TRYING TO COPE : PAGE 1
September 10th, 2012 : 12:08am
Ive started writing this in hopes one day you'll get to read it. In hopes that you'll care about me finally. In hopes that you'll wonder what happened to us, and what i felt. Hoping that maybe one day you'll confess the truth. About me about our relationship. These days i dont know what to feel anymore. Im crying alone to myself asking all the questions i cant answer. Turning to your friends for advice they cant give. Texting you with empty responses. I guess working myself up to cry myself to sleep because i cant understand how you can be so cold...again. I thought this part of our relationship was over years ago. These feelings of the unknown are all too familiar. These feelings pondering what you could be feeling & not saying. I try to text my friend from work everytime i have the inkling in my fingers to text you. Running to her with my tears so she can catch them. But in all actuality all i want is you. All i want is for you to explain why am I not good enough. Why am i not worth it. Why am i not at least deserving of an explanation. Just an explanation. If you dont want to be with me fine, but at least as a friend id rather you tell me I hate your guts because youre an unloyal whore than for you to just not speak to me & leave me hanging & tell me "when you're ready" you'll speak to me. I think thats unfair.
I know ive hurt you within our relationship. But it was not intentional. Maybe i shouldve told you i was not getting all that i was expecting. But i guess there is my fault right there--expectation. I cant come to terms with what happened between us. And maybe its all my fault, maybe i pushed you away before all of this happened but. As i told you when i was with you, i cant possibly fathom spending so much money on making a life together with someone if i just wanted to throw it away. But thats how you treated me. Especially in the end. As an option. I cant understand why you would want to lie to me, unless you didnt care about me. Unless you knew that we would never be again. Your actions and your words said two different things. At one time mine did too. At one point I was inviting another person to converse with me because you werent filling a void. I felt as if you didnt want to talk to me. We barely spoke about much beyond weed, sex, videogames & our past arguments (and we couldnt even agree to disagree on that). Some nights id call you just to hear your voice & you'd quickly rush me off the phone because you wanted to play your game, or because you were tired but unemployed. I just couldnt understand how a person who knows me for longest doesnt see certain things. Doesnt notice my hurt or want to talk. The inflection in my voice. Maybe its because of what you're used to & maybe its because of what im used to too. Some nights all i wanted was 5 minutes for someone to just hear me. Whether they thought I was stupid or not. Someone to just listen because as you know I have no one else to turn to but another ex. And all of those moments I want to share with you. You were my homeboy, my friend first before all of this. And its hard to believe that since we got together our communication became more & more meger as the days go on. Sometimes i hated even looking at you because you went from being so understanding to so short & cold at times. Above all, I just wanted to know that you loved me f'real. I wanted to know that you thought I was beautiful. I wanted to hear it. I wanted to know that you chose me for a reason, not convenience & definitely not because i was holding you down for this long. I wanted to know that you wanted to be with me GENUINELY not because we have longevity & because ive been there through your good and bad times. I wanted to know that you CHOSE me. That you wanted to LOVE me. Not because you didnt love your ex anymore, and her sex was wack. I wanted to know that you wanted to grow with me. I wanted to know that you saw something in me that you didnt see before & that you wanted ME. It was a confirnation that was never spoken about directly. Although i do remember saying to you multiple times "Why do you love me" & i never really got a concise answer. It always seemed as if it was because of something else. Not because you wanted to. I wanted to know that you grew to love me because you wanted to. I continued to play my part in your life because i wanted to. I wanted to prove to you that i was somebody. Maybe i was wrong for that right there. Trying to prove something to you. Maybe thats why our relationship fell apart the way it did.
I dont want to hurt you, AT ALL. At times though I genuinely feel as if you are a lazy lover. A lazy boyfriend. So complacent with someone doing for you that the easy way out is all you know...But how much can someone take? I cant do everything and receive nothing. I cant cook & clean & buy & accept & love too. When i am not receiving the same. Its only fair that two individuals bring 50 / 50 into a relationship. In the world that we live in it is almost expected that the female do less. But you werent exactly where you wanted to be and i was willing to help just in exchange for your trust, love, and loyalty. Even when everything was good you STILL didnt trust me. I constantly had to go through some sort of checkpoint in our relationship. CONSTANTLY. You had distrust in me since your friends went through emails from 2009, and never let it go. NEVER. You didnt understand simple rules of cause & effect. I found things in your phone MULTIPLE times & didnt argue about it CONSTANTLY because i loved you. I loved you unconditionally, and i dont think you did yet. I was with you everyday so whoever was hitting you was unimportant to me because I was there. EVERYDAY. Even when i was on Craigslist thats because i was upset & i knew you'd find them. I couldve deleted everything out my phone & computer. But i didnt want to because i knew that you would do another search sooner than later. I wanted to hurt you a little because you didnt trust me in the first place, werent giving me what i wanted & you were expecting the world & not giving a damn thing. You lost some of the ambition & drive you originally had and all you could do was focus on me when i was at work, coming from work, and every little second my phone went off. It was annoying and honestly THAT was the breakdown of us. You're the best at pointing the finger, but not being reflective. Not saying okay, my girl is doing this because im not stepping up to the plate. Even the little things. The times we'd go to my mothers and do laundry, id end up doing your laundry & mine all by myself as you did nothing but watch movies all day & be on my laptop. Id stay in your house, spend the entire day cleaning, and made sure you had a cooked meal when you came home & all i'd ask you to do is just clean YOUR dishes. I was doing everything else. Down to maintaining your haircuts, phone bill, clothes & everything. The least i expected was a little appreciation. A kiss. Cooperation. But once again there goes that word again....EXPECTATION. I have to learn to give that up.
I have to learn to give you up & stop believing in this dream that i had for us. Stop believing that you'll come back. It doesnt feel like it. Stop believeing that you care, or that you will again. And im sorry that i disappointed you. Hurts my pride to tell you how i feel but i feel i need to. Hurts me to know that you dont give a damn, but something deep in my heart says that you do. My tears flow consistently these days. The questions do too. I dont know if you wanted me back what i would say. I dont know if i would be stubborn or jump back into your arms. I just know that i'd at least like to know that you truly loved me but just didnt know how yet.
I'm okay with that. Ill just take this one day at a time, and write like i used to. Sad to say its come to me breaking down and returning to the point where i felt before in order for me to utilize this journal. But i guess all my thoughts are in one place. Poor pathetic me. But above all i still love you & i dont know why. Its hard to let time pass for this all to heal. I feel like ive waited forever already. I just want answers. I want to be where we were before in November last year. I want to be in love. I want to be with you. I want a family with you. Maybe ive put all my eggs in one basket. Everyone keeps telling me i can find better, but i dont want to find anything. I want my fairytale. I want my major. I want you next to me at night. I want to feel you hold me. I want you to reach over & feel for my body at midgnight. I want to watch you sleep, and wonder what you dream about. I want to laugh with you & annoy you. And everything else that couples do. Above all I want you near me and..
I MISS YOU.