A Many Splendoured Thing
Am I a crazy fool? Should I give in to this life that has pulled me in, lulled me into a new me that never existed before? I never noticed it happening. Something like this, it occurs to you in an instant, a flash. You think it's gone, perhaps it didn't happen, but then you close your eyes to reflect, and you see the lights, that echo emblazoned across everything you see. Then you know it really happened, but how to make sense of it all?
I feel now as if there's no way I could change it all now, even if I wanted to leave this. I couldn't survive without it. You'd think that I'd look around me and see that I'm throwing my life away, that perhaps this is a mistake, but there's a hope that one day I'll emerge from this new adventure, a whole shiny new experience in my life a hero, a sweet happiness will envelop every bit of me. I could come up with countless reasons this won't work out. Why do I persist and defy every negative idea that floats through my head? Nothing, absolutely nothing but a feeling, some sort of all encompassing awareness that this is so wonderful, so right reminds me that this is not a dream. It is a life. On a world that just might not be ready for it.
I've got a gem. I found it, or it found me, I'm still not sure which. It's grand, amorphous, and all wrapped up with a pretty bow for me to have. I think I finally figured out what's going on. It's a trick. That's right, I said I was almost suckered in to an elaborate illusion, of my brain's own making, nonetheless! Ha, I've outsmarted myself. Here's how- I floundered around for quite some time, reaching out for any sort of help to find who I was supposed to be. I was trying. I tried to find true love, meeting people, talking to friends, but I should have listened. There is only do. When I totally stopped looking at each thing that happened as an event that needed to be weighed for pertinence towards my quest, the answer just came to me. It was just what I needed. Oddly enough, in order to see the big picture, the forest, or my destiny, I had to stop looking up the Latin name of every tree I ran in to. I had to just stand there, and look around. Silly me!!!
Now, I can talk about amorphous ideals all day, but where does that get the rent paid? Good question. What has to happen is I have to do the same thing I did to get this far. Take what comes. Realize that things that happen don't necessarily happen just because. If I hadn't moved in with Adam, I wouldn't have met our neighbors, and wouldn't have heard about the job opening at Borders. At my first day today, I got a weird feeling like I've had recently. Sometimes I'm in a place and it feels like I'm supposed to be there. I'm supposed to pay attention. Every time I've followed my gut decisions recently they've been the best decisions I've ever made. I just had to go to the game convention - free tickets. I just had to go to dinner - formally meet Adam. I just had to give him my number - realize I've stumbled upon the love of my life.
I've been presented with beautiful opportunities. I won't get much an hour, but I'll work my job and put the money towards something good. It's the holiday season, so it's going to be crazy at work, and crazy at home, getting ready for everything we have to do. Through it all I must maintain a sort of Zenful excitement in my core. That electric feeling you get when you hear a chord that makes you feel like not only is everything right in the world, but you're stoked about it. That new car smell that makes you want to tear up the highways like construction equipment never could.
This excitement will propel me to the crazy/perfect life I know is waiting. It will make me strong. It will make me exuberant. I will innervate everything around me, in my pursuit to fill everyone with a curious desire to smile and make a difference in the world.
I'm not sure I actually explained anything just now. But there's something there. Something in how I perceive the world around me, There's something more right about the visions of dark wooden furniture in bars along the rainy street. A morning walk to the bookstore, and on the way stopping for a hearty breakfast of pancakes with fresh fruit and the best coffee, by the never-ending pitcher.
There's something about those never-ending pitchers of mediocre coffee. Something about that ocean breeze, wafting through the white curtains of an old house's kitchen. Moss covered river rocks. Sushi that can't be beat. Snow covered mountains. Fields of roses. Brew pubs steeped in history. Real forests. Trains, buses, pizza, mittens, paperweights, drafts, and wooden models. T-shirts, candlelight brainstorming. And more of that coffee, please.
I can't wait to make my way in a new life, one list, one plan, one spontaneous trip to infinity at a time.
