Christmas reflections
ah...Christmas. bah humbug i say. i'm not feeling the christmas spirit this year...at all. could be the fact that i was working in the retail world for the beginning of the season, but something tells me that's not it. i just don't feel excited about it as i used to. right now i'm at my parents house in michigan, there is about a foot or more of snow, which sucks. but is good in some ways, cause a lot of people really wanted a white christmas, so now they are getting it. but it makes my leaving a whole lot harder. the drive out here wasn't bad. it was actually pleasant doing it alone, which is good, cause the next one will be even longer. but i'm confident that i can do it now, all i have to do now though is convince my parents the same thing. (yeah, as though that will ever happen)
i miss maggie. i wish i could have taken her with me, but she had to stay in jersey. she never would have fit in my car, and i'm afraid she would have tried to eat barney, and then we would have had major problems!
it's almost 7am here, and i slept for maybe 5 hours. i have no idea why i'm up. i'm sick, i should be sleeping. but i have trouble falling asleep, so i'm afraid that now that i'm up...there is no going back...GRRRR!
i can't wait to get back. i know it will be hard, and that it will be completely different. but i'm ok with that. i just miss it. i miss everything about it, the people, the area, the beauty. i never really took advantage of everything when i was out there, i plan on doing that now. cause there is so much to do. i want to see it all. but i need a job. the trip out is going to kill me financially. but oh well, it's well worth it!
i'm confused by a message i recently received. why after so long? what's the ulterior motive? but i'm not going to dwell on it.
i'm scared. i know that i'm 22 (almost 23) but i still look for the approval of my parents. and they definitely do not approve this move. but this is somethiing that i know i have to do. and therefor i'm going to do. i'm going to go out there and make it work, but i have to. i have to prove them wrong. they don't seem to understand, they've deprived me of a real "home" for so long, that when i finally find a place that fits that description, i don't wan to leave it. washington is that place for me. i just wish that they could understand, or at least just let me go knowing that i'm doing what i need to do. i was talking to paul(the other one) and we were comparing how our parents use guilt. it's funny, both of our parents do it the same way, but why? we are both grown ups? leave us be...but i supposed that is the role of a parent, to never let you be. i can see this from my grandfather. he is 84 and still uses guilt on his children, and they are swayed by it. well not me...i won't give in to it.
in other news, i had a very emotional visit to a cemetery a few weeks back. i went to see my grandmother. it was weird. i've never gone to a cemetery to where someone i knew is buried. i didn't make it back to her funeral, and so this was really the first time that i got to say goodbye. i cried like a baby the second i saw her tombstone. i think in a way it finally made it real to me. it was hard, but i kinda felt her there. i was lost in the cemetary (yeah, i know, a great place to be lost at dusk in the rain!) and i was walking around trying to find her headstone, and i felt this sort of pull towards her. you don't have to believe me, but that's what i felt.
well i think i'm going to be off. try to get a couple hours more sleep. then wake up and do the pretend happy christmas thing. i hope everyone has a better christmas then I. and i'll be seeing you all real soon. well except for miss caitlin, who is living it up over in italy, have i mentioned i hate you? ;), no not really i still love you!
buh-bye
i miss maggie. i wish i could have taken her with me, but she had to stay in jersey. she never would have fit in my car, and i'm afraid she would have tried to eat barney, and then we would have had major problems!
it's almost 7am here, and i slept for maybe 5 hours. i have no idea why i'm up. i'm sick, i should be sleeping. but i have trouble falling asleep, so i'm afraid that now that i'm up...there is no going back...GRRRR!
i can't wait to get back. i know it will be hard, and that it will be completely different. but i'm ok with that. i just miss it. i miss everything about it, the people, the area, the beauty. i never really took advantage of everything when i was out there, i plan on doing that now. cause there is so much to do. i want to see it all. but i need a job. the trip out is going to kill me financially. but oh well, it's well worth it!
i'm confused by a message i recently received. why after so long? what's the ulterior motive? but i'm not going to dwell on it.
i'm scared. i know that i'm 22 (almost 23) but i still look for the approval of my parents. and they definitely do not approve this move. but this is somethiing that i know i have to do. and therefor i'm going to do. i'm going to go out there and make it work, but i have to. i have to prove them wrong. they don't seem to understand, they've deprived me of a real "home" for so long, that when i finally find a place that fits that description, i don't wan to leave it. washington is that place for me. i just wish that they could understand, or at least just let me go knowing that i'm doing what i need to do. i was talking to paul(the other one) and we were comparing how our parents use guilt. it's funny, both of our parents do it the same way, but why? we are both grown ups? leave us be...but i supposed that is the role of a parent, to never let you be. i can see this from my grandfather. he is 84 and still uses guilt on his children, and they are swayed by it. well not me...i won't give in to it.
in other news, i had a very emotional visit to a cemetery a few weeks back. i went to see my grandmother. it was weird. i've never gone to a cemetery to where someone i knew is buried. i didn't make it back to her funeral, and so this was really the first time that i got to say goodbye. i cried like a baby the second i saw her tombstone. i think in a way it finally made it real to me. it was hard, but i kinda felt her there. i was lost in the cemetary (yeah, i know, a great place to be lost at dusk in the rain!) and i was walking around trying to find her headstone, and i felt this sort of pull towards her. you don't have to believe me, but that's what i felt.
well i think i'm going to be off. try to get a couple hours more sleep. then wake up and do the pretend happy christmas thing. i hope everyone has a better christmas then I. and i'll be seeing you all real soon. well except for miss caitlin, who is living it up over in italy, have i mentioned i hate you? ;), no not really i still love you!
buh-bye