Homecoming - Book Two: Twenty-one Guns - Would You Lie With Me & Just Forget the World?
Title: Homecoming - Book 2 - Twenty-one Guns
Author: escapes
Artist: solostrightnow
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own them, just the order the words are strung together in.
Characters/Pairings: luke/noah
Word Count: book 2: 26k plus Total: 60k
Warnings:You are going to have to trust me. Be warned that there is angst. Lots of it. i can't give you more without completely ruinding the story.
Spoilers: None
Summary:Sometimes the hardest battle in the war is finding your way back home.
Author’s Notes: Thanks for all your patience as I finished. In the course of writing this, I started a new job in a city an hour and a half away from where I live and I've been doing the worlds slowest move on record on my days off. And there was a trip and other stuff in there, so just...thanks for not yelling at me to get it done. Well, much anyway. =)
Special thanks to noelleleithefor the betas. I appreciate so much you managed it in the midst of everything else you have going on.
Link to Story Master Post: Book One
Link to Art Master Post: Click here for the awesome
The visit to the Jenkins house is exhausting, mentally and physically, for both Luke and Noah. They separate once they're past the front door. Luke heads to the kitchen to place the casserole in the fridge, and Noah heads to the living room to meet with Tony's mother, grandparents, and Reg.
He sees Reg's eyes widen when he walks into the room nd Noah nods at him in acknowledgement as he heads towards Tony's mother. Noah had never met her, but she recognizes Noah from some of Tony and Reg's pictures and it makes it easier for Noah to sit beside her and hand Tony's things to her one by one.
"I want you to know that everywhere on the journey here, Tony was treated with care and respect by everyone he came in contact with. Today, all across the country, there are people thinking about him."
The medals she places around her own neck, the dog tags she splits between Tony's grandfather and Reg, the stack of letters she thumbs through and gives back to the people that had written them, the lion's share of the pile going to Reg. Noah hopes that Tony realized how lucky he was that Reg wrote that often. The watch is given to Reg and Noah watches him flip it over and sees an inscription on the back, but averts his eyes from reading it, knowing from the way that Reg's thumb traces it that it was personal to the two of them.
Noah thinks of his own watch and the words he'd had engraved there to remind him to stay the course when things got rough. He understands why it's this and not the letters that causes Reg to choke up and have to leave the room.
The last thing Noah hands Tony's mother is the laminated picture with family on one side and him, Luke, Reg and Tony on the other at a freshman mixer for the LGBT Committee. His mother traces Tony's smiling face with her thumb and then hands it back to Noah along with an envelope she'd had sitting beside her. "Could you make sure that the picture and this envelope go inside the…"
She trails off and Noah accepts them both in his hands. "I'll make sure they get in there, ma'am."
She smiles sadly and pats his hands. "Noah, please call me Cathy. I don't want to look at you as a soldier, I just want to see Tony's friend and Luke's boyfriend."
Noah nods and stands up. "I'll try, Cathy. I'm so sorry we had to meet like this."
She stands as well and turns to her parents. "I'm going to go upstairs and lie down. Try to get some rest. Can you make sure that Reg gets some rest tonight? Tie him to a bed if you have to."
Cathy leaves, with her mother going up the stairs behind her, leaving Noah alone in the living room with Merle Jenkins. The older man gets to his feet and walks to Noah, looking like he's aged ten years in the time Noah since had seen him last. He reaches out a hand, and Noah grabs it in a handshake.
"Noah, you have no idea how good it is to see you, son. I had hoped you might be the one to bring Tony home. It was quite the ruckus around here when that terrible mistake happened. It will be good for people to see you and realize that soldiers still do come home under their own power.”
Noah swallows back the emotion Merle’s words bring up. He looks around the living room, filled with pictures of Tony at every age. "I wish more than anything that Tony was one of them."
"Me too, son, me too." Merle claps Noah on the back. "Be sure to stop in at the V.F.W. when you come back into town for good. We'd love to have you."
Noah raises his eyebrows. "Even with…" He gestures towards the windows where he can see Luke sitting on the railing of the porch with Reg. "everything?"
Merle nods. "You've served your country honorably and at great personal sacrifice, just like Tony. Luke is one of our own and a good kid. If anyone has a problem with that, they're welcome to go to the V.F.W. in Bay City."
Noah smiles, touched at the show of support. "I can't say as I'll go there to drink, with Luke's issues I think it's best if I stay away from it too, but I'm willing to challenge you to a game of pool when the mood strikes."
"Just don't be surprised when you get your ass handed to you, son. I've been playing longer than you've been alive."
It's then that Luke comes in, dragging a reluctant Reg behind him through the entrance way and into the living room. "Sit."
