Sadness, loss, and, frustration
A friend has set me straight on the recovery period. The doctors and nurses, including me, always tell patients it should take about six to eight weeks to recovery from a major surgery like mine. But, I hear from my friend that it really take about 3 months to feel back to your normal self. I cried to hear this.
I had so many plans for this summer. Softball, landscaping to make some extra money so we can pay down debt in preparation to buy our first home, mountain biking, swimming, making a new garden at home, dancing and partying a bit. And just plain enjoying the summer in any way I can. Three months from my surgery will be July and then it'll be time for my second surgery. Oh boy, just when I start to feel better I'll have start another recovery period.
Not only am I frustrated that I can't do what I want but I feel unattractive too. I normally feel pretty comfortable with my body but not with this ileostomy. At first it was okay and I didn't mind people seeing it or knowing I have it but not anymore. I really became aware of these feeling last week when I saw a friend while out for a walk. I told him how I have to have my second surgury, in July, to reattach my small intestine to my new plumbing. He responded by saying, " No offense but that sound kinda gross." I know he didn't mean to hurt my feeling but I cried all the way home and it made me realize just how upset I am with my current situation, both physical and emotional.
I feel like a big jerk complaining all the time about this. I do feel grateful about a lot of things, especially all the support from my friends, family, and co-workers but I really had no idea that I would be dealing with all these feelings of sadness, loss, and, frustration. Not to mention how vulnerable I feel because I am so weak. Six or eight months from now I will be all healed and I never have to worry about colon cancer again but it all seems so far away. I get so tired and frustrated so often that it just seems so far away. Everyone says I look really good and I say thanks everytime...I just wish I felt good. It's funny because with things like nursing and my daughter I have endless patience but when it comes to myself I have none.
Maybe patience for myself and letting others care for me are some of the things I'm supposed to learn right now. I believe that we are put into situations like this not for punishment but to learn things we have thus far failed to learn. I guess I better start learning because if I don't do it now the next learning experience might be alot more harsh. I still have all my senses, I can walk, my family is intact, etc. I am just lacking a colon which I can live without and my iloestomy is only temporary, I hope.
Time to go rest. Thanks again to all who read my rambles and provide me with comfort.
I had so many plans for this summer. Softball, landscaping to make some extra money so we can pay down debt in preparation to buy our first home, mountain biking, swimming, making a new garden at home, dancing and partying a bit. And just plain enjoying the summer in any way I can. Three months from my surgery will be July and then it'll be time for my second surgery. Oh boy, just when I start to feel better I'll have start another recovery period.
Not only am I frustrated that I can't do what I want but I feel unattractive too. I normally feel pretty comfortable with my body but not with this ileostomy. At first it was okay and I didn't mind people seeing it or knowing I have it but not anymore. I really became aware of these feeling last week when I saw a friend while out for a walk. I told him how I have to have my second surgury, in July, to reattach my small intestine to my new plumbing. He responded by saying, " No offense but that sound kinda gross." I know he didn't mean to hurt my feeling but I cried all the way home and it made me realize just how upset I am with my current situation, both physical and emotional.
I feel like a big jerk complaining all the time about this. I do feel grateful about a lot of things, especially all the support from my friends, family, and co-workers but I really had no idea that I would be dealing with all these feelings of sadness, loss, and, frustration. Not to mention how vulnerable I feel because I am so weak. Six or eight months from now I will be all healed and I never have to worry about colon cancer again but it all seems so far away. I get so tired and frustrated so often that it just seems so far away. Everyone says I look really good and I say thanks everytime...I just wish I felt good. It's funny because with things like nursing and my daughter I have endless patience but when it comes to myself I have none.
Maybe patience for myself and letting others care for me are some of the things I'm supposed to learn right now. I believe that we are put into situations like this not for punishment but to learn things we have thus far failed to learn. I guess I better start learning because if I don't do it now the next learning experience might be alot more harsh. I still have all my senses, I can walk, my family is intact, etc. I am just lacking a colon which I can live without and my iloestomy is only temporary, I hope.
Time to go rest. Thanks again to all who read my rambles and provide me with comfort.