...
The longer Jamie is down in the States, and the longer I'm out of communication with him, the more I'm finding I don't really mind a whole helluva lot anymore. I went through the initial depression, it ran it's course, and now, over a month later, I find I just don't care anymore.
He called me for the first time in two weeks today and told me he got a stick n poke (crude tattoo) on his arm that says "I'm able as shit" (definitely not spelled nearly as well).
Like, really? I'm fucking paralyzed with disbelief (which I shoulda known, it's Jamie, and isn't so unbelievable) and deep down inherently embarrassed I let him stick his dick in me.
Yea, yea, I get the whole "image isn't everything", "doing it for the lulz", "I don't give a damn" THING, but...call me a bitch, but it's enough that I don't see myself with him in the future. And that's a depressing thought.
It's just, a lot of times, I really wish I had taste in actual men, y'know, a member of the male sex that is actually at a healthy developmental stage in life. Shit, someone who has a job and their own vehicle would be a godsend. I've been taking care of and relying on myself in every relationship. Every goddamn one. It seems like a trivial thing until you've never experienced it, but just once I'd like someone to drive ME around and have the spare cash to actually have a surprise for ME. Jamie always chalked it up to me being money-grubbing and would respond by drunkenly throwing things at me. You can see where the resentment has started to take root.
It doesn't help that I've been consistently dreaming about Z again, and he's...well, prolly out of the picture for good this time. 'Fool me once, fool me twice', I'm just gonna chalk the whole thing up as BULLSHIT and move on.
But are these standards really so bad? Am I a bitch for desiring financial stability and the self-control to NOT get such unfunny and blatantly ridiculous tattoos? And is it unhealthy and selfish to communicate my desire for a good old-fashioned surprise or gift or even a goddamn birthday present?
Ugh, the biggest downer is that it seems they are and I'm gonna end up alone in Life.
Yayyyyy...
He called me for the first time in two weeks today and told me he got a stick n poke (crude tattoo) on his arm that says "I'm able as shit" (definitely not spelled nearly as well).
Like, really? I'm fucking paralyzed with disbelief (which I shoulda known, it's Jamie, and isn't so unbelievable) and deep down inherently embarrassed I let him stick his dick in me.
Yea, yea, I get the whole "image isn't everything", "doing it for the lulz", "I don't give a damn" THING, but...call me a bitch, but it's enough that I don't see myself with him in the future. And that's a depressing thought.
It's just, a lot of times, I really wish I had taste in actual men, y'know, a member of the male sex that is actually at a healthy developmental stage in life. Shit, someone who has a job and their own vehicle would be a godsend. I've been taking care of and relying on myself in every relationship. Every goddamn one. It seems like a trivial thing until you've never experienced it, but just once I'd like someone to drive ME around and have the spare cash to actually have a surprise for ME. Jamie always chalked it up to me being money-grubbing and would respond by drunkenly throwing things at me. You can see where the resentment has started to take root.
It doesn't help that I've been consistently dreaming about Z again, and he's...well, prolly out of the picture for good this time. 'Fool me once, fool me twice', I'm just gonna chalk the whole thing up as BULLSHIT and move on.
But are these standards really so bad? Am I a bitch for desiring financial stability and the self-control to NOT get such unfunny and blatantly ridiculous tattoos? And is it unhealthy and selfish to communicate my desire for a good old-fashioned surprise or gift or even a goddamn birthday present?
Ugh, the biggest downer is that it seems they are and I'm gonna end up alone in Life.
Yayyyyy...