Reg opens his mouth to argue and the look on Luke's face decides him against it as he closes it again with a click and sits in one of the chairs. Luke leaves the room for a minute and comes back with a pile of sheets and blankets in his arms, making a bed of the couch in efficient movements that speak of years of strays that beds were made for at the Snyder farm. He pulls Reg to his feet and then points at the couch. "Lie down and get some sleep. Now."
Reg does what Luke says without a fight. He toes off his shoes and lies down, letting Luke spread a blanket over him.
"Don't even think about getting up until morning, Reg. Merle, you sit on him if you need to."
Luke heads to the kitchen again to turn off the lights as Noah hears Reg complaining to Merle that he doesn't want to be the reason that Merle doesn't get enough sleep.
"I'm old, Reg. People expect me to be grumpy anyway. Get some sleep, kid."
Noah chuckles and lets himself out onto the porch, breathing in the smell of springtime in Oakdale. He lets the feel of home seep inside of him and fuse into his bones.
"Ready to go?"
Noah turns around and gives a small smile. "I am."
They walk to the car in silence, and Noah is learning that just as he's a different person than he was when he left here, Luke is different too. The old Luke filled up every silence around him, but this Luke reminds him a little of Holden, calmer and weighing his words more carefully. He thinks about the way he'd just seen Luke take charge and boss Reg around and smiles to himself. The old Luke was still in there somewhere, ready to be pulled out when he’s needed.
The return trip back out to the farm is quiet, both of them lost in their thoughts of what they needed to do the next day. As the escort, Noah's duty had ended when he'd delivered the personal effects to Tony's mother, but now he'd need to go to the funeral home early to carry out her last wishes before the rest of the mourners start arriving.
Luke walks Noah up the stairs and to his room, and then they just look at each other for a few minutes, before they find themselves leaning in on instinct. They would have kept moving closer together into a kiss, but Luke's hand comes up automatically to wrap around Noah's neck and the clink of metal on metal sounds in the quiet hallway as one of Noah's medals collides with another one. The sound seems to break the spell between them and Luke steps away. "Sorry. Still on duty. Forgot."
Noah doesn't have time to respond before Luke is quickly walking down the hallway and stepping into his usual room at the farm, closing the door behind him.
Noah huffs out a frustrated breath. Turning into his own room, he walks toward the closet, pulling at the tie to loosen it. Inside, he sees that Emma has been in there and the clothes from his suit bag have been hung up and his other service uniform looks freshly pressed. Reminding himself to thank her later, he quickly pulls off the one he's wearing and hangs it up to let it air out. Running his hand over the back of his neck, he feels gritty from two days of traveling and plane air.
Pulling off his undershirt, Noah keeps his boxers on and grabs his shaving kit and a towel Emma had laid out for him, slinging the towel over his shoulder. Stepping out into the hallway, Noah looks both ways to make sure no one is there and walks to the bathroom.
The door moves just as he reaches for it and Noah moves back a step when Luke walks out the doorway and nearly into him, before noticing that Noah is standing there.
"I forgot you don't have a bathroom in your room here." Noah knows his voice sounds a little hoarse, but he's only human, and Luke wearing just a loose pair of sleep pants is enough to make Noah's mouth water.
Luke looks just as surprised as Noah and trails his eyes over Noah's bare chest and torso, down the skin covered by the boxer shorts and smirks a little at Noah's knobby knees before working his eyes down to the bare feet. "That's okay." Luke reaches for the towel on Noah's shoulder and looks up into Noah's eyes. "Can I look? They're probably a lot more healed than the last time I saw them."
Noah nods. He is so used to covering the scars up now that he'd thrown the towel over them without even thinking about it. He forces himself to stand still as Luke gently pulls the towel away and his eyes roam over Noah's side and shoulder. Lifting his hand, Luke pauses with it extended towards Noah in the space between them. "Can I?"
Nodding, Noah tenses, but forces himself not to flinch as Luke's fingers trace over the raised pink edges of scar tissue, the touch gentle and curious. As Luke's fingers continue their exploration, Noah finds that he has to grab the towel back from Luke's hand and try to shift it in front of the reaction his body is having to being touched so intimately.
Luke notices, how could he not, but doesn't react to Noah's movements. Instead, he lays his hand on the largest scar and just holds it there, closing his eyes.
Noah looks at Luke curiously. "What are you doing?"
Keeping his eyes closed and hand pressed, Luke takes a slow breath before opening his eyes again and looking into Noah's. "Being grateful."
"That I'm scarred?"
Shaking his head, Luke raises the hand that was pressed against Noah's side to cup the side of Noah's face. "That they are there and that you are here." Luke pauses, trying to find the words to explain it. "The last time I saw these, they were open wounds, still bleeding under the bandages covering them. They looked like I felt on the inside after everything that had happened. Now, they're healing. Just like you are. Just like I hope I am."
