Homecoming - Book 2: Twenty-one Guns - Learn That All We Own Is Our Soul
Title: Homecoming - Book 2 - Twenty-one Guns
Author: escapes
Artist: solostrightnow
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own them, just the order the words are strung together in.
Characters/Pairings: luke/noah
Word Count: book 2: 26k plus Total: 60k
Warnings:You are going to have to trust me. Be warned that there is angst. Lots of it. i can't give you more without completely ruinding the story.
Spoilers: None
Summary:Sometimes the hardest battle in the war is finding your way back home.
Author’s Notes: Thanks for all your patience as I finished. In the course of writing this, I started a new job in a city an hour and a half away from where I live and I've been doing the worlds slowest move on record on my days off. And there was a trip and other stuff in there, so just...thanks for not yelling at me to get it done. Well, much anyway. =)
Special thanks to noelleleithefor the betas. I appreciate so much you managed it in the midst of everything else you have going on.
Link to Story Master Post: Book One
Link to Art Master Post: Click here for the awesome
Ten Months Later
The sound of his feet hitting the pavement, regular as a metronome, resonates through his body and just adds another throb to the beat coming through the headphones in Noah’s ears. There is a light drizzle coming down, just enough to soak into the grey cotton of his Army P.T. shirt and mix with the sweat that's already causing it to stick along his chest and back.
Rounding the last corner of his route, Noah looks down at his watch and checks the time. He's still on schedule. Slowing his pace, he works on stretching out his legs as he cools down and pulls the backpack of his shoulders, fishing out the water bottle and taking a long pull from it as he grabs the key to his building and lets himself into the lobby area.
"You know, now that the weather has turned, I kinda miss seeing Snoah coming in here and leaving little piles of slush on the mat."
Noah smiles as he finishes taking another drink from his bottle and lowers it. "Yeah, like you calling me Snoah all winter didn't get old. At all." He walks over to April Lennox and sits beside her on the lobby bench. "What are you doing here so early?"
Patting the noticeable bump on her midsection, she shrugs. "Appointment with the doctor. Figured I'd swing by and take a load off while I wait for you to come back from your run and give you a ride to the Island."
Noah huffs at the word Island. It's what April calls the cluster of buildings here in Leonard Wood that were sectioned off for those on office assignments. It was short for Island of Misfit Toys. Like the Island she'd named it after, it was just about the furthest away from the accommodations sector as it could be without actually being off the base. The fact that he still had to get rides anywhere annoyed Noah to no end. "Thanks, April. I'm pretty much going to be babysitting the rugrat for free for the rest of my life after all these rides, aren't I?"
She laughs softly. "You've caught on to my master plan. I figure after my parental leave, I'll get myself sent on a few tours and leave the little guy with you and then when I come back, he'll be potty trained and have Mayer manners instilled into him. It's the perfect plan!"
Rolling his eyes, Noah stands up from the bench. "Give me ten minutes and I'll be back down. And if you think I'm potty training your spawn, you're out of your mind."
April's voice follows him to the elevator. "Just for that, no more rides for you!"
Noah pushes the button to call the elevator back to the lobby. "I only have two months until I get my license back. And I can get my supplies at the P.X. on my run, just like I did today." Noah tells himself the worst part of everything that happened in Moqor was the seizure he had after waking up in the hospital, which lost him his driver's license for a year automatically, but he knows that isn't true.
The worst part is still being haunted by the feeling that he's missing a piece of his memory. He was told that he'd been awake once before he'd had the seizure and he doesn't know why, but anytime he tries to remember waking up that first time, all he can piece together is a hazy picture of what his mind has labeled Heaven. It's white all around him, he's laying down and Luke is there, but he looks like hell. He remembers feeling guilty, like he was going to be punished for something, and then the ghost of sensation from a kiss on his lips and then his forehead. He's given up on remembering anything more. If there was anything more, the seizure erased it.
Making his way into his apartment after leaving the elevator, Noah heads right for the shower. Once the water is up to temperature, Noah ducks his head under the spray and carefully washes around the raised scar tissue on his side and arm, still pink after all this time, but slowly fading towards the same tone as his skin. As much as it sucked to not have anyone visit him in the hospital, he's glad Luke hadn't had to see him like that. Well, that's not true, he reminds himself. He did have one visitor when he'd been in the hospital.
He'd been waiting for the porter to come and wheel him back to his room after a grueling physical therapy session and had nearly fallen out of the chair when none other than Lucinda Walsh was standing in front of him in all her regal glory. It had turned out she was in D.C. as part of a committee of hospital board members that were touring Walter Reed, getting caught up on the latest procedures that were being used to treat burns, limb and head injuries, something that was in plentiful supply with the soldiers being shipped to the hospital.
Noah smiles as he rinses the soap off of his body, thinking about how Lucinda had taken control of his wheelchair and rolled him back to his room herself and peppered him with questions about his injuries and prognosis. She'd spent almost an hour with him, until Major McLane had come to visit and Lucinda had left just as suddenly as she'd appeared.
He knew that she'd reported back to everyone in Oakdale though. The care package that was nearly bursting with oatmeal raisin cookies and coffee from Java was a dead giveaway. The avalanche of letters started right after, from nearly everyone that he'd ever had contact with in Oakdale.
Except Luke.
Stepping out of the shower, Noah quickly goes through his grooming routine and heads into the bedroom to put on his uniform. Reaching onto the bedside table, his eyes fall on the picture of him, Samuel Hendricks and Jeff Davis taken about a month before…
Two months, he thinks to himself. Two months and I can drive again and fly again and I can go and visit their graves and give my condolences to their families. His eyes move to the picture frame beside it and Luke's hazel eyes gaze back at him.
