Thinking
It's 12:32 am and quite frankly I can't sleep...I tried as hard as I could but as it is I just cannot whatsoever fall asleep! So many things are on my mind I don't have the thought of sleeping coming up very often so it just isn't working! I probably have a million things on my mind... ok maybe not a million but I do have a lot!
1. CHASE (Thinkin about how much I will miss him when I go to ohio and if he might come with me to C.P.)
2. RACHEL (Thinkin about if she might come 2 C.P. with me cant decide her or Chase and I think Rach will go and if she can't Chase will be my second choice and also I'm wondering how her and travis are doin since her dad found out about them)
3. DONTAE (Thinkin about oh no he is gonna hang with Bret and Cecil and abunch of other ppl THIS WEEKEND and he knows my deepest darkest secret! )
4. TOMORROW (Wondering what tomorrow will bring)
5. OHIO (Am I going down there or what? I hate this whole shindig)
6. MY POOL PARTY (Who all is coming and will ppl be offended if they aren't invited)
7. JACK AND PAUL (I am so confused...Idk who to call dad! Jack is more my dad than Paul EVER EVER was! But Paul still deserves some place in my heart even if it is just a little shodowed over piece of sympathy)
8. MOM (I had a dream last night that really scared me that she died and it was my fault... :( I'm scared something might happen to her and I won't be able to help her)
and yeah some more stuff but I don't feel like listing it all out. I was thinking about how much it must hurt to be Jack...to be like the second dad...but I feel like HE is my dad more than I do Paul even though Paul is my real dad... I hate this. I am so confused about who I should call dad...I mean....dad is such a hard word to use when your parents are divorced and u only c him like once or twice a fuck!ng year! I mean wtf am I supposed to do about it? He always puts guilt trips on me about not wanting to go down to c him and he is always saying how I won't leave my 'michigan life' behind for a few weeks to come and see my own father but thats the whole goshdamn point! Michigan IS my life! Everything I know is here in MICHGAN! Gosh! I'm sorry but it is hard to just drop everything you are doing and everything you ARE to go and visit someone who quite frankly now is nothing but a stranger to me! When he tells me he loves me I say it back and I mean it but sometimes it is SO hard! Some people say I'm lucky to have 2 dads but to be honest with you all it sucks ok? Bc they are jealous of eachother...my real dad is my dad and me and him have a very special bond and our relationship is strong but mine and jacks relationship is getting stronger too and I almost dont want that bc im scared that somehow my dad my real dad will be shoved out of the picture and i have already had doubts about even wanting to see him but i cant bc no matter what i will always be so close to my dad....but im scared......... not scared..........horrified.........no terrified that somehow me and jack will get really close and i will love him more than my dad and I DONT DONT DONT want that to happen! I hate this more than anything else in the WORLD that i am dealing with right now! I don't know what I would do if i were to love jack more but i hate jack feeling as if he is a secondary...someone who is just something extry i dont need.... :( well im starting to cry and i really dont want to considering my niece is here and i dont think she likes to see me cry... anyways.... until next time... goodnight everyone!
XOX~Chel-c Rose @-/----
1. CHASE (Thinkin about how much I will miss him when I go to ohio and if he might come with me to C.P.)
2. RACHEL (Thinkin about if she might come 2 C.P. with me cant decide her or Chase and I think Rach will go and if she can't Chase will be my second choice and also I'm wondering how her and travis are doin since her dad found out about them)
3. DONTAE (Thinkin about oh no he is gonna hang with Bret and Cecil and abunch of other ppl THIS WEEKEND and he knows my deepest darkest secret! )
4. TOMORROW (Wondering what tomorrow will bring)
5. OHIO (Am I going down there or what? I hate this whole shindig)
6. MY POOL PARTY (Who all is coming and will ppl be offended if they aren't invited)
7. JACK AND PAUL (I am so confused...Idk who to call dad! Jack is more my dad than Paul EVER EVER was! But Paul still deserves some place in my heart even if it is just a little shodowed over piece of sympathy)
8. MOM (I had a dream last night that really scared me that she died and it was my fault... :( I'm scared something might happen to her and I won't be able to help her)
and yeah some more stuff but I don't feel like listing it all out. I was thinking about how much it must hurt to be Jack...to be like the second dad...but I feel like HE is my dad more than I do Paul even though Paul is my real dad... I hate this. I am so confused about who I should call dad...I mean....dad is such a hard word to use when your parents are divorced and u only c him like once or twice a fuck!ng year! I mean wtf am I supposed to do about it? He always puts guilt trips on me about not wanting to go down to c him and he is always saying how I won't leave my 'michigan life' behind for a few weeks to come and see my own father but thats the whole goshdamn point! Michigan IS my life! Everything I know is here in MICHGAN! Gosh! I'm sorry but it is hard to just drop everything you are doing and everything you ARE to go and visit someone who quite frankly now is nothing but a stranger to me! When he tells me he loves me I say it back and I mean it but sometimes it is SO hard! Some people say I'm lucky to have 2 dads but to be honest with you all it sucks ok? Bc they are jealous of eachother...my real dad is my dad and me and him have a very special bond and our relationship is strong but mine and jacks relationship is getting stronger too and I almost dont want that bc im scared that somehow my dad my real dad will be shoved out of the picture and i have already had doubts about even wanting to see him but i cant bc no matter what i will always be so close to my dad....but im scared......... not scared..........horrified.........no terrified that somehow me and jack will get really close and i will love him more than my dad and I DONT DONT DONT want that to happen! I hate this more than anything else in the WORLD that i am dealing with right now! I don't know what I would do if i were to love jack more but i hate jack feeling as if he is a secondary...someone who is just something extry i dont need.... :( well im starting to cry and i really dont want to considering my niece is here and i dont think she likes to see me cry... anyways.... until next time... goodnight everyone!
XOX~Chel-c Rose @-/----