Noah places his shaving kit down on the hall table near him and pulls Luke to him, not caring that they're both half naked in the middle of the hallway. He needs to be close to Luke now, to touch him, to reassure both of them that this is real and they're both here and working their way back to whole again. To them again, Noah hopes.
Luke wraps his arms around Noah, and Noah can feel the weight of the day pressing down on both of them. Making a decision, he reaches out and grabs his kit again and keeps his other arm around Luke, slowly walking them backwards.
Luke shifts, but doesn't raise his head from where it's buried in Noah's neck. "What are you doing?"
"Bringing you to my room. I can shower tomorrow morning. Right now I just want to lie down with you."
Luke hums a sound that is half agreement and half protest. "Grandma's rules."
Noah just holds him tighter and brings them over the threshold of the room, closing the door behind them. "No one is getting any more naked than they are right now. We need to talk about an offer Major McLane made me."
Luke pulls away from Noah and immediately Noah wants to pull him back in closer. "What do you mean? What offer?"
Noah steps back and holds up a hand for Luke to wait, turning to the sleep pants he'd laid out earlier. Noah slips them on over his boxers.
When Noah reaches for the shirt that’s also there, Luke's voice stops him. "You don't need to cover it up for me, Noah."
Noah's hand hesitates, still outstretched, and he thinks about the warmth of Luke's hand on his side and arm and lets his hand drop back to his side. When he turns back towards Luke, he sees the other man sitting cross-legged on the bed, his back against the headboard and the covers turned down.
Climbing on the other side of the bed, Noah sits beside Luke, their shoulders rubbing. "He offered me an Honorable Discharge. He said he could justify it based on my injuries."
Noah sees hope and unbridled happiness bloom on Luke's face for a second and then watches Luke tamp it down and the gears start turning in Luke's head as he tries to think of it from Noah's angle. "Are they going to give you your money for school even if you decide to take their offer? Can they take it back and put you back into service? Is the honorable discharge the final word and they can't revoke it or change the terms of it?"
Noah holds up his hand again, this time to stop the onslaught of questions. "Luke, I'm not sure. To be honest, when he made the offer, it was just after he told me what had happened in July and I was so thrown by that, I barely heard much of the deal besides honorable discharge and going home."
Luke sits up straight and reaches into the bedside table, knowing his grandmother always stocked them with a pen and paper, a holdover from her writing days where she didn't want to miss out on an idea by not having something nearby to write it down. Writing quickly, Luke lays out the questions that had come to him and as he and Noah talk about the questions, new ones start coming up, until they have a page of them written out and underneath each of them, a line giving the best scenario outcome.
Luke folds the piece of paper and hands it to Noah. "You have a good amount of questions there, so it'll at least let you know what the boundaries of the deal are. Say everything comes back with the answers you want to hear. What are you feeling about it? Are you going to take it?"
Noah knows it's a loaded question. If he says no, Luke may take it as a rejection of him and thinking it minimizes what he and the rest of the family had gone through. If he says yes and something happens when he asks McLane all of the questions they have and the golden deal ends up looking like it's made of lead, the disappointment could end up doing damage to Luke.
Biting his lip, Noah grabs Luke's hand and runs his thumb over the back of it. "It's hard to say. I don’t know what it might mean in the long term. If I’m discharged for medical reasons, when I go to get insurance on a movie project is that all of a sudden going to come up as a reason I can't get it?” Noah doesn’t speak it, but he knows that being raised all his life to finish what he started is also pulling him back from accepting the out he’s been given in the last place he expected one to be available.He has to wonder if accepting that out would mess him up somehow later.
Noah can see Luke's internal struggle in his eyes. The side of him that wants to grab Noah and yell at him to take the deal and damn the consequences, the old Luke-and the other side, the one that is hearing what Noah is saying and knowing it's not as clear cut as it seems.
Luke sits up and puts his other hand on top of Noah's. "You know what my vote is for. No matter how rationally I'm thinking about this, a big part of me really wants to tell you to take the deal and damn the consequences, because at least we'd be able to face them together. But ultimately the decision has to come down to you, Noah."
He pauses and seems to be struggling to find the right words. "I'm glad you're asking how I feel. That's what hurt the most when you enlisted. You just did it and blindsided me with the decision and then were gone the next morning. That's why I followed you to Chicago, begged you to reconsider, because you hadn't let me in to anything that was going on in your head and it felt like you were just expecting me to be okay with you just walking out and I'd go into some sort of stasis with my life and feelings on pause until you came back."
Noah wonders if the remorse he feels over that will ever stop bubbling to the surface between them. He knew Luke's arguments at the time were valid, that there were better ways to help others and that he was trying to appease the ghost of his father. But Noah also knew that the reasons he'd given about having order and a sense of purpose were not just excuses to justify his decision, but things he felt a need for in his life. He knew as much as Oakdale had become home that order and purpose were things that changed on a dime in this city. But he should’ve taken the time to include Luke in that decision.