He wants to be mad at Luke for his silence, but he's noticed in the letters from the Snyders, Casey and Alison, that they all put in little things like Luke saying hi, which is more than he had before. Not enough, but then again nothing but seeing Luke in person will be enough. Noah wants to be hurt that after everything that happened to him, that Luke is still being stubborn, but then he remembers that Luke would have found out that Noah was hurt through Lucinda, and even though she's a great lady, Noah can't imagine she was gentle in delivering the information, probably imagining Luke already knew and had withheld it from the family.
Making his way down in the elevator, he knows that his first furlough when he's cleared to be fully mobile again is not going to be anywhere but Oakdale. Hell, if he can swing it sooner, he will.
Meeting up with April in the lobby, he extends his hand and helps her and her 8 months pregnant belly up from the bench. "You sure you can still get behind the wheel?"
The punch that slams into his bicep makes him wince and he realizes he maybe should have worded that a little more carefully.
"Mayer, are you calling me fat?"
Putting up his hands in gesture of surrender, he shakes his head quickly. "NO!" His voice is unnaturally high and actually squeaks at the end and he clears his throat to cover it, blushing to the tips of his ears. "No. I just meant you drive a Kia and I barely fit into the thing and you've got a baby on the front of you that seems to be getting bigger every day." He winces when he realizes that last part probably should have stayed silent.
April looks up at him with an appraising look, her hand already curled into a fist. She may be a small woman, belly notwithstanding, but her knuckles are bony and sharp. Noah puts his hand on his mouth, only lifting it to say quickly, "I'm just going to stop talking now."
April laughs and digs her keys out of her pocket. "Come on, Mayer. Let's get this day started so it can end. Major McLane still working you like a bitch?"
Rolling his eyes as he squeezes his frame into April's compact car, he nods. "I like being kept busy. Makes the time go faster. I have no idea how that man kept all that information in his head like that. Every time I think I've got him pinned down, he changes things up."
"The job comes with some nice perks though, like the base apartment and not getting shot at."
Noah swallows thickly and nods jerkily. "Well, there is that." His voice is deeper from the squeezing his throat is currently doing.
April lays a hand on the side of Noah's arm as she drives. "Shit hon, I'm sorry. You're so healthy now that sometimes I forget."
Noah closes his eyes and lets out a long breath, pushing the snippets of memories down, hoping they stay down there until they're released in his dreams. "It's okay."
When April pulls over to let Noah out, he sees her biting her bottom lip, her eyes shiny, and he does a double take. "April…you okay?"
She flutters a hand at him. "Fucking hormones."
He chuckles and straightens his frame out as he gets out of the car. "Potty mouth, mama. You're gonna have to watch that."
She snorts. "Let me get through labor fist. I'm planning that as my final opus and then I'll clamp down."
Shaking his head, Noah lifts a hand as she drives away. That kid will be lucky if its first word is not “fucknugget,” April's current expletive of choice.
From the moment he enters the offices of Major McLane to the point where he leaves twelve hours later, Noah is kept so busy that he doesn't have time to sit at his desk for lunch, let alone dwell on Moqor or Oakdale.
April is waiting for him at the end of their shifts and drops some envelopes in his lap after he sits down. "Mail call."
He picks them up and thumbs through them, seeing Emma's neat, looping handwriting and Casey's nearly illegible scrawl in there. He taps them into a neat pile and holds them on his lap as April drives them across the base.
"Anything from Oakburg?"
He rolls his eyes. "Oakdale. And yes."
"Nothing from your friend?"
Noah taps a finger on the top envelope. "Luke? No."
"He needs to stop being a fucknugget. I know he's the love of your life and all, but the boy needs to get over it and talk to you."
April hadn't asked and he hadn't told, maybe her mother's intuition kicked in early, but she's seen through Luke being Noah's friend from the start and had kept the secret to herself. Noah smirks as he turns his head in April's direction to voice the thought he’d had that morning. "I'm laying money on your kid's first word being fucknugget."
"You been talking to my husband again, Mayer? He's got the pool going, I don't think that's been claimed yet."
Noah laughs and makes a note to tell April's husband, Lester, that he's claiming that word the next time Noah sees him. It'll be a delayed payout, but he's pretty sure he's going to win.
Once he's at home, he makes a light dinner, before changing into work-out clothes and walking to the gym on base. Spending an hour with the weights and circuit training, keeping the warnings his Physical Therapist had given him in mind, he goes until he can feel his body reaching the point of exhaustion and heads back home, taking another shower and going to bed, where the letters from Emma and Casey are waiting for him.
Reading Casey's first, he's kept amused by the goings on in Oakdale and Casey's wry take on them. Finishing with the letter, he folds it carefully and slides it back in the envelope, ready to go into the box where he keeps all his letters from Oakdale. He's saved Emma's letter for last, reading her words are like being wrapped in a big hug from her. He reads about the change in weather now that May has come and about new additions to their stable of horses. She keeps him up to date on all the members of the Snyder clan and he smiles when there are crayon letters at the bottom that say Hi Noah. I miss yuo. Lov yuo. Ethan
Noah traces them with his fingertip, knowing that he's probably going to get another drawing to place on his wall of honor in the hallway in a few days. Emma, Holden and Lily have been amazing at keeping Noah in their lives and keeping him a presence in Ethan's life as well.
