"How do you know when you love a person...?" "When they leave."
"There are certain people in you just keep coming back to..."
Fuck.
I tried talking with him again. It's been 3, 4 months since we even exchanged words. He was cold, as I thought. I asked him questions. He answered matter-of-factly. I tried to share words of wisdom. He brushed them off. Said he was growing up, trying to repair broken friendships, get back into 'the group', stop the lying, cheating, backstabbing, be a better friend overall, to everyone.
I...I told him I would always be his friend. I always had been. That I never stopped, even when he made it so easy to leave and so difficult to listen.
I told him I would always listen, never judge, never expect anything of him more than his company. I would be, and always have been there when he popped out of nowhere, needing a place to stay, needing help moving, needing someone to talk to about how fucked everything has become...
I...I told him to not be such a stranger.
...he hasn't said a word to me since.
I can't even express to anyone how much that hurts, but how can I do anything but accept it? It's like...my other friends don't even know what they have, having him as a friend, having him there to talk to, having him there to discuss things other than the same goddamn, mundane bullshit everyday, how lucky they are to even have him indulge them in all their stupid bullshit...
I had that once. Twice, even. What did I do? I balked, I shied away, I fucked up...
...and if I could give anything, do anything with my life right now, it would be to take everything I did back. To throw myself at him and confess everything, to beg for a chance to try again...
I love him so much...always have. And it won't fucking go away. All it does is tear hole after hole in my esteem, my soul, my heart...
...I have to leave. I think I'll die if I don't. I can't deal with what people say about him, how they talk down about him as if they ever really knew...
They didn't. They don't. It sounds stupid and retarded...but it's true. You don't even fucking know what that man and those very ideas you talk down about mean to me. Meant to me. How deep those thoughts and emotions go...it's endless.
I was always looking for his approval. I don't know if I'll ever stop.
I just...I'd give anything. Once upon a time, I said I'd never give up a friendship for that. And so he left. Now I know...I would. In a heartbeat. As unhealthy and dependent and pathetic as that sounds...I would. I will.
In a heartbeat.
Same old story, different goddamn day.
Fuck.
I tried talking with him again. It's been 3, 4 months since we even exchanged words. He was cold, as I thought. I asked him questions. He answered matter-of-factly. I tried to share words of wisdom. He brushed them off. Said he was growing up, trying to repair broken friendships, get back into 'the group', stop the lying, cheating, backstabbing, be a better friend overall, to everyone.
I...I told him I would always be his friend. I always had been. That I never stopped, even when he made it so easy to leave and so difficult to listen.
I told him I would always listen, never judge, never expect anything of him more than his company. I would be, and always have been there when he popped out of nowhere, needing a place to stay, needing help moving, needing someone to talk to about how fucked everything has become...
I...I told him to not be such a stranger.
...he hasn't said a word to me since.
I can't even express to anyone how much that hurts, but how can I do anything but accept it? It's like...my other friends don't even know what they have, having him as a friend, having him there to talk to, having him there to discuss things other than the same goddamn, mundane bullshit everyday, how lucky they are to even have him indulge them in all their stupid bullshit...
I had that once. Twice, even. What did I do? I balked, I shied away, I fucked up...
...and if I could give anything, do anything with my life right now, it would be to take everything I did back. To throw myself at him and confess everything, to beg for a chance to try again...
I love him so much...always have. And it won't fucking go away. All it does is tear hole after hole in my esteem, my soul, my heart...
...I have to leave. I think I'll die if I don't. I can't deal with what people say about him, how they talk down about him as if they ever really knew...
They didn't. They don't. It sounds stupid and retarded...but it's true. You don't even fucking know what that man and those very ideas you talk down about mean to me. Meant to me. How deep those thoughts and emotions go...it's endless.
I was always looking for his approval. I don't know if I'll ever stop.
I just...I'd give anything. Once upon a time, I said I'd never give up a friendship for that. And so he left. Now I know...I would. In a heartbeat. As unhealthy and dependent and pathetic as that sounds...I would. I will.
In a heartbeat.
Same old story, different goddamn day.