Turning so he's facing Luke more fully, Noah puts a hand on the back of Luke's neck to make sure he has Luke's complete attention. "I'm sorry. I know I just dropped that on you and expected you to be okay with it and that's something I regret. You always seemed to be on to me and knowing what I think before I did, but there was no way you could have realized just how much I'd been thinking about enlisting. I never thought you'd just wait for me. I never felt like I had the right to ask you to."
Luke huffs out a breath in frustration. "Noah, you have to start realizing your worth to people. You are more than what your father conditioned you to believe about yourself. You don't have to deserve to be with someone, you just have to be with them. You have to let them in and let them know what you're thinking about the big stuff. You have to let them in on the big decisions that affect more than you. That's one of the reasons that some form of relationships can be found in almost any species. We're not hard-wired to carry the burden alone."
Noah knows he still struggles with the concept of being good enough, just as he is, for Luke to love him. Even coming to Oakdale he had planned to come in, complete his escort duties and treat the trip like a trial run to see if he can come back here and make a life, never mentioning the offer he'd been made. Noah is thankful for Luke reacting the way he did to Noah coming back. It had brought him out of himself and into the real lives of the people he chooses as his family dealing with everything that had happened. He realizes that two people may have had their meddling hands in that. "I wish Sam and Jeff were still around. You guys would have so gotten along after sharing your 'Noah, there is no I in team' stories."
Luke hums and then yawns, the long day catching up with him. "I wish I could have met them."
Noah smiles sadly and nods. "I wish you could have too." He yawns after seeing Luke do it and grimaces as it sets Luke off again. "Now you've done it."
Shrugging sheepishly, Luke stretches, the play of muscles under his skin driving Noah to distraction. "It's been a long day."
Noah sees Luke sliding towards the side of the bed, intending to get up off of it and Noah reaches out to grab Luke's wrist. "Stay. Please."
Luke stills and Noah tugs to pull him back on the bed. "Please."
Luke closes his eyes and sighs. "On one condition."
"Name it."
The corner of Luke's mouth quirks up at how quickly Noah's response comes. "You wake me up if I start…doing stuff in my sleep."
Noah can feel his eyebrow raising at Luke's phrasing. "Do stuff? Like nightmare stuff?"
Luke doesn't say anything, only looks away from Noah's gaze and nods.
"On one condition," Noah counters back.
Luke moves his eyes back to Noah's and raises an eyebrow.
"You do the same for me."
Luke's eyes widen and he flips his hand over in Noah's grip on his wrist. Noah takes the cue and lets go of Luke's wrist, sliding his hand down to tangle their fingers together. Luke moves back onto the bed and Noah uses his free hand to pull the covers out from under Luke's legs and then up over both of them.
They both lie on their sides, neither willing to break the connection of their hands between them. Noah reaches up to click off the bedside lamp that was illuminating the room and with that gone, only the light of the moon is shining in through the window and washing across the wood floor, giving off enough light for Luke and Noah to be able to see each other but leaving enough darkness for them to discuss their demons.
"How often?"
Luke shifts his eyes to meet Noah's from where he was contemplating the wall behind Noah. "I'd have them occasionally after you'd left. Then, with what happened…after that I was usually up three or four times a night every day of the week. Now, I'm down to once."
"A week?"
Luke shakes his head. "A night." Reaching his free hand in the space between them, Luke rubs his thumb over the wrinkle in between Noah's eyes as he frowns at that news. "How about you?"
Noah leans into the gesture, an echo of Luke telling him that he only has the line when he's in pain or frustrated murmuring around his brain, trying to find which memory it belongs to. With everything that has happened, he's learned not to force the issue, that only brings headaches and a deeper wrinkle from the frustration. "Usually one that won't wake me up completely and one that wakes me up for the night."
Instead of giving each other empty platitudes about it getting better, both Noah and Luke contemplate each other seriously in the moonlight. Luke lets out a long breath. "Good night?"
Noah smiles at Luke phrasing it as a question and squeezes Luke's fingers in his own. "Here's hoping."
They both lie there, looking at each other in the silence, until Luke breaks it with a snort and only Noah's training at not reacting physically to sudden noises stops him from jumping. "What?"
"Of all the ways I imagined of sharing a bed with you for the first time, I gotta say this wasn't one of them."
Noah chuckles lowly. "You and me both."
"I'm probably one of those annoying octopus arms cuddlers, so if you wake up being smothered, just shove me off."
Noah can't imagine wanting to do that, even if he is being smothered. He doesn't say it out loud, just makes an agreeing hum. "You never know, I could be the cuddler in this whole thing."
Luke chuckles and it trails off on a yawn. "I'll believe it when I'm wrapped up in it."
Noah knows that he meant to respond to Luke, remembers opening his mouth to say something, but after that, there's nothing but the blankness of sleep.