Noah folds the letter back up and blows on the ripped end of the envelope to open the edges enough for him to slide the letter back in. Seeing another small piece of paper in there, he sets the letter down and fishes inside the envelope for it.
Pulling it out, he unfolds it and his breath catches.
Casey told me. Same here.
It's only five words, but it tells Noah so much. The handwriting he knows almost as well as his own, even after all this time, and the last two words make his entire year, as pathetic as that is.
He'd put a message in his last letter to Casey for Luke, asking his friend to relay to Luke that he missed him and thought about him all the time. And now, with five words, Luke has let Noah know he's being thought of as well. It gives him hope that Luke is still his Luke.
Putting Emma's letter in the envelope, Noah takes the piece of paper with Luke's words and props it up against the frame with Luke's picture in it, hoping those five words will be enough to keep the dreams at bay for the night.
By the time he sits up, wide awake at 0400 hours, he knows it wasn't. This time it starts when he recognizes Luke being in the scattered fragments of the first time he'd woken up in the hospital. He tries to concentrate on Luke, just like every other time he's had this dream, but Luke's image dissolves faster the more he concentrates on it. The first times he'd had the dream, Luke had been so real, he'd talked to one of the nurses that had been part of his care from him being shipped to Walter Reed and asked if he'd had anyone in his room the first time he'd woken up. She'd told him that only family was authorized to see him and since he didn't have any family left to authorize, he'd had no visitors the whole time he'd been unconscious.
He figures Luke was in the memory because he'd spent all the time in the hospital wishing that Luke would walk through the door of his room, all the while knowing it wasn't going to happen. He'd known that Luke wouldn't be able to see him if he was injured, wouldn't even know about it, when he'd enlisted. He'd listed Luke as his next of kin, because it was the only thing he legally could make Luke without raising eyebrows. As long as he was still alive and kicking, Luke wouldn't be told a thing by the Army, no matter how much he wanted Luke in the loop.
The dreams about the hospital are better than the other ones that drive him awake, the ones filled with wind, sand and explosives that rip everyone away from him are the worst ones. Those can keep him awake for days, until he's so exhausted that it's either sleep or collapse.
Knowing he's up for the rest of the night now, he gets out of bed and stretches, walking into the kitchen area for his laptop and bringing it back into bed with him. He contemplates sending an email to Luke, like he's done every few days since he got access to a computer in the hospital, explaining the switch from paper by saying he'd been assigned stateside for a while and he had steady access to email. He's put read receipts on all of them and knows that Luke is reading them, but so far there has been no answer back. Noah knows how concerned he gets when he sees the receipts coming back with time stamps in the early hours of the morning, so he can only imagine Luke would notice the same thing on when they were written.
Instead he makes his way onto the casualty listings for the military's campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan, scrolling down newest names added, scanning for people he recognizes.
He stops scrolling as he sees Illinois listed in the state area and to his surprise he sees a listing of a fallen soldier from Oakdale. Scanning his eyes to the left, he reads the name and swears when he recognizes it.
Reaching out on the bedside table, he pulls open the drawer and grabs the pen and paper he keeps there, writing down the information.
His mind starts turning things over and over and with a few clicks, he's searching through social networking sites to see if his memory is serving him well. When he sees statuses and pictures scroll by, he knows what he has to do.
He goes for his morning run to help get his thoughts together, finding the rhythm of his feet hitting the pavement helping to give him focus. By the time he's finished his run and showered, Noah's worked out how to request leave from Major McLane for what he wants to do.
Once April has dropped him off at his office building, he puts his jacket on the back of the chair at his desk and makes his way directly to the Major's office, before he can talk himself out of this. Knocking on the door jamb, Noah peeks his head into the Major's office. "Sir, permission to meet with you for a moment?"
McLane looks up from the file on his desk and nods. "Granted. Shut the door behind you."
Noah does as he asks and sits in the chair across the desk from his commanding officer. "Thank you, sir."
"It's just us and the door is closed, Noah. It's Gerard."
Noah smiles a little. "I have a request to ask of you. Last night I was reading the Department of Defense announcements of casualties and I don't know if you can request that escort duty falls to me, but I'd like to volunteer."
Gerard looks up and folds his hands on top of the file. "Any particular reason?"
"I know him, I know he's like me… and he's from Oakdale."
Gerard raises his eyebrow and nods a little. "I see." He pauses in thought for a moment. "I'm going to have to do some checking to see if it's possible. First I'm going to have to see if it's a good idea to send you to Oakdale right now." When Noah opens his mouth to say something, Gerard holds up his hand to stop him. "I'm not saying no, Noah. There are some factors in this that you're not aware of, son. If I get the okay for this, we're going to have get you up to speed on that."
Noah's curiosity is piqued, but he knows that Gerard won't be saying anything until he's ready to. "I understand. I also understand that I'll need to be cleared to fly, but the doctor told me at my last appointment that he had no problem with me flying short flights domestically, so I'm sure I'll be have no problem getting sign off on that part."
Gerard nods again and takes a notepad from the edge of his desk blotter and pushes it towards Noah. "Write down the details on this soldier and I'll start making some calls."
Noah takes the pen Gerard hands him and writes down the information he'd memorized from the D.O.D. website. "Thank you for considering it."
Gerard smiles, but it seems a little pained to Noah. "Come see me after lunch. I should have information by then."
Noah knows that means he's being dismissed and stands. "I'll have those files you requested finished and ready for you when I come back."
