Scar Tissue that I wish you saw
I had a dream about the Brit last night. There was a lot of indifference in the dream. Much better than waking up crying. I hope this means that I am working through my issues, even a little.
I have to do pilates and work out tomorrow. I have too much energy and not enough things burning it.
I'm going to exorcise, to get fit, to get healthy.
"I'll ( Read more... )
I have to do pilates and work out tomorrow. I have too much energy and not enough things burning it.
I'm going to exorcise, to get fit, to get healthy.
"I'll ( Read more... )
I've been bent out of shape for a while now...I've been "keeping myself busy" though, so much so that I've successfully avoided dealing with my pain. Not very smart, but I've been doing it and it's come to get me.
Saturday evening I reached a point that I was crying in the car over a song. I came in and chatted with my roomie about a show and the person on the show had the same name as the Brit I was involved with for so long. She didn't realise this, of course, but I did and I started sobbing, just heaving I was crying so hard. Sunday on the way to a friends for a night of board games, a song came on the radio by one of the Brits favorite rappers and I was crying again. Once we were at my friends house, another song by that same artist came on and there I was crying again.
My roomie says that it's time to just mourn, but I cannot bring myself to do it. She said "look, you've been running yourself ragged, and you've been avoiding it. But it seems to me the second you sit still, you fall apart. Well good for you. It's healthy, to ignore your pain. Keep it up and you'll have a breakdown. Look at yourself now. Keep it up see what happens."
(I need some snarky, tough love sometimes)
His birthday is coming up and I've been thinking a lot of him, wondering how life is treating him. I've been having dreams of lots of different things, I've been talking with my roomie about a lot of my issues and I'm trying to get down to whats hurting me. It's time to face demons, and get them out. Ultimately I need to show myself some love, spend some time thinking about not how life is treating him, but how I'm treating me.
It's been a long time swimming out this far, I can't expect to get back soon, but I will get back.
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