Something Inside This Heart Has Died
Author: escapes
Artist: solostrightnow
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own them, just the order the words are strung together in.
Characters/Pairings: luke/noah
Word Count: book 2: 26k plus Total: 60k
Warnings:You are going to have to trust me. Be warned that there is angst. Lots of it. i can't give you more without completely ruinding the story.
Spoilers: None
Summary:Sometimes the hardest battle in the war is finding your way back home.
Author’s Notes: Thanks for all your patience as I finished. In the course of writing this, I started a new job in a city an hour and a half away from where I live and I've been doing the worlds slowest move on record on my days off. And there was a trip and other stuff in there, so just...thanks for not yelling at me to get it done. Well, much anyway. =)
Special thanks to noelleleithefor the betas. I appreciate so much you managed it in the midst of everything else you have going on.
Link to Story Master Post: Book One
Link to Art Master Post: Click here for the awesome
The visit to the Jenkins house is exhausting, mentally and physically, for both Luke and Noah. They separate once they're past the front door. Luke heads to the kitchen to place the casserole in the fridge, and Noah heads to the living room to meet with Tony's mother, grandparents, and Reg.
He sees Reg's eyes widen when he walks into the room nd Noah nods at him in acknowledgement as he heads towards Tony's mother. Noah had never met her, but she recognizes Noah from some of Tony and Reg's pictures and it makes it easier for Noah to sit beside her and hand Tony's things to her one by one.
"I want you to know that everywhere on the journey here, Tony was treated with care and respect by everyone he came in contact with. Today, all across the country, there are people thinking about him."
The medals she places around her own neck, the dog tags she splits between Tony's grandfather and Reg, the stack of letters she thumbs through and gives back to the people that had written them, the lion's share of the pile going to Reg. Noah hopes that Tony realized how lucky he was that Reg wrote that often. The watch is given to Reg and Noah watches him flip it over and sees an inscription on the back, but averts his eyes from reading it, knowing from the way that Reg's thumb traces it that it was personal to the two of them.
Noah thinks of his own watch and the words he'd had engraved there to remind him to stay the course when things got rough. He understands why it's this and not the letters that causes Reg to choke up and have to leave the room.
The last thing Noah hands Tony's mother is the laminated picture with family on one side and him, Luke, Reg and Tony on the other at a freshman mixer for the LGBT Committee. His mother traces Tony's smiling face with her thumb and then hands it back to Noah along with an envelope she'd had sitting beside her. "Could you make sure that the picture and this envelope go inside the…"
She trails off and Noah accepts them both in his hands. "I'll make sure they get in there, ma'am."
She smiles sadly and pats his hands. "Noah, please call me Cathy. I don't want to look at you as a soldier, I just want to see Tony's friend and Luke's boyfriend."
Noah nods and stands up. "I'll try, Cathy. I'm so sorry we had to meet like this."
She stands as well and turns to her parents. "I'm going to go upstairs and lie down. Try to get some rest. Can you make sure that Reg gets some rest tonight? Tie him to a bed if you have to."
Cathy leaves, with her mother going up the stairs behind her, leaving Noah alone in the living room with Merle Jenkins. The older man gets to his feet and walks to Noah, looking like he's aged ten years in the time Noah since had seen him last. He reaches out a hand, and Noah grabs it in a handshake.
"Noah, you have no idea how good it is to see you, son. I had hoped you might be the one to bring Tony home. It was quite the ruckus around here when that terrible mistake happened. It will be good for people to see you and realize that soldiers still do come home under their own power.”
Noah swallows back the emotion Merle’s words bring up. He looks around the living room, filled with pictures of Tony at every age. "I wish more than anything that Tony was one of them."
"Me too, son, me too." Merle claps Noah on the back. "Be sure to stop in at the V.F.W. when you come back into town for good. We'd love to have you."
Noah raises his eyebrows. "Even with…" He gestures towards the windows where he can see Luke sitting on the railing of the porch with Reg. "everything?"
Merle nods. "You've served your country honorably and at great personal sacrifice, just like Tony. Luke is one of our own and a good kid. If anyone has a problem with that, they're welcome to go to the V.F.W. in Bay City."
Noah smiles, touched at the show of support. "I can't say as I'll go there to drink, with Luke's issues I think it's best if I stay away from it too, but I'm willing to challenge you to a game of pool when the mood strikes."
"Just don't be surprised when you get your ass handed to you, son. I've been playing longer than you've been alive."
It's then that Luke comes in, dragging a reluctant Reg behind him through the entrance way and into the living room. "Sit."
Reg opens his mouth to argue and the look on Luke's face decides him against it as he closes it again with a click and sits in one of the chairs. Luke leaves the room for a minute and comes back with a pile of sheets and blankets in his arms, making a bed of the couch in efficient movements that speak of years of strays that beds were made for at the Snyder farm. He pulls Reg to his feet and then points at the couch. "Lie down and get some sleep. Now."