Noah can't help feeling a stir of anticipation as he goes back to his desk. This time tomorrow he could be on his way to Dover Air Force Base and in a few days stepping back into Oakdale after almost two years. He allows himself to enjoy feeling the anticipation for a minute and then focuses on the work he needs to get done before his meeting with Gerard that afternoon.
When Noah walks into the office after lunch, he feels his nerves starting to fire more rapidly and has to sit at his desk for a moment, shuffling the file folders with the information he'd gathered for Gerard to give himself time to tamp it down.
Stacking the files, he stands up and smooths his uniform before walking to Gerard's office. "Sir? I have the information you requested I gather."
Noah is surprised to see how somber Gerard looks and feels a spike of dread that the news is not going to come back in his favor.
"Come on in Noah. Close the door behind you."
Noah does and sits back in the chair he was in this morning. "Thank you, sir."
Gerard just shakes his head at Noah in exasperation. Noah knows that behind closed doors it's okay to call him Gerard, but old habits are hard to break.
"I've made some calls and I've secured you clearance for leave and permission for escort duty."
Noah smiles. He's going to Oakdale!
Gerard looks at Noah seriously. "Son, there were some things that happened after the incident in Moqor and they're going to affect your escort duty. I don't believe in sending any of my men into situations unprepared. Do you remember the details we were asking about when you were debriefed about Moqor?"
Noah nods, remembering endless questioning about what his unit was doing right before the attack, where they were and the position of each person as much as he could remember, walking through what had happened when they'd gone out to fight off the insurgents and everything he could remember up to losing consciousness after getting the attention of one of the Reapers.
"Well, there was a reason they were concentrating so much on what happened before the attack." Gerard pauses and Noah finds himself leaning forward in anticipation. "When you were identified in the field, you were wearing the dog tags of Samuel Hendricks and he was wearing yours. Up until I went to see who I thought was Samuel Hendricks in the hospital and the body of Noah Mayer was getting processed through Dover, we didn't know that your dog tags had somehow been switched."
Noah's eyes widen as Gerard keeps talking and explaining exactly what had happened when he'd been lying in Walter Reed under the name of Samuel Hendricks and after, all the way to Luke Snyder being in the hospital with Noah when he'd woken the first time, to Lucinda Walsh spearheading the trip to Walter Reed of the committee of hospital board members from across the country, her heavy-handed way of making sure Noah was getting the best care.
When Gerard is finished, Noah is completely overwhelmed with the information that's been thrown at him. His heart aches in his chest at the torture Luke must have gone through, thinking he was dead. Gerard must not have known what had hit him when Luke went all Lucinda Walsh on him. He thinks about all the letters that have come from Oakdale in the past ten months and frowns.
"I've been getting letters from Oakdale since all of this happened. Why has no one mentioned anything?"
Gerard taps a finger on one of the files Noah had handed him. "I think the combined persuasive powers of Luke and Lucinda may have had something to do with that. Most of the Snyders were there when Luke was approached by the Notification Officers."
Noah flinches. That had to be hell for Luke, having the whole family watch him get news like that. "What day was that?"
Gerard tells him and Noah swallows thickly. "Ethan's birthday. Oh my god." He swallows convulsively, until the cold side of a bottle of water is pressed into his hand. He looks up at Gerard and blinks. "Th-thanks."
Sitting down at the chair opposite Noah, Gerard studies Noah’s face. "I know this is a lot to take in, son."
After swallowing down half of the bottle in one pull, Noah doesn't feel quite as much like he's going to be sick any more. "Why didn't anyone tell me this when it happened?"
"You had enough to deal with at that time, son. What were you going to do? The damage had already been done at that point and there was nothing you could do to fix it. By the time you were well enough to leave the hospital, Luke had started to get his feet under him again and sending you to Oakdale, only to pull you back into service, was not going to be good for either one of you. Luke asked that we didn't tell you of what happened unless it was unavoidable, and I'm assuming that's the same thing he told your friends and the rest of his family to do when they're writing you."
Noah can't argue with the logic on that. He'd been a mess when he'd been in the hospital and not much better when he'd been discharged. The effects of the severe concussion were long reaching, and coupled with the after effects emotionally of being one of the few people to walk out of Moqor, he can't imagine that he'd have reacted to what had happened well. "Are you telling me all of this so I'll change my mind about doing escort duty?"
Shaking his head, Gerard sits back and folds his hands on his lap as he regards Noah. "I think you're both strong enough now and I've managed to arrange something for you since you don't need as much medical care."
"What do you mean about Luke being strong enough now?"
Gerard pauses for a second. "You'll have to talk to Luke about that."
Noah tries not to feel the spike of anxiety when Gerard gives an answer that's not an answer. Clearing his throat, Gerard gets them back on track and starts to explain what he's worked out for Noah.
Noah is released from duty for the rest of the day and told that his pick-up to be transported to Dover is going to be 0630 the next morning. Noah's glad he doesn't have to work the rest of the afternoon with everything weighing on his mind. Instead he catches a ride with another soldier across the base to his housing and changes into his running gear, thinking maybe that a run and some fresh air will help him clear his head.
He has a thought about calling Lucinda or Lily and warning them that he's coming, but dismisses the idea. He calls about once a month to talk to Lily, Holden and the kids, but now that he knows everything, he doesn't want to take the chance that they'll tip Luke off and close ranks. He knows that's probably not going to happen, but after everything he's heard this afternoon, his desire to see Luke has turned to an outright need. His body is literally aching to see Luke and apologize for everything he's been through. He knows that all of it was beyond his control, but the urge is still there.
After his run, dinner, and packing a bag, Noah is at loose ends and pops The Best Years of Our Lives into his laptop and watches it until he falls asleep.
