pouring my heart out

[espressogurl]

Well, yeah so, i haven't bee the nicest person on earth. I'm like so full of rage and fear....maybe because of the drugs i've done in the past that has effected my brain. I'm always pissy, yelling, and get angered easily. Jeff thinks it's becuase i'm just normally bitchy...but it the past that has made me this way. I feel on edge, i want to be left alone, wanting for privacy. "strawberry gashes all over me!"...i feel like doing that at times.....when i'm angery, i don't want to show my emotions to ppl cause i'm afraid they'll get mad,and i don't want them to get mad at me, and i act so secretly. My past sucks...... I have been raped by a black guy and my mom wouldn't let me go through the trial cause she it would embarrass me, so i had to let it go....but not in a good way, i dealt with it in dif'rent ways....Myself esteam has been awful.....i've done the worst drugs like: Weed, acid (robitusin), mushrooms, cocain, OC, alcohol, prescrition drugs, speed.... I became bulimic/anorexic.....have black outs, be sum where i don't remeber going to, suidcidal....then knowing a very, very good friend of mine go behind my back and steal my guy from behind my back...(i thought i was over it, but sum times i think about it,and it makes my stomache turn and twist.) ~I WANT TO BETTER!!!~~~ i don't want to be angery, sad, and spazztic. I want jeff to see me smile again and be happy again. I'm in my shell, always looking behind me, making sure no one will hurt me, and if there is any sign of aggression i start gettign aggressive and angery, i don't even want to be touched sometimes.I want to be loved (well, trust that he loves me, cause i know he does, but my memory and nerves haven't been good to me) i love him sooo much, i feel like i'm loosing myself and drowning in my past.I have flash backs and it makes me angery and i don't want to tell him what i'm thinking, cause 90% of the time i'm thinking about what i have done, and i regret everything that i have done....and my mom never helped me, just enabled me to do the things that i have done, she (my mom) and my cousin got me hooked on cocain, she would smoke with me. I want to be punished but then in reality i don't. I act out for attention!!! My first real boyfriend, John, left me for another girl, i locked myself in my room for a week and never came out to eat, only to go to the bathroom. He hurt me soo much, i get angery just thinking about him. I had an abortion last year, but at times my miond plays tricks on me, letting me think that i'm pregnant, and get the the stomache pains i got before, i think about having kids all the time. MY MIND HATES ME!!! My mom is slowly dying on me she has aids and cancer and hep c ( or is it b)and she jumps from guy to bastered guy....and she is always getting hurt this time this guy has already killed her unintendedly.

"Watch me loose her,it's almost like loosing myself, give her my soul, watch me fight her, Kill me faster, with strawberry gashes all over ME!"