(no subject)
Yesterday I collapsed, cried, was ready to throw away half of my things I stormed out of the house in the dark because Billy didn't feel like listening, I walked in the dark around the East Campus it felt good to be alone. I wanted to hike the woods but thought getting bit by a rabid coyote or skunked wouldn't be worth it. I've needed extra solitude since Las Vegas. This culture is not mine. Photos from my sister's wedding in a place that made me despise civilization and popular culture arrived in the mail and some were nice of them because it is their culture but I saw myself in stupid makeup and stupid hair and I literally cried at the ugliness and tried focusing on the peace and beauty and love I felt backpacking in the mountains. I found a part of myself there and then I had to leave it, the unspeakable whole the glacier carved from that granite, a surprising whole in my life now: everything I was to do and change was so clear and then I came back to trying to make fifty people an hour happy; impossibilities; meanwhile I feel wasted, unchallenged, and completely in the wrong spot.
Why have people forgotten true beauty, real femininity?
Why are there a show about Kardashians and one about Bridalplasty?
Soon it will be 2011
I will probably request a week off in January so I could get away, do some more hiking and meditating, something drastic to myself because this is not working.