When It's Time to Live and Let Die
Author: escapes
Artist: solostrightnow
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own them, just the order the words are strung together in.
Characters/Pairings: luke/noah
Word Count: book 2: 26k plus Total: 60k
Warnings:You are going to have to trust me. Be warned that there is angst. Lots of it. i can't give you more without completely ruinding the story.
Spoilers: None
Summary:Sometimes the hardest battle in the war is finding your way back home.
Author’s Notes: Thanks for all your patience as I finished. In the course of writing this, I started a new job in a city an hour and a half away from where I live and I've been doing the worlds slowest move on record on my days off. And there was a trip and other stuff in there, so just...thanks for not yelling at me to get it done. Well, much anyway. =)
Special thanks to noelleleithefor the betas. I appreciate so much you managed it in the midst of everything else you have going on.
Link to Story Master Post: Book One
Link to Art Master Post: Click here for the awesome
Ten Months Later
The sound of his feet hitting the pavement, regular as a metronome, resonates through his body and just adds another throb to the beat coming through the headphones in Noah’s ears. There is a light drizzle coming down, just enough to soak into the grey cotton of his Army P.T. shirt and mix with the sweat that's already causing it to stick along his chest and back.
Rounding the last corner of his route, Noah looks down at his watch and checks the time. He's still on schedule. Slowing his pace, he works on stretching out his legs as he cools down and pulls the backpack of his shoulders, fishing out the water bottle and taking a long pull from it as he grabs the key to his building and lets himself into the lobby area.
"You know, now that the weather has turned, I kinda miss seeing Snoah coming in here and leaving little piles of slush on the mat."
Noah smiles as he finishes taking another drink from his bottle and lowers it. "Yeah, like you calling me Snoah all winter didn't get old. At all." He walks over to April Lennox and sits beside her on the lobby bench. "What are you doing here so early?"
Patting the noticeable bump on her midsection, she shrugs. "Appointment with the doctor. Figured I'd swing by and take a load off while I wait for you to come back from your run and give you a ride to the Island."
Noah huffs at the word Island. It's what April calls the cluster of buildings here in Leonard Wood that were sectioned off for those on office assignments. It was short for Island of Misfit Toys. Like the Island she'd named it after, it was just about the furthest away from the accommodations sector as it could be without actually being off the base. The fact that he still had to get rides anywhere annoyed Noah to no end. "Thanks, April. I'm pretty much going to be babysitting the rugrat for free for the rest of my life after all these rides, aren't I?"
She laughs softly. "You've caught on to my master plan. I figure after my parental leave, I'll get myself sent on a few tours and leave the little guy with you and then when I come back, he'll be potty trained and have Mayer manners instilled into him. It's the perfect plan!"
Rolling his eyes, Noah stands up from the bench. "Give me ten minutes and I'll be back down. And if you think I'm potty training your spawn, you're out of your mind."
April's voice follows him to the elevator. "Just for that, no more rides for you!"
Noah pushes the button to call the elevator back to the lobby. "I only have two months until I get my license back. And I can get my supplies at the P.X. on my run, just like I did today." Noah tells himself the worst part of everything that happened in Moqor was the seizure he had after waking up in the hospital, which lost him his driver's license for a year automatically, but he knows that isn't true.
The worst part is still being haunted by the feeling that he's missing a piece of his memory. He was told that he'd been awake once before he'd had the seizure and he doesn't know why, but anytime he tries to remember waking up that first time, all he can piece together is a hazy picture of what his mind has labeled Heaven. It's white all around him, he's laying down and Luke is there, but he looks like hell. He remembers feeling guilty, like he was going to be punished for something, and then the ghost of sensation from a kiss on his lips and then his forehead. He's given up on remembering anything more. If there was anything more, the seizure erased it.
Making his way into his apartment after leaving the elevator, Noah heads right for the shower. Once the water is up to temperature, Noah ducks his head under the spray and carefully washes around the raised scar tissue on his side and arm, still pink after all this time, but slowly fading towards the same tone as his skin. As much as it sucked to not have anyone visit him in the hospital, he's glad Luke hadn't had to see him like that. Well, that's not true, he reminds himself. He did have one visitor when he'd been in the hospital.
He'd been waiting for the porter to come and wheel him back to his room after a grueling physical therapy session and had nearly fallen out of the chair when none other than Lucinda Walsh was standing in front of him in all her regal glory. It had turned out she was in D.C. as part of a committee of hospital board members that were touring Walter Reed, getting caught up on the latest procedures that were being used to treat burns, limb and head injuries, something that was in plentiful supply with the soldiers being shipped to the hospital.
Noah smiles as he rinses the soap off of his body, thinking about how Lucinda had taken control of his wheelchair and rolled him back to his room herself and peppered him with questions about his injuries and prognosis. She'd spent almost an hour with him, until Major McLane had come to visit and Lucinda had left just as suddenly as she'd appeared.
He knew that she'd reported back to everyone in Oakdale though. The care package that was nearly bursting with oatmeal raisin cookies and coffee from Java was a dead giveaway. The avalanche of letters started right after, from nearly everyone that he'd ever had contact with in Oakdale.
Except Luke.
Stepping out of the shower, Noah quickly goes through his grooming routine and heads into the bedroom to put on his uniform. Reaching onto the bedside table, his eyes fall on the picture of him, Samuel Hendricks and Jeff Davis taken about a month before…
Two months, he thinks to himself. Two months and I can drive again and fly again and I can go and visit their graves and give my condolences to their families. His eyes move to the picture frame beside it and Luke's hazel eyes gaze back at him.