Reg does what Luke says without a fight. He toes off his shoes and lies down, letting Luke spread a blanket over him.
"Don't even think about getting up until morning, Reg. Merle, you sit on him if you need to."
Luke heads to the kitchen again to turn off the lights as Noah hears Reg complaining to Merle that he doesn't want to be the reason that Merle doesn't get enough sleep.
"I'm old, Reg. People expect me to be grumpy anyway. Get some sleep, kid."
Noah chuckles and lets himself out onto the porch, breathing in the smell of springtime in Oakdale. He lets the feel of home seep inside of him and fuse into his bones.
"Ready to go?"
Noah turns around and gives a small smile. "I am."
They walk to the car in silence, and Noah is learning that just as he's a different person than he was when he left here, Luke is different too. The old Luke filled up every silence around him, but this Luke reminds him a little of Holden, calmer and weighing his words more carefully. He thinks about the way he'd just seen Luke take charge and boss Reg around and smiles to himself. The old Luke was still in there somewhere, ready to be pulled out when he’s needed.
The return trip back out to the farm is quiet, both of them lost in their thoughts of what they needed to do the next day. As the escort, Noah's duty had ended when he'd delivered the personal effects to Tony's mother, but now he'd need to go to the funeral home early to carry out her last wishes before the rest of the mourners start arriving.
Luke walks Noah up the stairs and to his room, and then they just look at each other for a few minutes, before they find themselves leaning in on instinct. They would have kept moving closer together into a kiss, but Luke's hand comes up automatically to wrap around Noah's neck and the clink of metal on metal sounds in the quiet hallway as one of Noah's medals collides with another one. The sound seems to break the spell between them and Luke steps away. "Sorry. Still on duty. Forgot."
Noah doesn't have time to respond before Luke is quickly walking down the hallway and stepping into his usual room at the farm, closing the door behind him.
Noah huffs out a frustrated breath. Turning into his own room, he walks toward the closet, pulling at the tie to loosen it. Inside, he sees that Emma has been in there and the clothes from his suit bag have been hung up and his other service uniform looks freshly pressed. Reminding himself to thank her later, he quickly pulls off the one he's wearing and hangs it up to let it air out. Running his hand over the back of his neck, he feels gritty from two days of traveling and plane air.
Pulling off his undershirt, Noah keeps his boxers on and grabs his shaving kit and a towel Emma had laid out for him, slinging the towel over his shoulder. Stepping out into the hallway, Noah looks both ways to make sure no one is there and walks to the bathroom.
The door moves just as he reaches for it and Noah moves back a step when Luke walks out the doorway and nearly into him, before noticing that Noah is standing there.
"I forgot you don't have a bathroom in your room here." Noah knows his voice sounds a little hoarse, but he's only human, and Luke wearing just a loose pair of sleep pants is enough to make Noah's mouth water.
Luke looks just as surprised as Noah and trails his eyes over Noah's bare chest and torso, down the skin covered by the boxer shorts and smirks a little at Noah's knobby knees before working his eyes down to the bare feet. "That's okay." Luke reaches for the towel on Noah's shoulder and looks up into Noah's eyes. "Can I look? They're probably a lot more healed than the last time I saw them."
Noah nods. He is so used to covering the scars up now that he'd thrown the towel over them without even thinking about it. He forces himself to stand still as Luke gently pulls the towel away and his eyes roam over Noah's side and shoulder. Lifting his hand, Luke pauses with it extended towards Noah in the space between them. "Can I?"
Nodding, Noah tenses, but forces himself not to flinch as Luke's fingers trace over the raised pink edges of scar tissue, the touch gentle and curious. As Luke's fingers continue their exploration, Noah finds that he has to grab the towel back from Luke's hand and try to shift it in front of the reaction his body is having to being touched so intimately.
Luke notices, how could he not, but doesn't react to Noah's movements. Instead, he lays his hand on the largest scar and just holds it there, closing his eyes.
Noah looks at Luke curiously. "What are you doing?"
Keeping his eyes closed and hand pressed, Luke takes a slow breath before opening his eyes again and looking into Noah's. "Being grateful."
"That I'm scarred?"
Shaking his head, Luke raises the hand that was pressed against Noah's side to cup the side of Noah's face. "That they are there and that you are here." Luke pauses, trying to find the words to explain it. "The last time I saw these, they were open wounds, still bleeding under the bandages covering them. They looked like I felt on the inside after everything that had happened. Now, they're healing. Just like you are. Just like I hope I am."
Noah places his shaving kit down on the hall table near him and pulls Luke to him, not caring that they're both half naked in the middle of the hallway. He needs to be close to Luke now, to touch him, to reassure both of them that this is real and they're both here and working their way back to whole again. To them again, Noah hopes.
