Postmodern Sleaze
and I know what I feel should be
The semester continues to go very well. It's odd though, or, maybe, not odd at all that I've been thinking almost non-stop about what I'm going to be doing 6 months or so down the road. I'm sure this is a common syndrome for college students about to graduate and as I sit here in the school's computer lab, typing on the dirtiest keyboard I've ever seen, I look around and I wonder if there are other people right here thinking the same thing. What strikes me as odd about it is not so much the fact that I've been preoccupied with my future so much as the fact that I have so many options. Do other people realize this? When I think about some of my friends or friends of friends who are stuck doing something that they hate, living somewhere they hate, and complaining about not having any other options do they have any idea how many options there are? That's what gets me, not so much that I'm finishing my Undergraduate education and now have to move on to something else so much as the sheer number of options that I have to move on to. Do I want to move up to VA? Yes I do but there are other options that may be more economical at the end of this year. Do I want to move to PA well, I don't really know but I can't deny the huge appeal of free/cheap rent and excellent roomates (and a puppy!). Do I want to go to Japan? Am I ready for something like that right out of school? I know I can do it, some part of me knows that I can but honestly I'm scared. I love being close to my family and I know that part of growing up is being able to let go of that and being able to realize that they're always going to be there for me even if I do live a few thousand miles away but it's still not something that comes quickly or easily to me. Do I want to stay here? No, not really but there are a lot of good options for me to get some great experience here and continue to get my shit in order for grad school. I didn't really "get" college until this year, this semester even. I didn't understand how it's supposed to work. I spent a lot of time in my first few years of college just trying to get myself together and become comfortable enough in my own skin that I could finally take a look around at where I was and what I was doing. I've discovered so many things.
I really love college. I used to think that I hated all of it. I've always loved learning but I hated the academia of it. I hated the stupid bullshit you had to go through to get to where you wanted to be and I still do. But I've realized that I honestly enjoy the academic lifestyle. Two years ago I thought I would need at least a few years after I graduated before I went back to school. Now as I walk around campus I think about all of the things I still want to try and I'm already thinking about coming back. Maybe it's what I get for spending too much time hanging out with grad/post-grad students but I can't wait to get to work on my first Masters degree. I could be happy doing so many things. I hear that that's a good trait to have so, hopefully it will help me out in my future-life. I know I've said it before but I really do think that no matter what it is that I do as long as I'm doing something I'll be happy with myself. I find myself often asking (to anyone who will listen) "what the hell am I going to do with my life/ in August/ about school/ etc.?" and sometimes thinking about it scares me, sometimes it stresses me out, and sometimes, like right now it makes me so excited I can't wait to find out.
The semester continues to go very well. It's odd though, or, maybe, not odd at all that I've been thinking almost non-stop about what I'm going to be doing 6 months or so down the road. I'm sure this is a common syndrome for college students about to graduate and as I sit here in the school's computer lab, typing on the dirtiest keyboard I've ever seen, I look around and I wonder if there are other people right here thinking the same thing. What strikes me as odd about it is not so much the fact that I've been preoccupied with my future so much as the fact that I have so many options. Do other people realize this? When I think about some of my friends or friends of friends who are stuck doing something that they hate, living somewhere they hate, and complaining about not having any other options do they have any idea how many options there are? That's what gets me, not so much that I'm finishing my Undergraduate education and now have to move on to something else so much as the sheer number of options that I have to move on to. Do I want to move up to VA? Yes I do but there are other options that may be more economical at the end of this year. Do I want to move to PA well, I don't really know but I can't deny the huge appeal of free/cheap rent and excellent roomates (and a puppy!). Do I want to go to Japan? Am I ready for something like that right out of school? I know I can do it, some part of me knows that I can but honestly I'm scared. I love being close to my family and I know that part of growing up is being able to let go of that and being able to realize that they're always going to be there for me even if I do live a few thousand miles away but it's still not something that comes quickly or easily to me. Do I want to stay here? No, not really but there are a lot of good options for me to get some great experience here and continue to get my shit in order for grad school. I didn't really "get" college until this year, this semester even. I didn't understand how it's supposed to work. I spent a lot of time in my first few years of college just trying to get myself together and become comfortable enough in my own skin that I could finally take a look around at where I was and what I was doing. I've discovered so many things.
I really love college. I used to think that I hated all of it. I've always loved learning but I hated the academia of it. I hated the stupid bullshit you had to go through to get to where you wanted to be and I still do. But I've realized that I honestly enjoy the academic lifestyle. Two years ago I thought I would need at least a few years after I graduated before I went back to school. Now as I walk around campus I think about all of the things I still want to try and I'm already thinking about coming back. Maybe it's what I get for spending too much time hanging out with grad/post-grad students but I can't wait to get to work on my first Masters degree. I could be happy doing so many things. I hear that that's a good trait to have so, hopefully it will help me out in my future-life. I know I've said it before but I really do think that no matter what it is that I do as long as I'm doing something I'll be happy with myself. I find myself often asking (to anyone who will listen) "what the hell am I going to do with my life/ in August/ about school/ etc.?" and sometimes thinking about it scares me, sometimes it stresses me out, and sometimes, like right now it makes me so excited I can't wait to find out.