He wants to be mad at Luke for his silence, but he's noticed in the letters from the Snyders, Casey and Alison, that they all put in little things like Luke saying hi, which is more than he had before. Not enough, but then again nothing but seeing Luke in person will be enough. Noah wants to be hurt that after everything that happened to him, that Luke is still being stubborn, but then he remembers that Luke would have found out that Noah was hurt through Lucinda, and even though she's a great lady, Noah can't imagine she was gentle in delivering the information, probably imagining Luke already knew and had withheld it from the family.
Making his way down in the elevator, he knows that his first furlough when he's cleared to be fully mobile again is not going to be anywhere but Oakdale. Hell, if he can swing it sooner, he will.
Meeting up with April in the lobby, he extends his hand and helps her and her 8 months pregnant belly up from the bench. "You sure you can still get behind the wheel?"
The punch that slams into his bicep makes him wince and he realizes he maybe should have worded that a little more carefully.
"Mayer, are you calling me fat?"
Putting up his hands in gesture of surrender, he shakes his head quickly. "NO!" His voice is unnaturally high and actually squeaks at the end and he clears his throat to cover it, blushing to the tips of his ears. "No. I just meant you drive a Kia and I barely fit into the thing and you've got a baby on the front of you that seems to be getting bigger every day." He winces when he realizes that last part probably should have stayed silent.
April looks up at him with an appraising look, her hand already curled into a fist. She may be a small woman, belly notwithstanding, but her knuckles are bony and sharp. Noah puts his hand on his mouth, only lifting it to say quickly, "I'm just going to stop talking now."
April laughs and digs her keys out of her pocket. "Come on, Mayer. Let's get this day started so it can end. Major McLane still working you like a bitch?"
Rolling his eyes as he squeezes his frame into April's compact car, he nods. "I like being kept busy. Makes the time go faster. I have no idea how that man kept all that information in his head like that. Every time I think I've got him pinned down, he changes things up."
"The job comes with some nice perks though, like the base apartment and not getting shot at."
Noah swallows thickly and nods jerkily. "Well, there is that." His voice is deeper from the squeezing his throat is currently doing.
April lays a hand on the side of Noah's arm as she drives. "Shit hon, I'm sorry. You're so healthy now that sometimes I forget."
Noah closes his eyes and lets out a long breath, pushing the snippets of memories down, hoping they stay down there until they're released in his dreams. "It's okay."
When April pulls over to let Noah out, he sees her biting her bottom lip, her eyes shiny, and he does a double take. "April…you okay?"
She flutters a hand at him. "Fucking hormones."
He chuckles and straightens his frame out as he gets out of the car. "Potty mouth, mama. You're gonna have to watch that."
She snorts. "Let me get through labor fist. I'm planning that as my final opus and then I'll clamp down."
Shaking his head, Noah lifts a hand as she drives away. That kid will be lucky if its first word is not “fucknugget,” April's current expletive of choice.
From the moment he enters the offices of Major McLane to the point where he leaves twelve hours later, Noah is kept so busy that he doesn't have time to sit at his desk for lunch, let alone dwell on Moqor or Oakdale.
April is waiting for him at the end of their shifts and drops some envelopes in his lap after he sits down. "Mail call."
He picks them up and thumbs through them, seeing Emma's neat, looping handwriting and Casey's nearly illegible scrawl in there. He taps them into a neat pile and holds them on his lap as April drives them across the base.
"Anything from Oakburg?"
He rolls his eyes. "Oakdale. And yes."
"Nothing from your friend?"
Noah taps a finger on the top envelope. "Luke? No."
"He needs to stop being a fucknugget. I know he's the love of your life and all, but the boy needs to get over it and talk to you."
April hadn't asked and he hadn't told, maybe her mother's intuition kicked in early, but she's seen through Luke being Noah's friend from the start and had kept the secret to herself. Noah smirks as he turns his head in April's direction to voice the thought he’d had that morning. "I'm laying money on your kid's first word being fucknugget."
"You been talking to my husband again, Mayer? He's got the pool going, I don't think that's been claimed yet."
Noah laughs and makes a note to tell April's husband, Lester, that he's claiming that word the next time Noah sees him. It'll be a delayed payout, but he's pretty sure he's going to win.
Once he's at home, he makes a light dinner, before changing into work-out clothes and walking to the gym on base. Spending an hour with the weights and circuit training, keeping the warnings his Physical Therapist had given him in mind, he goes until he can feel his body reaching the point of exhaustion and heads back home, taking another shower and going to bed, where the letters from Emma and Casey are waiting for him.
Reading Casey's first, he's kept amused by the goings on in Oakdale and Casey's wry take on them. Finishing with the letter, he folds it carefully and slides it back in the envelope, ready to go into the box where he keeps all his letters from Oakdale. He's saved Emma's letter for last, reading her words are like being wrapped in a big hug from her. He reads about the change in weather now that May has come and about new additions to their stable of horses. She keeps him up to date on all the members of the Snyder clan and he smiles when there are crayon letters at the bottom that say Hi Noah. I miss yuo. Lov yuo. Ethan
Noah traces them with his fingertip, knowing that he's probably going to get another drawing to place on his wall of honor in the hallway in a few days. Emma, Holden and Lily have been amazing at keeping Noah in their lives and keeping him a presence in Ethan's life as well.
Noah folds the letter back up and blows on the ripped end of the envelope to open the edges enough for him to slide the letter back in. Seeing another small piece of paper in there, he sets the letter down and fishes inside the envelope for it.