Luke wraps his arms around Noah, and Noah can feel the weight of the day pressing down on both of them. Making a decision, he reaches out and grabs his kit again and keeps his other arm around Luke, slowly walking them backwards.
Luke shifts, but doesn't raise his head from where it's buried in Noah's neck. "What are you doing?"
"Bringing you to my room. I can shower tomorrow morning. Right now I just want to lie down with you."
Luke hums a sound that is half agreement and half protest. "Grandma's rules."
Noah just holds him tighter and brings them over the threshold of the room, closing the door behind them. "No one is getting any more naked than they are right now. We need to talk about an offer Major McLane made me."
Luke pulls away from Noah and immediately Noah wants to pull him back in closer. "What do you mean? What offer?"
Noah steps back and holds up a hand for Luke to wait, turning to the sleep pants he'd laid out earlier. Noah slips them on over his boxers.
When Noah reaches for the shirt that’s also there, Luke's voice stops him. "You don't need to cover it up for me, Noah."
Noah's hand hesitates, still outstretched, and he thinks about the warmth of Luke's hand on his side and arm and lets his hand drop back to his side. When he turns back towards Luke, he sees the other man sitting cross-legged on the bed, his back against the headboard and the covers turned down.
Climbing on the other side of the bed, Noah sits beside Luke, their shoulders rubbing. "He offered me an Honorable Discharge. He said he could justify it based on my injuries."
Noah sees hope and unbridled happiness bloom on Luke's face for a second and then watches Luke tamp it down and the gears start turning in Luke's head as he tries to think of it from Noah's angle. "Are they going to give you your money for school even if you decide to take their offer? Can they take it back and put you back into service? Is the honorable discharge the final word and they can't revoke it or change the terms of it?"
Noah holds up his hand again, this time to stop the onslaught of questions. "Luke, I'm not sure. To be honest, when he made the offer, it was just after he told me what had happened in July and I was so thrown by that, I barely heard much of the deal besides honorable discharge and going home."
Luke sits up straight and reaches into the bedside table, knowing his grandmother always stocked them with a pen and paper, a holdover from her writing days where she didn't want to miss out on an idea by not having something nearby to write it down. Writing quickly, Luke lays out the questions that had come to him and as he and Noah talk about the questions, new ones start coming up, until they have a page of them written out and underneath each of them, a line giving the best scenario outcome.
Luke folds the piece of paper and hands it to Noah. "You have a good amount of questions there, so it'll at least let you know what the boundaries of the deal are. Say everything comes back with the answers you want to hear. What are you feeling about it? Are you going to take it?"
Noah knows it's a loaded question. If he says no, Luke may take it as a rejection of him and thinking it minimizes what he and the rest of the family had gone through. If he says yes and something happens when he asks McLane all of the questions they have and the golden deal ends up looking like it's made of lead, the disappointment could end up doing damage to Luke.
Biting his lip, Noah grabs Luke's hand and runs his thumb over the back of it. "It's hard to say. I don’t know what it might mean in the long term. If I’m discharged for medical reasons, when I go to get insurance on a movie project is that all of a sudden going to come up as a reason I can't get it?” Noah doesn’t speak it, but he knows that being raised all his life to finish what he started is also pulling him back from accepting the out he’s been given in the last place he expected one to be available.He has to wonder if accepting that out would mess him up somehow later.
Noah can see Luke's internal struggle in his eyes. The side of him that wants to grab Noah and yell at him to take the deal and damn the consequences, the old Luke-and the other side, the one that is hearing what Noah is saying and knowing it's not as clear cut as it seems.
Luke sits up and puts his other hand on top of Noah's. "You know what my vote is for. No matter how rationally I'm thinking about this, a big part of me really wants to tell you to take the deal and damn the consequences, because at least we'd be able to face them together. But ultimately the decision has to come down to you, Noah."
He pauses and seems to be struggling to find the right words. "I'm glad you're asking how I feel. That's what hurt the most when you enlisted. You just did it and blindsided me with the decision and then were gone the next morning. That's why I followed you to Chicago, begged you to reconsider, because you hadn't let me in to anything that was going on in your head and it felt like you were just expecting me to be okay with you just walking out and I'd go into some sort of stasis with my life and feelings on pause until you came back."
Noah wonders if the remorse he feels over that will ever stop bubbling to the surface between them. He knew Luke's arguments at the time were valid, that there were better ways to help others and that he was trying to appease the ghost of his father. But Noah also knew that the reasons he'd given about having order and a sense of purpose were not just excuses to justify his decision, but things he felt a need for in his life. He knew as much as Oakdale had become home that order and purpose were things that changed on a dime in this city. But he should’ve taken the time to include Luke in that decision.
