WOMAN! this is for you all... I still love women just for the record...so dont hate me please,luv me
What do you call the useless skin around a pussy?
A woman.
What's the best thing about getting a blow job?
The whole time she can't talk.
Why do women have arms?
Do you know how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do women fake their orgasms?
Because they think we care.
How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg her to blow your paycheck.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
Why don't women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
Women are like guns... keep one around long enough
and you’re going to want to shoot it.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
When they take out the brain.
What's the best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.
What do you do when your woman comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
Make her chain shorter.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What the hell was that bitch doing out of the kitchen and why is she wearing shoes?
Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because the dishwasher should match the stove and refrigerator.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
how are women like rocks?
the flat ones are easier to skip.
What does pussy and a warm toilet seat have in common?
They're both nice to have but you always wonder who was there before you.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What does a woman have in common with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
When you’re done with the thighs and breasts, you've got a greasy box to stick your bone in.
How is pussy like grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits!"
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
She has to chew before she can swallow.
What do women and screen doors have in common?
The more you bang 'em, the looser they get.
Why did God give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What does a woman put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
Why do women have foreheads when they don't have brains?
So we have a place to kiss them after they suck our cocks.
What do fat chicks do in the summer?
Stink.
Why did God create women?
Because sheep can't fetch beer from the fridge.
Why do women have legs?
1: So they don't get suction-cupped to their seats.
2: So they can walk between the bedroom and the kitchen.
3: So they don't leave snail trails.
What is red and has 7 tiny little dents in it?
Snow White’s cherry.
How is a woman like a computer?
You don't really appreciate them until they go down on you.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
What is a woman?
A life support system for a vagina.
How are women like postage stamps?
You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away.
How are women like bowling balls?
You finger them and throw 'em in the gutter, and they keep coming back for more.
How are women like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What's the difference between a menstruating woman and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man having a good time.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money!!!
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
She starts with "A man once told me..."
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
What are the three reasons anal sex is better?
It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.
What does Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common?
They both enjoy fucking pigs.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
Orgasms: just one more thing for women to yell about.
How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her legs swell up.
What's a clitoris?
A female hood ornament.
What do you call the white flaky stuff you find in a woman's panties?
Clitty Litter.
What do you call ripping off a woman’s clothes and throwing her on the bed?
Foreplay.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Why do they call it the wonder bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Why do women sky-divers wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.
Why are hurricanes named after women?
When they come its warm and wet... when they go they take your house and car with them.
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is warm and wonderful... a cunt is who owns it.
What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A penis.
How can you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?
They’re Braille for 'suck here'.
How are fat chicks like mopeds?
They're both fun to ride till your friends find out.
Which part of a woman's body does she enjoy being touched the most?
Who cares?
Why did God put women's two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a "waist"?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits there.
Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
There's nothing wrong with women's libito
it just needs a man to get it organized.
What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
Erection day.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up enough pressure.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 99%. It's called "wedding cake".
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up once you let him in.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens all over the world, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: “Wife Wanted." The next day he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Golfer to buddy: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
Buddy: "GREAT trade!"
A woman.
What's the best thing about getting a blow job?
The whole time she can't talk.
Why do women have arms?
Do you know how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do women fake their orgasms?
Because they think we care.
How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg her to blow your paycheck.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
Why don't women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
Women are like guns... keep one around long enough
and you’re going to want to shoot it.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
When they take out the brain.
What's the best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.
What do you do when your woman comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
Make her chain shorter.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What the hell was that bitch doing out of the kitchen and why is she wearing shoes?
Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because the dishwasher should match the stove and refrigerator.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
how are women like rocks?
the flat ones are easier to skip.
What does pussy and a warm toilet seat have in common?
They're both nice to have but you always wonder who was there before you.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What does a woman have in common with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
When you’re done with the thighs and breasts, you've got a greasy box to stick your bone in.
How is pussy like grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits!"
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
She has to chew before she can swallow.
What do women and screen doors have in common?
The more you bang 'em, the looser they get.
Why did God give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What does a woman put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
Why do women have foreheads when they don't have brains?
So we have a place to kiss them after they suck our cocks.
What do fat chicks do in the summer?
Stink.
Why did God create women?
Because sheep can't fetch beer from the fridge.
Why do women have legs?
1: So they don't get suction-cupped to their seats.
2: So they can walk between the bedroom and the kitchen.
3: So they don't leave snail trails.
What is red and has 7 tiny little dents in it?
Snow White’s cherry.
How is a woman like a computer?
You don't really appreciate them until they go down on you.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
What is a woman?
A life support system for a vagina.
How are women like postage stamps?
You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away.
How are women like bowling balls?
You finger them and throw 'em in the gutter, and they keep coming back for more.
How are women like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What's the difference between a menstruating woman and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man having a good time.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money!!!
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
She starts with "A man once told me..."
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
What are the three reasons anal sex is better?
It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.
What does Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common?
They both enjoy fucking pigs.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
Orgasms: just one more thing for women to yell about.
How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her legs swell up.
What's a clitoris?
A female hood ornament.
What do you call the white flaky stuff you find in a woman's panties?
Clitty Litter.
What do you call ripping off a woman’s clothes and throwing her on the bed?
Foreplay.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Why do they call it the wonder bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Why do women sky-divers wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.
Why are hurricanes named after women?
When they come its warm and wet... when they go they take your house and car with them.
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is warm and wonderful... a cunt is who owns it.
What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A penis.
How can you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?
They’re Braille for 'suck here'.
How are fat chicks like mopeds?
They're both fun to ride till your friends find out.
Which part of a woman's body does she enjoy being touched the most?
Who cares?
Why did God put women's two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a "waist"?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits there.
Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
There's nothing wrong with women's libito
it just needs a man to get it organized.
What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
Erection day.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up enough pressure.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 99%. It's called "wedding cake".
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up once you let him in.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens all over the world, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: “Wife Wanted." The next day he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Golfer to buddy: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
Buddy: "GREAT trade!"