Pulling it out, he unfolds it and his breath catches.
Casey told me. Same here.
It's only five words, but it tells Noah so much. The handwriting he knows almost as well as his own, even after all this time, and the last two words make his entire year, as pathetic as that is.
He'd put a message in his last letter to Casey for Luke, asking his friend to relay to Luke that he missed him and thought about him all the time. And now, with five words, Luke has let Noah know he's being thought of as well. It gives him hope that Luke is still his Luke.
Putting Emma's letter in the envelope, Noah takes the piece of paper with Luke's words and props it up against the frame with Luke's picture in it, hoping those five words will be enough to keep the dreams at bay for the night.
By the time he sits up, wide awake at 0400 hours, he knows it wasn't. This time it starts when he recognizes Luke being in the scattered fragments of the first time he'd woken up in the hospital. He tries to concentrate on Luke, just like every other time he's had this dream, but Luke's image dissolves faster the more he concentrates on it. The first times he'd had the dream, Luke had been so real, he'd talked to one of the nurses that had been part of his care from him being shipped to Walter Reed and asked if he'd had anyone in his room the first time he'd woken up. She'd told him that only family was authorized to see him and since he didn't have any family left to authorize, he'd had no visitors the whole time he'd been unconscious.
He figures Luke was in the memory because he'd spent all the time in the hospital wishing that Luke would walk through the door of his room, all the while knowing it wasn't going to happen. He'd known that Luke wouldn't be able to see him if he was injured, wouldn't even know about it, when he'd enlisted. He'd listed Luke as his next of kin, because it was the only thing he legally could make Luke without raising eyebrows. As long as he was still alive and kicking, Luke wouldn't be told a thing by the Army, no matter how much he wanted Luke in the loop.
The dreams about the hospital are better than the other ones that drive him awake, the ones filled with wind, sand and explosives that rip everyone away from him are the worst ones. Those can keep him awake for days, until he's so exhausted that it's either sleep or collapse.
Knowing he's up for the rest of the night now, he gets out of bed and stretches, walking into the kitchen area for his laptop and bringing it back into bed with him. He contemplates sending an email to Luke, like he's done every few days since he got access to a computer in the hospital, explaining the switch from paper by saying he'd been assigned stateside for a while and he had steady access to email. He's put read receipts on all of them and knows that Luke is reading them, but so far there has been no answer back. Noah knows how concerned he gets when he sees the receipts coming back with time stamps in the early hours of the morning, so he can only imagine Luke would notice the same thing on when they were written.
Instead he makes his way onto the casualty listings for the military's campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan, scrolling down newest names added, scanning for people he recognizes.
He stops scrolling as he sees Illinois listed in the state area and to his surprise he sees a listing of a fallen soldier from Oakdale. Scanning his eyes to the left, he reads the name and swears when he recognizes it.
Reaching out on the bedside table, he pulls open the drawer and grabs the pen and paper he keeps there, writing down the information.
His mind starts turning things over and over and with a few clicks, he's searching through social networking sites to see if his memory is serving him well. When he sees statuses and pictures scroll by, he knows what he has to do.
He goes for his morning run to help get his thoughts together, finding the rhythm of his feet hitting the pavement helping to give him focus. By the time he's finished his run and showered, Noah's worked out how to request leave from Major McLane for what he wants to do.
Once April has dropped him off at his office building, he puts his jacket on the back of the chair at his desk and makes his way directly to the Major's office, before he can talk himself out of this. Knocking on the door jamb, Noah peeks his head into the Major's office. "Sir, permission to meet with you for a moment?"
McLane looks up from the file on his desk and nods. "Granted. Shut the door behind you."
Noah does as he asks and sits in the chair across the desk from his commanding officer. "Thank you, sir."
"It's just us and the door is closed, Noah. It's Gerard."
Noah smiles a little. "I have a request to ask of you. Last night I was reading the Department of Defense announcements of casualties and I don't know if you can request that escort duty falls to me, but I'd like to volunteer."
Gerard looks up and folds his hands on top of the file. "Any particular reason?"
"I know him, I know he's like me… and he's from Oakdale."
Gerard raises his eyebrow and nods a little. "I see." He pauses in thought for a moment. "I'm going to have to do some checking to see if it's possible. First I'm going to have to see if it's a good idea to send you to Oakdale right now." When Noah opens his mouth to say something, Gerard holds up his hand to stop him. "I'm not saying no, Noah. There are some factors in this that you're not aware of, son. If I get the okay for this, we're going to have get you up to speed on that."
Noah's curiosity is piqued, but he knows that Gerard won't be saying anything until he's ready to. "I understand. I also understand that I'll need to be cleared to fly, but the doctor told me at my last appointment that he had no problem with me flying short flights domestically, so I'm sure I'll be have no problem getting sign off on that part."
Gerard nods again and takes a notepad from the edge of his desk blotter and pushes it towards Noah. "Write down the details on this soldier and I'll start making some calls."
Noah takes the pen Gerard hands him and writes down the information he'd memorized from the D.O.D. website. "Thank you for considering it."
Gerard smiles, but it seems a little pained to Noah. "Come see me after lunch. I should have information by then."
Noah knows that means he's being dismissed and stands. "I'll have those files you requested finished and ready for you when I come back."
Noah can't help feeling a stir of anticipation as he goes back to his desk. This time tomorrow he could be on his way to Dover Air Force Base and in a few days stepping back into Oakdale after almost two years. He allows himself to enjoy feeling the anticipation for a minute and then focuses on the work he needs to get done before his meeting with Gerard that afternoon.