Turning so he's facing Luke more fully, Noah puts a hand on the back of Luke's neck to make sure he has Luke's complete attention. "I'm sorry. I know I just dropped that on you and expected you to be okay with it and that's something I regret. You always seemed to be on to me and knowing what I think before I did, but there was no way you could have realized just how much I'd been thinking about enlisting. I never thought you'd just wait for me. I never felt like I had the right to ask you to."
Luke huffs out a breath in frustration. "Noah, you have to start realizing your worth to people. You are more than what your father conditioned you to believe about yourself. You don't have to deserve to be with someone, you just have to be with them. You have to let them in and let them know what you're thinking about the big stuff. You have to let them in on the big decisions that affect more than you. That's one of the reasons that some form of relationships can be found in almost any species. We're not hard-wired to carry the burden alone."
Noah knows he still struggles with the concept of being good enough, just as he is, for Luke to love him. Even coming to Oakdale he had planned to come in, complete his escort duties and treat the trip like a trial run to see if he can come back here and make a life, never mentioning the offer he'd been made. Noah is thankful for Luke reacting the way he did to Noah coming back. It had brought him out of himself and into the real lives of the people he chooses as his family dealing with everything that had happened. He realizes that two people may have had their meddling hands in that. "I wish Sam and Jeff were still around. You guys would have so gotten along after sharing your 'Noah, there is no I in team' stories."
Luke hums and then yawns, the long day catching up with him. "I wish I could have met them."
Noah smiles sadly and nods. "I wish you could have too." He yawns after seeing Luke do it and grimaces as it sets Luke off again. "Now you've done it."
Shrugging sheepishly, Luke stretches, the play of muscles under his skin driving Noah to distraction. "It's been a long day."
Noah sees Luke sliding towards the side of the bed, intending to get up off of it and Noah reaches out to grab Luke's wrist. "Stay. Please."
Luke stills and Noah tugs to pull him back on the bed. "Please."
Luke closes his eyes and sighs. "On one condition."
"Name it."
The corner of Luke's mouth quirks up at how quickly Noah's response comes. "You wake me up if I start…doing stuff in my sleep."
Noah can feel his eyebrow raising at Luke's phrasing. "Do stuff? Like nightmare stuff?"
Luke doesn't say anything, only looks away from Noah's gaze and nods.
"On one condition," Noah counters back.
Luke moves his eyes back to Noah's and raises an eyebrow.
"You do the same for me."
Luke's eyes widen and he flips his hand over in Noah's grip on his wrist. Noah takes the cue and lets go of Luke's wrist, sliding his hand down to tangle their fingers together. Luke moves back onto the bed and Noah uses his free hand to pull the covers out from under Luke's legs and then up over both of them.
They both lie on their sides, neither willing to break the connection of their hands between them. Noah reaches up to click off the bedside lamp that was illuminating the room and with that gone, only the light of the moon is shining in through the window and washing across the wood floor, giving off enough light for Luke and Noah to be able to see each other but leaving enough darkness for them to discuss their demons.
"How often?"
Luke shifts his eyes to meet Noah's from where he was contemplating the wall behind Noah. "I'd have them occasionally after you'd left. Then, with what happened…after that I was usually up three or four times a night every day of the week. Now, I'm down to once."
"A week?"
Luke shakes his head. "A night." Reaching his free hand in the space between them, Luke rubs his thumb over the wrinkle in between Noah's eyes as he frowns at that news. "How about you?"
Noah leans into the gesture, an echo of Luke telling him that he only has the line when he's in pain or frustrated murmuring around his brain, trying to find which memory it belongs to. With everything that has happened, he's learned not to force the issue, that only brings headaches and a deeper wrinkle from the frustration. "Usually one that won't wake me up completely and one that wakes me up for the night."
Instead of giving each other empty platitudes about it getting better, both Noah and Luke contemplate each other seriously in the moonlight. Luke lets out a long breath. "Good night?"
Noah smiles at Luke phrasing it as a question and squeezes Luke's fingers in his own. "Here's hoping."
They both lie there, looking at each other in the silence, until Luke breaks it with a snort and only Noah's training at not reacting physically to sudden noises stops him from jumping. "What?"
"Of all the ways I imagined of sharing a bed with you for the first time, I gotta say this wasn't one of them."
Noah chuckles lowly. "You and me both."
"I'm probably one of those annoying octopus arms cuddlers, so if you wake up being smothered, just shove me off."
Noah can't imagine wanting to do that, even if he is being smothered. He doesn't say it out loud, just makes an agreeing hum. "You never know, I could be the cuddler in this whole thing."
Luke chuckles and it trails off on a yawn. "I'll believe it when I'm wrapped up in it."
Noah knows that he meant to respond to Luke, remembers opening his mouth to say something, but after that, there's nothing but the blankness of sleep.
Something Inside This Heart Has Died