it's about time
i figure it's about that time that i update this thing. it's been awhile...i know! sad to say there's not a whole lot new in my life. i'm still living in michigan, which i hate! but i'm surviving. i was supposed to be going to new york next week for an interview, but although i would love the job, i can't afford to live in NYC and getting off work at 11:30pm is a little to late for a commute back to jersey. as much as i would absolutely love to live in the city, i'd rather be able to save my money and live somewhere much cheaper and be able to travel and stuff than have to work 3 jobs just to pay rent!
so i'm still looking. i'm just trying to find some happiness out here. when i discussed moving back here with my father he told me that he could get me a job with any number of companies. however the only option he has pursued is the job with his company. although that's a huge other story. so i was planning on confronting my dad tonight. so i started the work conversation, which then took on a life of it's own. i ended up causing a huge fight between my parents. not that i caused it, pretty sure it's been building for a really long time. but as i was sitting in the living room trying to listen to what they were talking about a few rooms away, i realised this was the first time that they had aired this sort of fight within range of me. they've always fought around us, but petty stuff, nothing that concerned the strength of their marriage or big stuff like this. it was weird. and not good. but oh well. nothing i can do. i just need to get the hell outta here! and fast!
i've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. trying to figure out who i am and what i want out of life. haven't really come up with a lot of answers, but it's made me look back on quite a few choices i've made. now i don't like to regret anything, and for the most part i don't. but in regard to relationships i've been thinking a lot about the what if's. i made a lot of bad decisions and i hurt a lot of people, including myself. and i regret that. i wish i hadn't just jumped into things. i should have seriously thought things through. but unfortunately i rarely do that, and that gets me into trouble more times than you'll ever know. but mostly i've regretted not standing up for myself more. (don't read into this, nothing bad has ever happened)but i've let myself be taken advantage of. and i've let myself get hurt by not watching my back. matt once told me that my problem was that i get too attached too quickly, and that's why i get so hurt, he was right. took me a long time to realise that, but he was right. i don't know how to change this, but at least i know now.
well my dad just went to bed so it should be safe to head back downstairs. g'night
so i'm still looking. i'm just trying to find some happiness out here. when i discussed moving back here with my father he told me that he could get me a job with any number of companies. however the only option he has pursued is the job with his company. although that's a huge other story. so i was planning on confronting my dad tonight. so i started the work conversation, which then took on a life of it's own. i ended up causing a huge fight between my parents. not that i caused it, pretty sure it's been building for a really long time. but as i was sitting in the living room trying to listen to what they were talking about a few rooms away, i realised this was the first time that they had aired this sort of fight within range of me. they've always fought around us, but petty stuff, nothing that concerned the strength of their marriage or big stuff like this. it was weird. and not good. but oh well. nothing i can do. i just need to get the hell outta here! and fast!
i've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. trying to figure out who i am and what i want out of life. haven't really come up with a lot of answers, but it's made me look back on quite a few choices i've made. now i don't like to regret anything, and for the most part i don't. but in regard to relationships i've been thinking a lot about the what if's. i made a lot of bad decisions and i hurt a lot of people, including myself. and i regret that. i wish i hadn't just jumped into things. i should have seriously thought things through. but unfortunately i rarely do that, and that gets me into trouble more times than you'll ever know. but mostly i've regretted not standing up for myself more. (don't read into this, nothing bad has ever happened)but i've let myself be taken advantage of. and i've let myself get hurt by not watching my back. matt once told me that my problem was that i get too attached too quickly, and that's why i get so hurt, he was right. took me a long time to realise that, but he was right. i don't know how to change this, but at least i know now.
well my dad just went to bed so it should be safe to head back downstairs. g'night