When Noah walks into the office after lunch, he feels his nerves starting to fire more rapidly and has to sit at his desk for a moment, shuffling the file folders with the information he'd gathered for Gerard to give himself time to tamp it down.
Stacking the files, he stands up and smooths his uniform before walking to Gerard's office. "Sir? I have the information you requested I gather."
Noah is surprised to see how somber Gerard looks and feels a spike of dread that the news is not going to come back in his favor.
"Come on in Noah. Close the door behind you."
Noah does and sits back in the chair he was in this morning. "Thank you, sir."
Gerard just shakes his head at Noah in exasperation. Noah knows that behind closed doors it's okay to call him Gerard, but old habits are hard to break.
"I've made some calls and I've secured you clearance for leave and permission for escort duty."
Noah smiles. He's going to Oakdale!
Gerard looks at Noah seriously. "Son, there were some things that happened after the incident in Moqor and they're going to affect your escort duty. I don't believe in sending any of my men into situations unprepared. Do you remember the details we were asking about when you were debriefed about Moqor?"
Noah nods, remembering endless questioning about what his unit was doing right before the attack, where they were and the position of each person as much as he could remember, walking through what had happened when they'd gone out to fight off the insurgents and everything he could remember up to losing consciousness after getting the attention of one of the Reapers.
"Well, there was a reason they were concentrating so much on what happened before the attack." Gerard pauses and Noah finds himself leaning forward in anticipation. "When you were identified in the field, you were wearing the dog tags of Samuel Hendricks and he was wearing yours. Up until I went to see who I thought was Samuel Hendricks in the hospital and the body of Noah Mayer was getting processed through Dover, we didn't know that your dog tags had somehow been switched."
Noah's eyes widen as Gerard keeps talking and explaining exactly what had happened when he'd been lying in Walter Reed under the name of Samuel Hendricks and after, all the way to Luke Snyder being in the hospital with Noah when he'd woken the first time, to Lucinda Walsh spearheading the trip to Walter Reed of the committee of hospital board members from across the country, her heavy-handed way of making sure Noah was getting the best care.
When Gerard is finished, Noah is completely overwhelmed with the information that's been thrown at him. His heart aches in his chest at the torture Luke must have gone through, thinking he was dead. Gerard must not have known what had hit him when Luke went all Lucinda Walsh on him. He thinks about all the letters that have come from Oakdale in the past ten months and frowns.
"I've been getting letters from Oakdale since all of this happened. Why has no one mentioned anything?"
Gerard taps a finger on one of the files Noah had handed him. "I think the combined persuasive powers of Luke and Lucinda may have had something to do with that. Most of the Snyders were there when Luke was approached by the Notification Officers."
Noah flinches. That had to be hell for Luke, having the whole family watch him get news like that. "What day was that?"
Gerard tells him and Noah swallows thickly. "Ethan's birthday. Oh my god." He swallows convulsively, until the cold side of a bottle of water is pressed into his hand. He looks up at Gerard and blinks. "Th-thanks."
Sitting down at the chair opposite Noah, Gerard studies Noah’s face. "I know this is a lot to take in, son."
After swallowing down half of the bottle in one pull, Noah doesn't feel quite as much like he's going to be sick any more. "Why didn't anyone tell me this when it happened?"
"You had enough to deal with at that time, son. What were you going to do? The damage had already been done at that point and there was nothing you could do to fix it. By the time you were well enough to leave the hospital, Luke had started to get his feet under him again and sending you to Oakdale, only to pull you back into service, was not going to be good for either one of you. Luke asked that we didn't tell you of what happened unless it was unavoidable, and I'm assuming that's the same thing he told your friends and the rest of his family to do when they're writing you."
Noah can't argue with the logic on that. He'd been a mess when he'd been in the hospital and not much better when he'd been discharged. The effects of the severe concussion were long reaching, and coupled with the after effects emotionally of being one of the few people to walk out of Moqor, he can't imagine that he'd have reacted to what had happened well. "Are you telling me all of this so I'll change my mind about doing escort duty?"
Shaking his head, Gerard sits back and folds his hands on his lap as he regards Noah. "I think you're both strong enough now and I've managed to arrange something for you since you don't need as much medical care."
"What do you mean about Luke being strong enough now?"
Gerard pauses for a second. "You'll have to talk to Luke about that."
Noah tries not to feel the spike of anxiety when Gerard gives an answer that's not an answer. Clearing his throat, Gerard gets them back on track and starts to explain what he's worked out for Noah.
Noah is released from duty for the rest of the day and told that his pick-up to be transported to Dover is going to be 0630 the next morning. Noah's glad he doesn't have to work the rest of the afternoon with everything weighing on his mind. Instead he catches a ride with another soldier across the base to his housing and changes into his running gear, thinking maybe that a run and some fresh air will help him clear his head.
He has a thought about calling Lucinda or Lily and warning them that he's coming, but dismisses the idea. He calls about once a month to talk to Lily, Holden and the kids, but now that he knows everything, he doesn't want to take the chance that they'll tip Luke off and close ranks. He knows that's probably not going to happen, but after everything he's heard this afternoon, his desire to see Luke has turned to an outright need. His body is literally aching to see Luke and apologize for everything he's been through. He knows that all of it was beyond his control, but the urge is still there.
After his run, dinner, and packing a bag, Noah is at loose ends and pops The Best Years of Our Lives into his laptop and watches it until he falls asleep.
When It's Time to Live and Let Die