Thanks Adam, for everything. Staying by my side, believing that love doesn't just last one night, and holding on to a vision. Not letting me let go of my dreams, taking me as I am and keeping me safe. Banishing loneliness and fear, helping me keep my faith in myself. With you is the only place I could ever be. And thanks especially for filling my coffee cup before I've noticed it's empty.
I feel now as if there's no way I could change it all now, even if I wanted to leave this. I couldn't survive without it. You'd think that I'd look around me and see that I'm throwing my life away, that perhaps this is a mistake, but there's a hope that one day I'll emerge from this new adventure, a whole shiny new experience in my life a hero, a sweet happiness will envelop every bit of me. I could come up with countless reasons this won't work out. Why do I persist and defy every negative idea that floats through my head? Nothing, absolutely nothing but a feeling, some sort of all encompassing awareness that this is so wonderful, so right reminds me that this is not a dream. It is a life. On a world that just might not be ready for it.
I've got a gem. I found it, or it found me, I'm still not sure which. It's grand, amorphous, and all wrapped up with a pretty bow for me to have. I think I finally figured out what's going on. It's a trick. That's right, I said I was almost suckered in to an elaborate illusion, of my brain's own making, nonetheless! Ha, I've outsmarted myself. Here's how- I floundered around for quite some time, reaching out for any sort of help to find who I was supposed to be. I was trying. I tried to find true love, meeting people, talking to friends, but I should have listened. There is only do. When I totally stopped looking at each thing that happened as an event that needed to be weighed for pertinence towards my quest, the answer just came to me. It was just what I needed. Oddly enough, in order to see the big picture, the forest, or my destiny, I had to stop looking up the Latin name of every tree I ran in to. I had to just stand there, and look around. Silly me!!!
Now, I can talk about amorphous ideals all day, but where does that get the rent paid? Good question. What has to happen is I have to do the same thing I did to get this far. Take what comes. Realize that things that happen don't necessarily happen just because. If I hadn't moved in with Adam, I wouldn't have met our neighbors, and wouldn't have heard about the job opening at Borders. At my first day today, I got a weird feeling like I've had recently. Sometimes I'm in a place and it feels like I'm supposed to be there. I'm supposed to pay attention. Every time I've followed my gut decisions recently they've been the best decisions I've ever made. I just had to go to the game convention - free tickets. I just had to go to dinner - formally meet Adam. I just had to give him my number - realize I've stumbled upon the love of my life.
I've been presented with beautiful opportunities. I won't get much an hour, but I'll work my job and put the money towards something good. It's the holiday season, so it's going to be crazy at work, and crazy at home, getting ready for everything we have to do. Through it all I must maintain a sort of Zenful excitement in my core. That electric feeling you get when you hear a chord that makes you feel like not only is everything right in the world, but you're stoked about it. That new car smell that makes you want to tear up the highways like construction equipment never could.
This excitement will propel me to the crazy/perfect life I know is waiting. It will make me strong. It will make me exuberant. I will innervate everything around me, in my pursuit to fill everyone with a curious desire to smile and make a difference in the world.
I'm not sure I actually explained anything just now. But there's something there. Something in how I perceive the world around me, There's something more right about the visions of dark wooden furniture in bars along the rainy street. A morning walk to the bookstore, and on the way stopping for a hearty breakfast of pancakes with fresh fruit and the best coffee, by the never-ending pitcher.
There's something about those never-ending pitchers of mediocre coffee. Something about that ocean breeze, wafting through the white curtains of an old house's kitchen. Moss covered river rocks. Sushi that can't be beat. Snow covered mountains. Fields of roses. Brew pubs steeped in history. Real forests. Trains, buses, pizza, mittens, paperweights, drafts, and wooden models. T-shirts, candlelight brainstorming. And more of that coffee, please.
I can't wait to make my way in a new life, one list, one plan, one spontaneous trip to infinity at a time.
Thanks Adam, for everything. Staying by my side, believing that love doesn't just last one night, and holding on to a vision. Not letting me let go of my dreams, taking me as I am and keeping me safe. Banishing loneliness and fear, helping me keep my faith in myself. With you is the only place I could ever be. And thanks especially for filling my coffee cup before I've noticed it's empty.