rambles of someone lost and tired
it was a three comforter night last night. fall and winter must be upon us. i'm 16 stairs away from getting home if by chance i can do it all again so that i can go down too (haven't trieds that part yet but in one way or another gravity may have ahelp in it.) mri is monday, gameplan to follow, go team!
i need to find strength from somewhere for these weeks coming up. i'm not sure if i can do this or not, but i'll die trying (haha). my head has not stopped feeling fuzzy for weeks now, it's a combination of tiredness that no amount of sleep can erase and this big question if i am doing this right and whether the coices i have made will keep me on the path that i would like. which of course is being alive and well enough to function like any othere human being (or close there of) fuctioning is less than optimal right now.
my hope is that i nor anyone that i love will have too decide whether i need to continue on with a treatment because my body will shut down completely before that happens. does that make sense? maybe if by chance i was born without the ability to walk, think, talk or function in someway my tolerance wouldn't be so low when i wasn't able to do them. i understand that shit happens but this really does stink and so what do you usually do when it stinks so bad? you leave the room but where would i end up if i ddid? this really does feel like groundhogs day here, but then if i look just a tad closer i notice something completely different, wonderfull and new that i have never seeen before and knowing that although 23.5 hours are going to be the same i also remember that other .5 hour that had something wonderous and new to be seen in it. that's what keeps me going.. what keeps me saying yes to the treatments and surgeries that mindfully i really *really* don't want. yet doesn't life no matter what lead you to one path?
oy,don't read that the wrong way. i *don't* want to be immortal. i want to be human flaws, dying, and all. i would like the years though that others have . i want wrinkles and vacations, social security and 62 (unless the govn't screws us), i want to buy a house, marry, graduate colllege and all that. and god help me i know i am being selfish and hardheaded! i know i am because there are so many people out there that have only had a little of that before leaving this earth and yet we doint'hear them bitching tthrough the clouds so there must be *something* that really is meant to be. where does that leave me and why doesn't knowing these things make me sleep a little better and make me want to go through treatment without so much hesitatiion?
never in my life would i imagine that i would be at this place that life has taken me, yet here i am. and when i look to what my life might be i can't see that , so yeah maybe it really was meant to be... well, i can see myself perhaps married, a child, working, but it sseems more like a vision of someone elses life rather than my very own. with either situation i would still have so self doubt somewhere probably. i do realize that i go into each day witha better eyesight than most simply because i'm closer than what most are to what is the other side of this life, but it also makes you shy back from the life side too just in case, because then, you know, if you do end up falling to the other side it won't be so hard and so many people won't be hurt.
i sometimes wonder if that makes me bias, makes it so that the sky is a shade greyer than what it should be or instead of the two wonderful things that happen you only see the one. i know that i can't close my eyes this afternoon and know that the tomorrow i know will actually come. i can just hope ya know. yet, going through all these what if's and might be's and what ares i realize that the person that made this, this world, might not have been perfect and may have not known all the answers themselves. i'm not sure if that is good or not, but it'd be sort of scary to think that life is completely made of happen chance. i just wish that i could close my eyes for a moment and pretend normalcy really is a word and that it actually is possible to acheive.
i need to find strength from somewhere for these weeks coming up. i'm not sure if i can do this or not, but i'll die trying (haha). my head has not stopped feeling fuzzy for weeks now, it's a combination of tiredness that no amount of sleep can erase and this big question if i am doing this right and whether the coices i have made will keep me on the path that i would like. which of course is being alive and well enough to function like any othere human being (or close there of) fuctioning is less than optimal right now.
my hope is that i nor anyone that i love will have too decide whether i need to continue on with a treatment because my body will shut down completely before that happens. does that make sense? maybe if by chance i was born without the ability to walk, think, talk or function in someway my tolerance wouldn't be so low when i wasn't able to do them. i understand that shit happens but this really does stink and so what do you usually do when it stinks so bad? you leave the room but where would i end up if i ddid? this really does feel like groundhogs day here, but then if i look just a tad closer i notice something completely different, wonderfull and new that i have never seeen before and knowing that although 23.5 hours are going to be the same i also remember that other .5 hour that had something wonderous and new to be seen in it. that's what keeps me going.. what keeps me saying yes to the treatments and surgeries that mindfully i really *really* don't want. yet doesn't life no matter what lead you to one path?
oy,don't read that the wrong way. i *don't* want to be immortal. i want to be human flaws, dying, and all. i would like the years though that others have . i want wrinkles and vacations, social security and 62 (unless the govn't screws us), i want to buy a house, marry, graduate colllege and all that. and god help me i know i am being selfish and hardheaded! i know i am because there are so many people out there that have only had a little of that before leaving this earth and yet we doint'hear them bitching tthrough the clouds so there must be *something* that really is meant to be. where does that leave me and why doesn't knowing these things make me sleep a little better and make me want to go through treatment without so much hesitatiion?
never in my life would i imagine that i would be at this place that life has taken me, yet here i am. and when i look to what my life might be i can't see that , so yeah maybe it really was meant to be... well, i can see myself perhaps married, a child, working, but it sseems more like a vision of someone elses life rather than my very own. with either situation i would still have so self doubt somewhere probably. i do realize that i go into each day witha better eyesight than most simply because i'm closer than what most are to what is the other side of this life, but it also makes you shy back from the life side too just in case, because then, you know, if you do end up falling to the other side it won't be so hard and so many people won't be hurt.
i sometimes wonder if that makes me bias, makes it so that the sky is a shade greyer than what it should be or instead of the two wonderful things that happen you only see the one. i know that i can't close my eyes this afternoon and know that the tomorrow i know will actually come. i can just hope ya know. yet, going through all these what if's and might be's and what ares i realize that the person that made this, this world, might not have been perfect and may have not known all the answers themselves. i'm not sure if that is good or not, but it'd be sort of scary to think that life is completely made of happen chance. i just wish that i could close my eyes for a moment and pretend normalcy really is a word and that it actually is possible to acheive.