the journal wheni am in a gloomy mood or am sour about something. college is something i wasn't prepared for. i have always been trying to avoid routine, and while it worked for awhile, i am falling back into it. that's why i am getting the mohawk, that's why i try to do different things, like smoking and such. i am still looking for something to disrupt my life, negative or positive. this is just like at home. the farther away you get, the more things stay the same.
i faced a fear that i had been avoiding for awhile today while i was waiting for a bus. i am too soft to be the rebel that i envision myself to be. my conscience won't allow me to be hardened like i want to be. i think my fight against capitalism is just me trying to be different than the people i see on a daily basis. there is no one i expected to see. the kids who had the different ideas. everyone here is pretty much the same. i had more diversity at home. this is not to say that i dislike the people here, that's not it at all. i was just expecting to meet the kids i thought i would see on a college campus. the rebel kids. kids who like bands like bad religion, punk that is missing the pop. hardcore kids that i can relate to.
i wish i had someone i could share my idea(l)s with. people who aren't into rank and file. people who want to break free, not necessarily from the chains of society, but who are willing to listen to different ideas with interest.
as i hinted earlier, i am unsure about my mission to take down capitalism. i have no means of destruction. capitalism and corporations run all of our lives. i hate it. there are no more small stores, run by people who care for customers. the wal-martization of america is what other nations use to typify america. this is why i am not proud to be an american. maybe it's because i am not easily swayed by popular opinion, cults such as nationalism, for instance.
what's clean and pure is no longer sure
all that's benign corrupts and dies
the fallacy of epiphanies.